| missedthere are things that i miss.
i miss being the irresponsible kid i once was.
i miss all the good shows that use to be on tv.
i miss sleeping in on the weekends.
i miss not having to study for exam and pass with flying colors.
i miss getting into trouble.
i miss going shopping.
i miss my childhood friends.
i miss a part of who i use to be.
i miss the feeling of being on cloud 9.
i miss having dreams.
i miss talking to God. i still do, but it's just not the same.
i miss life.
i mean, life is ok and its there. but it's so hard. full of...stuff.
*sigh*
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| if i take things slowly one day at a time all will be ok.... but seriously, what in the world was i thinking?!?!
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| I can finally say "I'm going to Vietnam" and really mean it. Ive been saying it for the last 3 years and ended up going no where. But mom and dad finally agreed to let me go. And I have my reasons...
-i wanna know my grandmas
-i wanna know about my maternal/paternal homeland
-i wanna know about the society
-i wanna know what its like being away from home and not to depend on my parents
yea, i'm going all by myself. i dont know how i think im going to survive but i'll manage. i want to make a documentary about my trip and i have a few professors who are behind me on that. im really excited. it would be great to see the whole country, not just the south but the central and north as well. i hear the regions are all different from each other.
i leave the 11th of december and will be back the 11th of january.
what fun!
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| ok, so i'm not thinking about death anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm still safe.
lately i've had these dreams that remain vivid long after i am awake. they have always been about other people but now they are about me. and my relationship with him. who's he? I have no idea!! But the more I see him in my dreams, the more I want to find him. I'm not getting any clues as to who he is or how to find me, but I feel like we're suppose to meet. Do I already know him? That could be a possibility too. Never have I been able to see his face clearly but he has characteristics of a few friends of mine. But he makes me feel like only I exist to him. And he has this smile that gives me the greatest sense of security. He is willing to stay with me even if I become blind, deaf, or have any other disability. Best of all, when he kisses me, he makes me feel loved and makes me want to live forever.
the only thing that would destroy these dreams is if I don't ever get to find him....
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| lately i am been having this heavy feeling on my shoulder and in my chest. it's...i dunno. but i can't shake it off and it follows me like a shadow.
it feels like death is stalking me.
im serious. not even kidding. i really feel like my death is quickly approaching, but i cant figure out what it is that will take me away from this earth. Ive had a few close calls... almost got hit by a car, almost got ran over by a car, almost got attacked by a dog... and now ive got these weird bumps all over my body. its so swollen and they hurt and itch all the same time. im going to the doctors to get it check out tomorrow. i know the whole mrsa thing thats flipping everyone out. i dont think i got that, but its better to be safe than sorry.
but getting back ot what i was saying, i truly feel like i am going to die soon. ive always wanted to live to be 112...117 at most...but lately i feel like i wont see past 25...and i'm being too generous. as i write these words i am terrified and scared out my mind. no one ever wants to think about death, but when u feel like its standing only a few feet away from you, why ignore its warnings?
will it hurt?
where will end up?
where will i stand in society after i am gone?
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