Currently Listening A Fever You Can't Sweat Out By Panic! At the Disco see related

English = Fun?

HOW TO SURVIVE THE APOCALYPSE:

                The world is a scary place.  From a crazy redneck that's itching to show the world "Ya don't mess with Tex---err America", global warming that is slowly melting the polar caps into oblivion, crazy men that think they can blow themselves up in order to obtain 72 virgins (jokes on them, they heard it wrong they actually just get "heavenly hued sturgeons"), and inflation slowly charging it's way up our asses, it’s a wonder we're all still around.  I have made careful calculations involving difficult math with which the likes you've never seen and figured out the ONLY three possible outcomes of the said apocalypse and will be detailing how to outlive, outwit, and outplay the competition.

1)  The Bogus Shangri-La- You wake up to a seemingly perfect world!  There are no old people, everyone wears stunning white jump shoes with sponsored white pumas, all the food is composed of a brownish slush mysteriously referred to as "Soylent Green" even though there is no green in it, and/or individual thinking is punishable by an incredibly, unnecessarily long chase scene involving a veteran hit man at the end of his career on the verge of retirement who, even though he has killed thousands of people, can't seem to catch you, the average Joe.

How To Survive It:  Obviously you need to get out of there before you and Mr. Heston visit the meat plant the kids in the Pink Floyd video "played" in so what do you do? 

1) Stop taking any and all drugs…and don't drink the water….and don't eat the food.

2) Pretend you're still doing the above.  We don't want Big Brother becoming suspicious.

3) Find the nearest forest and make a mad dash, but not before you grab the ridiculously attractive blonde that lives in your cubicle house with you (Note:  If you can't find the ridiculously attractive blonde girl than postpone the escape…you're still on the mind control drugs).

2) Post-Catastrophic World- Whether it is a meteor strike, an ice age, nuclear war, or the Ice Capades, life as we know it has ceased to exist due to one of the aforementioned events.  Congrats on surviving.  Seriously.  Props.  You're lucky, especially if you escaped with minor to no disfiguration or dismemberment now let's figure out how you can re-invent the wheel (literally) and bring societies feet back under it (The Flintstones way, with the feet powered cars.  Those were so sweet.  So was the green floating Martian guy.).

How To Survive:  Wear.  Black.  Leather.  And lots of it.  No one will consider it gay or linked to S&M in the post modern world, and if they do you can shoot their head off.  And get a black motorcycle helmet too, even if you don't have a motorcycle, if anyone asks you to take it off say something mysterious like "I don’t want you to have to see the monstrosity I wake up to every morning" even if you have the soft meterosexual features and sculpted eyebrows of Ryan Seacrest (Note: if at all possible, say this with an Australian accent to gain more points with the ladies).  Next just make sure you have the coolest vehicle, the strongest and most guns, and a big scary (curiously English privy) Australian Sheppard.  Next find a gang, beat up their leader, and become a warlord.  The Most FEARED Warlord around.  Remember, there's no law but you now.  Then procreate.

(Point of interest:  Clubbing a wife or loved one is not only socially acceptable but also highly encouraged)

3) The Zombie Filled World- My favorite of the three.  Scientists still aren't sure how this could happen.  I'm not a scientist, and they haven't asked me.  But it's possible otherwise how would they get the idea for movies?  Next you're going to tell me Santa Claus isn't real.  As the name states this assumes that there is some form of virus that turns it's victims into mindless zombies.  How do you combat that?  Let's take a look.

How To Survive:  There are four essentials needed for this scenario.  A shotgun, lots of ammo, a bat to sling around your shoulder all cool like, and running shoes.  The way I figure, zombies aren't fast, in fact there have been countless studies that prove they can't go fast than 2 miles per hour (Did I just contradict myself?  Shut up you're ruining the rhythm.  Wow now I'm arguing with myself.)  All you really need here is an abandoned military outpost with a big heavy fence around it.  Take your surviving friends and family in there and hole up for 28 days then all the zombies will die of starvation (as seen in 28 Days Later).  Just make sure there aren't already horny military personnel there that want to procreate with your twelve year old sister.  That's when things get dicey.

Currently Listening In Your Honor By Foo Fighters What If I Do? see related

So second semster has already started off with a bang, I love my floor here in the dorms.  They're good people.  I can already tell this semester is going to be a good one.  Not only do I have some more interesting classes but I'm also going to start being on the air for KNIX.  Usually on Wed from 12-1 Ill be going somewhere and going on the air (saying where Im at) and giving away free tickets to people.  Im PRETTY excited to say the least, this is a huge opportunity for me and if I do well with this then the skies the limit....return of DJ Greggy D on KNIX perhaps? Who knows.