|  I stared taking the ALLI stuff and so far I havent had any side effects which is great. I got it last night. The thing is- my mom think that everything with the bulima and the hospitalizations is cured of she just is starting to see how fat i really am because she always talks diet with me and we work out at the gym together, she never comments on how much i do eat and she was with me when i bought the alli and she is also taking diet pills.
I feel almost as though my mom is ashamed of me and in other ways is competing with me- but thats okay
I will make it through this and i will come out strong.
I baned myself from all sweets and junk Todays Intake B: Oatmeal= 130 cals
L: Pretzels= 90 cals
Yogos= 80 Cals
D: Smart meal Dinner= 220
Buffalo sauce= 25 cals Total= 545 cals 
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|  Over the Last month and a half I have become the biggest failure! NO JOKE. All i know anymore is i can not live like this anymore. I have gained so much weight! Im done- While everyone is stuffing their faces for the Holidays I will be dieting. Starting tomorrw i will be recording ever cal that goes into my body and i will be weighing myself every tue. PROMIS!! 
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|  Breath in and breath out
Move on and Break down
cuz everyone goes away~ She doesnt know what to believe anymore. She cant seem to define what reality is. All she feels is numb. To her everything has been a dream. She lost the only one who could seem to make her troubles fade, the only one who knew how to make her smile. Her mom is all she had left and on the night that he went away she learned of her mom's health. Waiting for test results she is now the parent to her grandmother who cant make sence on anything around her. Her friends dont Exsist in this world and she is forced to rid the only thing that keeps her sane. Everyone keeps telling her that it will be okay, that she just needs to be happy. She just wants to be alone and when she does take some time to herself they call her selfish and tell her that if she cant deal with this she will not be able to deal with her job that she wants in the future. They tell ehr that she can't do it. If only there was some way to make this all fade away- for her to smile again. To feel something real. 
The She is me.
Looking at this as if it is not happening to me is the only way i know how to get through it. 
Hold on, hold tight
Make it through another night
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THIS WEEK I LOST 7 LBS!!!! HOW??? I decided to stop eating after 5pm. And since I dont get up untill 9am and i have school untill two i never eat untill i get home. by the time i get home and get ready for work i only have time for a quick bit. I will keep it up. I feel stronger now! NOBODY will stop me! 
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|  It's almost 2am and I afraid to go to sleep.
I wish that it were as simple as i am afraid of the Boogyman or the monsters under my bed. I wish things were that simple. A time when I was still a little girl, when life mad more sense and i didnt know anybetter. What i hate is that things will never be back to that way again and i dont know how to fix it. Why is it the things you want and need most are the things that you cant have? The things that damage you the most? Last night I had a dream about J. I thought that i was okay with the whole its over thing, the it's never going to happen and it was all a lie. But im afraid that it is only begining. I hate him and i hate hating him because the truth is through all the hate i still love him and i am afraid that i will never stop loving him. I just want him out of my mind. I want to forget that he ever exsisted and that he ever ment anything to me. Because it seems like i cant move on from this. Almost like he has damaged me because i am too afraid to let myself feel anything for anyone else.
I hate this feeling. I Hate this feeling. I HAte this feeling. I HATe this feeling. I HATE this feeling. I HATE This feeling. I HATE THis feeling. I HATE THIs feeling. I HATE THIS feeling. I HATE THIS Feeling. I HATE THIS FEeling. I HATE THIS FEEling. I HATE THIS FEELing. I HATE THIS FEELIng. I HATE THIS FEELINg. I HATE THIS FEELING. I HATE THIS FEELING! 
And to Top it all off, home sucks, I live With My mom and i know this is mean but i think she is starting to enjoy this recovery process from the surgry becuase she cant clean and she basically cant do anything. Almost every night she complains about the fact that she hurts and is in so much pain and she always seems to be having a panic attack. I know that i am a sucky daughter but my god its been 7 weeks since the surgry and its just irratating that i am still acting as her mom. I really wish that i was dead in so many ways because it seems like i already lost everone that i have ever loved.
Why should i be loved anyway. I am a fat failure. I dont deserve to be cared for and i really just need to shut my mouth and stop food from entering and words from leaving.
SHUT THE FUCK UP EMILY!!!! 
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