| i feel like my mind is playing games with me. like, i'm sitting in class, and i'm zoning off to the coldest, and then reality just hits again. and i look around, and i look at the clock, and it's like 5 minutes later. i'm like wtf is wrong with me? i mean, so many thoughts run through my mind in just those 5 minutes. i see everything when i zone off. sometimes the past comes to my head, like my grandpa and family. sometimes, i stare off and see me crying or me suffering in pain. other times, it's happy times and all the good times in my life. just so many thoughts come and go. and even now, i feel my mind drifting. what is this? what's wrong with me? this is how it was towards the end of last school year, and that's when i knew i was falling into depression. not this again...i can't. i need to focus. focus on what's important and what i need to get done. but my mind always seems to take over and get me off track.
currently i'm barely pulling a 3.1 feeling fucking dumb. but what's really dumb about it is that my grades aren't even that bad. i have 4 A's, 2 B's, and then here comes the D in Algebra 3. and i hate when people say, "how the hell do you have a D in there?" well, if i freakin knew, i wouldn't have a D in there. so, that's the only class i'm really worried about for the semester. i know i can raise a few of my A-'s to A's and B-'s to B's. i wish i didn't have algebra, then i would have something to show for myself. but since i have it, my gpa sucks butt and i also feel dumb when i'm in the class. sadness hits.
as far as people go, sometimes i wonder who is truly there for me and who's not. after years of going through weird stuff with friends, i think i have a pretty good idea of who my friends are. it's just, sometimes when i need people the most, no one is to be found. and that sucks ass too. but i also know that everyone seems like they are going through a rough time. so, that means everyone needs to fed for themselves and take care of their own stuff. i want to be there for my good friend, but i can't truly help anyone if i have issues with myself and my life too. it's just being a hipicrit, if i say, "oh it'll be OK." because sometimes, in life, it's not always OK, and if it is, it takes a long ass time for it to get that way.
with my person of choice....i know he's there for me, but he's not here for me. and at times when i feel like i'm going through so much in my life, he's not here. and it's not because he doesn't want to be, it's because he can't be. often times, when it gets like this, i just feel like, "is it worth it?" and who knows if it is? i mean, fuck, i don't know. i try not to let the distance get to me, but i mean damn, after awhile it does. saw him like 3 weeks ago, and i won't see him for another 3 weeks. that's 6 weeks, and that's a long ass time. do you know what time does to a person? drives them insane. so, it's hard, because i know he tries to help me, but you can't really help someone without really physically being there for them. right?
running. oh, the wonderful world of running. i give up. i feel like the girls are driving me insane! literally. i hate the freakin matching every day deal. i mean, come on! no offense to anyone, but i'm sure they all know how i feel. i hate when the triplets match at practice because it excludes the whole team. it's a team, not fuckin homie time. dress alike on your own time, not team time. and i mean, come on. i can't even have a freakin conversation with one of them without all of them being there. i just want them to find their own personality, and find out who they are as a person, as an individual, and realize that. if any of the triplets on the team is reading this, it's not to hurt your feelings, i just want you three to find out who you are as individuals. i'm scared to take on the role of captain for cross-country next year. i can tell it might be rough for me. i can say right now that this year's cross-country season was THE WORST SOCIAL EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE! i mean, don't get me wrong, we had a great season. went to state and all, but i didn't get anything else out of that. i didn't make any friends, no one treated me like a human being, and i felt like no one was on the same level as me. more as if, i couldn't have a simple conversation with any of the girls. i dreaded going to practice, not because of the running, but because of the people. and i hate looking back on that, because it was just horrible. a few girls were ok, but the rest made me feel like shit. and i am so scared of this track season to start. i was alone throughout the season, alone at state, and once again, most likely will be alone during track. good thing brianna and angela will be there. that will be good though. but running....eh. it's alrite. it's more like the team that makes me nervous.
working eh. it's money, right? but man, sometimes i think that 7 bucks and hour isn't even worth it.
family drives me mad. dude, i often feel so tense at home, that all i can do is just sit there. not move, just sit and think. i hate the yelling, i hate the arguing, and i hate the anger and frustration that comes with all that. the family that lives in my house isn't even worth it. my relationships with everyone in the household has totally demolished. i have no one to go to in my house. and i often feel, why should i call them family? my grandpa would be so disappointed in me and my family if he saw how it truly is. but he's gone, and there's nothing i can do. my grandma is letting the sadness and depression take over, and there's nothing anyone can do. i want to be there for her, but she won't let me. her love for my lolo is all she thinks about. she pushes people away, and won't let anyone help her. for all sakes, my whole family needs help.
life at this point, i sometimes feel like i have no worth in living. |
