F.Y.I....

I'm fat. Yeah, like 110 pounds. Possibly 115.

And yeah, I've been cheating on two guys. Fucking them both. And they found out about each other, made me choose, and of course I lied to them both and said I picked them.

I'm......fucked up [in the head].

But whatever. At least I'm hot. Don't you guys all know that by now? That I'm kind of crazy? Impulsive? Bi-Polar? All that lovely all-american goodness?  Yes, you do. LOVE YOU <3

Wow. Update.

My life would make an EXTREMELY interesting soap opera...or one of those teen drama shows. It would also make a great page-turning memoir. I bet it'd sell millions of copies and then I'd be on the Oprah show with her asking me all these ridiculous questions. -"Do you believe your father truly stopped you from killing yourself? Or did you save yourself?" or

"How could you really live this double-life and carry on a serious relationship with TWO men at once for nearly 4 months?" or

"You dropped down to 68 pounds when you were 18 and you completely overcame anorexia all on your own...how did you do it?" or

"You survived two devastating car crashes within a few months of each other, one of which your car was completely totaled and all impact was on your side and the other where a friend of yours (the driver) was intoxicated and had sufficient amounts of cocaine in his system and never told you...how did this impact the way you view life?" (For the record, I do NOT speak to that guy anymore. What a fucking MORON!) or

"How exactly did you deal with having your ex-boyfriend, whom you broke up with, consistently stalking and harrasing you every single day? Trying to terribly damage your reputation among your peers and causing a spread of vicious lies and rumors about you? Calling you at all hours of the night threatening to kill himself? Ringing your doorbell at 2 am?" or

"Your mother left your father for a man who is 20 years younger than her and abandoned you, your brother, and father....and the when was the last time you saw your brother? Months ago? You're not even sure where he is?...."

All questions would be relevant.

Welcome to my life. Oh, and I'm only 21. Yeah....jeezus, right?

There came a time for me when I knew I could not win this battle alone with only bulimia by my side. There came I time mid-April in 2004 when I knew that all the self-induced vomiting came to no prevail, that it was all for nothing because my binges were becoming too much to handle. I've reached a point where there was only one solution....and that solution was simply No Eating. The only way weapon I had to defend my body from becoming a huge squishy, fatty mess was to restrict every single bite/nibble/and substance and only few of those would make its way down my throat. Water was the only friend I had in this war against my body. Everything else would be considered an enemy. I would only let one thing down at a time, and in extremely small and miniscule units.

Yes, everyday I was winning the battle. But this victory certainly had a name, and it was called Anorexia.

Long story short, anorexia became too much for me. It was taking over everything: mind, body, and soul. It was the epitome of my existence. My sole purpose in life. It was evident that I was a hardcore anorexic. I knew I had to change my ways, and I did it myself. I wasn't hospitalized, or force-fed through a tube. Every single day was another struggle, but this time I was at the other end of the battle.....this time I was forcing myself to eat. I used to tell myself one bite was deadly, it could destroy me....and now I was trying hard to convince myself that just one bite would be okay. Yet, at the same time...I was telling myself, NOT TOO MUCH! Don't over-do it. Just enough to keep breathing for tomorrow. I went to Poland, my sister-in-law helped me a little bit. My father helped me a little bit. My friends helped me a tiny bit. And finally, I met my boyfriend who I've been with for 2 years, and he helped me. And then finally, I believed, I was free. I wasn't anorexic anymore. Not only was I physically healthy, but I believed I was mentally healthy (which is the HARDEST to break through). There wasn't one day that I realized "Ah-ha! I'm not anorexic anymore!"....but I knew.

But now....there has also come to time to me again when I know bulimia is DEFINITELY not an option anymore. I have come too far. The only way to become thin again, is to of course, restrict. And that is, to not eat. I promise to you on everything....I will try to....not eat at all this week until Friday. Please don't allow me to falter. I always scare myself into eating by saying "I need my vitamins, I need my protein, my hair will fall out, etc"....What about my metabolism? Well....water should be enough for now. After all, people fast frequently. I will be okay....all I will be doing at this point is cleansing out my system...I'm just starving myself down to about 96-100 and then I will maintain. My stomach will shrink to its appropriate size and everything will be okay. I know not to go too crazy with the weight loss, trust me, I by no means desire to be a deathly 75 pounds again. Even 85 is too tiny for me. I don't want to be that small.....but 90-95-or 100. That's what I want. Definitely like a size 0 and 1.

5 Days. What's that? Easy. I'm doing this. Water only Fast.