Sorry, guys.  I'm jumping ship.

www.livejournal.com/users/amjhawk

"I carry the weight of the world
As the past is unfurled
But I won't stop to wonder.
Going through this life on my own
Made me as cold as a stone.
I'm a ship going under.
And I'd tell you this,
But I don't know how.
I'm caving in
And I'm falling out
And I can't resist
And I can't rebound
With the weight of the world
As the world falls down."

So, I played rball with D yesterday.  I won - 14-16, 15-2, 11-3.  It was a nice hour where I forgot myself.

And I just got back from BW3 (Buffalo Wild Wings) with Ryan and Michelle.  Same case.

But why is the rest of my life so empty?  D of course recommends religion.  In talking to a friend of mine this past weekend, I realized I didn't know who I was, and since then, I've felt this way.  I was disappointed, though - it was a great conversation, and she's a great person to talk to, but it was cut short in interests of sleep.  I would like to continue when I can, though (hint hint).

One of my typical reactions to this is to style myself a god, or at least take steps to assure that - so I've been doing a lot of running and racquetball and reading these past few days.

Anyway, I'm running on automatic right now.  I live and study and write because that's what I'm supposed to.  And I haven't really remembered or had a meaningful dream since I left here for Ohio in May.  I wonder if that's indicative of something - in any case, I wish I could still dream.

"I know it's just a dream but I'm alive
Wish I could show you
Wish you could see through my eyes
Tomorrow shines through
But I'm missing yesterday
I'm still missing yesterday"

Introspection.  I don't know where to start.  I don't know who I am.  For the past two years, I've been looking for something, but I know not what it is.  Is it myself?  And I've desperately latched on to so much, whether it's a person, a place, a label, or an aspiration.  Anything to find something that holds meaning.

Smoke and mirrors.  Concealment, reflection, and deception.

Am I done?  Am I done?  Yeah, I think I'm done.

Yay for relaxation.  I just got back from the most tiring game of rball I've played with Darren in awhile.  I lost - 15-10, 13-15, 3-11.  I always seem to fall apart if I get into a third game... oh well.  I'll get him next time.

I now have a 12-pack of Honey Brown in the room.  That's very awesome.  I'm going to break one of those out here in a second.

And I've recently been talking to a girl in Lewis, and well... things are looking promising.  She plays tennis, and has expressed interest in playing rball with me sometime.  That's cool.  Some people think she's not my type (and indeed that might be the case), but I figure I'll give it a shot if just for confidence's sake.  That, and there's no way she can be as bad as Lydia.  *shudder*  I'm glad that didn't turn into a relationship - what a bitch.  Of course, I don't know what I was doing at the time as a part of the market being that I knew I was about to leave Lubbock for Kansas.  Well, it's the past - and you know me - I'm good at burning bridges.  So, here's to the present.

But man, everyone I know is all single and stuff.  Stewy lost his girl (poor guy), Nick, Brandon, Kris, Joe, Colin... it's crazy.  Oh well, I digress and I get an A for smell.  Smelling like crap.  And I get an F for smelling any good.  "That guy doesn't smell any good."  Thanks, Strong Bad.

Stick a fork in me - I'm done.  (That's a tribute to both my dad and to Kel - I'm clever like that.)