I seem to have a gift for transitioning between dating and friends. Lately, I've been getting the "let's just be friends" thing from guys a lot, but I've said it too, and I've also gone from friends to dating (and back again.) I'm not sure I actually like it, because I'm starting to have quite the collection of guy friends who I've dated, and that leads to all sorts of weird things that aren't actually my subject in this post.

What my subject actually is is post-friends-transition flirting. I've noticed that, no matter which of us makes the decision, the guy stays really flirty with me after, as if nothing has changed. Sometimes it can be entertaining, since if neither of us are in a relationship and flirting can be fun. But sometimes, especially if I was the one who was "rejected," it can be frustrating and confusing. Am I just a female-attention substitute until he finds someone else to date and flirt with? Why am I good enough to flirt with profusely and be friends with but not good enough to date? At what point does being really good friends who spend a lot of time together and flirt a lot actually just become some sort of twisted not-quite-dating relationship? I wonder if I'm doing something to cause it, because it does happen to me a lot more than I see it happen to other people.

To illustrate, some excerpts from a conversation I recently had online with a guy who, after three (apparently very good) dates, decided we should just "be friends." I doubt he'll see this, and if he does, well, too bad, this is a valid concern of mine and he makes a really good example.

I'm currently reading a book called Alone in the Kitchen with an Eggplant. It's a collection of essays and sometimes recipes about people eating alone - if they like it or not, and why, and how they eat and if it's different from how they eat with other people. I bought it because it had a funny title and seemed to be very relevant to my current life, and because it was on sale. It's made me laugh a lot and think about the state of being alone, and so what follows is a reflection on being alone.

I had a surprisingly hard time with being alone when I first moved here, because it was such an odd change from how I had been living before. Granted, I always need a certain amount of time alone with myself to center myself, but this has been more aloneness than I usually have. After a while though, with the help of good books, including the one I just mentioned, Firefly, Doctor Who, and my usual tendency to introspect myself into being happy, I've come to be content with my frequent aloneness.

Today I had the opportunity to go to see fireworks with a very nice guy, but decided to turn it down, for several reasons, one of which was the value of aloneness. I was looking forward to cooking myself dinner and having a peaceful evening in. Yeah, it's the 4th of July, but I had a very fun evening last night, and I'm ok with not going out tonight. So I cooked myself dinner and set myself a place at the table instead of eating at my desk like I usually do. While I was cooking and getting things ready I put on Springsteen's Greatest Hits, and danced. I have ongoing cycles of remembering the Boss exists and falling in love with him, and it always makes me happier in a more confident way than I was before. Even with all the grit and sadness in some of his songs, I love him and it makes me happy. It also seemed right for the 4th of July somehow.

Anyway, I was dancing around like a goof in pure Springsteen-induced joy, and briefly wondered if I would ever find another person, preferably a guy, who understood that - the way I love to just put on the music I love and cavort around, and how much it helps me. And then I realized, maybe there can't be any person who gets that, because that is an alone-for-me thing. I can dance in joy with other people, and have, and that's powerful too. But if I add another person to my private dance party it changes it, and the strength I get from it is different. I once wore half the skin off my feet from dancing barefoot like a maniac in the rain in the driveway by myself, and it was glorious. Turns out that I not only do I not need to share that to value it, I'm not sure I want to. I think there's a connection somehow between being able to dance alone and being able to be happy alone, to get past the being lonely and just be there, me, myself, and centered in some peaceful, strong, way that might involve awesome music.

1. I am getting hundreds of page views. From Germany. They definitely don't seem to be coming from real people. Should I be worried about this?

2. I'm finally enrolled in classes. Maybe then I'll actually start meeting people. It was a strange hassle though, and the lady seemed to think my assistantship credits might not cover it-that worries me. Still, yay classes! Grant writing and digital assets. Don't judge, I'm finally taking classes that will get me a career instead of just satisfying my intellectual curiosity. They're middling on interesting but high on usefulness.

3. I conquered public transportation today! Ok, not quite, and yeah, I have a college degree and sometimes still fail at the bus system. Thing is, I've hardly ever had to use public transportation before. At home there isn't any-rural area, college was a small town and I walked or had friends with cars, and in Spain I just walked everywhere. I think I took a bus twice. So I was a little worried about missing my bus, getting off at the wrong stop, something stupid, since I was going beyond the areas in Syracuse that I know. Clearly, I did fine, and it's just a bus, nothing to worry about. Conveniently, I can get most places I want to go to on the bus that stops amazingly close to my apartment building.

4. I took said bus to the mall and tried to use a Barns & Noble gift card at a Borders. Oops. I had spent a long time picking out the books, too. I came home and used it online, bought the same books and one more, and got free shipping.

5. There is a Lindt store at this mall. Oh em gee bad news for me. They were also having a buy-one-get-one sale on boxed chocolates. I bought two boxes. So good.

6. I don't usually think of myself as a spontaneous or quirky person, possibly because I have a tendency to boring. Every once and a while I make myself wonder. All day long I had a migraine, and the monster thunderstorm when I got home explained why. Once the wind calmed down, I had an intense desire to play in the rain. So, I ran out behind my building into the cemetery. Yeah, that sounds morbid, in the cemetery in the rain, but it was glorious - I do love rain, usually, and I wasn't contemplating death or anything - I just didn't want to do my walking in the rain on the side of the road. And in a random occurrence, a lady stopped and asked me for directions out of the cemetery (reasonable, I got lost in it the first time too). She was incredibly worried about me being out in the rain by myself, so I rode with her until she was out of the cemetery, and gave her directions back to downtown. I always feel good when I can give people good directions. I left a huge wet spot in her mustang. Anyway, that was my spontenaity for the day.

7. Sorry this post was so long. I guess I could have posted each bit separately. Besides the German mystery I don't have any readers anyway.