i have so much going on in my brain both positive and negative that i wanted to express them in writing. i am sorry if this sounds like complaining or ungratefulness. some of you may already know my story but not everyone does. and i can't seem to let go of it.

i have an older house like i have always wanted.

nature is much more noticable and appreciated here than where i used to live.

my dh works  close enough to come home for lunch every day.

he works close enough to ride a bike so we don't spend on gas!

my sons can go with him if they want.

the homeschooling laws in texas are fantastic.

i need hsing books but can't afford them!  the library is no help like it was in florida. i am too depressed to come up with good unschooling ideas.

i have been able to get food stamps easily and i need them desperately. i hate that i need them.

we have a walmart and everyone knows if you have a walmart you can survive.

the only store we have is walmart! if you drive 30 minutes you get some other stores but it is NOTHING like where i used to live. i miss  my hometown.

our library is so small! and so out of date.  i am used to having everyone check out 50 books per person, here we are allowed 6. and that includes movies. but that's ok- the latest book was printed  in 1982!!!!!  no lie!!! we just don't get new books!!  i have requested 30 interlibrary loans since we got here andhave not received one!!!!! i ask and ask why and the answer is always "i don't know"   i love my librarian but not my library.  no walmart doesn't carry much in the way of books- i even  asked why at christmas and was told  there isn't much call for them!!!  how can that be?

we don't have tv so i don't even have that!  we live too far out to get tv reception and we can't afford cable. i hate the ungodly tv but i would like some stimulation!!!

there are no kids my 22 yr old dd's age- they are all married with kids and she's not. she is immensly lonely.

i can't get driver's liscences for my dd and my ds.  we need to live here 3 yrs before my son can get one ( i know- WHAT?!)  and my dd needs 3 types of id and we have only 2 and they won't give her one til she gets married, goes to prison or becomes a pilot.  please don't say that's not true- i have been round and round with the authorities and know this to be true.

i am trying to stay on keel but i am not. pregnancy hormones don't help. i am miserably unhappy - we are all- and i can't seem to get it together.  there are days i don't get dressed-! i am slipping and have no one to help me.  please don't suggest church- i have been down that route and am so sick of the politics!! i am less of a christian when i attend church. tho am not much of one now- i feel like God dumped us here- not that He led us here.

i tell myself to give myself a break but it ain't easy. i tell myself that i have suffered a lot of trauma in a very short time and to give myself a break. i have had my home hit by a tornado nearly destroying the whole thing, lost my home of fifteen years to foreclosure, my car to repo, my rental home to eviction, my dad is suffering from cancer and needs a heart operation also, i have lost my neighbors and friends i saw daily, and now i literally see no one but my family, i have lost the ability to read as i explained above and reading is my lifeblood. i have suffered a miscarriage and then got pregnant again, 

all of this in 6 months.

 i am sorry if this sounds like complaining but it is my blog and i needed to articulate my feelings.

 how do you be your own titus 2 woman when you are so depressed and lonely and bored and sad and grief stricken that you can barely get out of bed in the morning?   serious answers only please, no "you need to pray" or "be glad you don't have cancer" or "smile, it could be worse", i know all that and it doesn't help

read this at jonash's homesteading blog

I blogged earlier about the sermon I recommended listening to, it draws a very scary parallel between children and old people . . . .
LISTEN! Please listen! This is what we believe about children now!!! This is what all of our young people, our teenagers believe! Christian or not!

#1 If you can't conviently afford children - DON'T HAVE THEM!

#2 If children disrupt your lifestyle - DON'T HAVE THEM!

Oh, my God! Please forgive us our sins! We as Christians have bought into a horrible lie . . . these same children are going to grow up, they are going to say "These old people - they disrupt our lifestyle. They are expensive. They complain." and they are going to start euthenizing . . . .

We don't see the value in children, we aren't going to see the value in old people. If we can't sacrifice for children how will we ever sacrifice our own comfort for our aging parents with grace?
Oh, I am broken about this . . . .

I've also been reading a book which is called Passionate Housewives Desperate for God. I'm sure many of you have heard of it. While I don't agree with some of the theology in the book, the theme that housewives are doing an important task that is given them by God, and that they should turn to Him (instead of pampering themselves) when they struggle makes it a very wonderful read for me.

Anyway, in one part of the book there is a brief discussion of how the Romans often either killed or abandoned their unwanted babies, and how the Christians in the area would often adopt these "unwanted" whenever they found them.
What do you think went through these Christian's minds whenever they found a helpless, tiny baby laying somewhere in the elements? Do you think that when they saw an extra baby they just said "What's an extra mouth to feed? Bring 'em along!"? Do you think they didn't have to make a HUGE decision right then and there?

Why do we read about other people and assume that they are better equiped to follow God than we are? Did every family that took in an orphan have an empty bedroom and spare change jingling in their pockets? They didn't have any trials or any difficulty feeding or clothing themselves . . . of course not!

I don't think people really change. Life had just as many challenges back then, probably different ones or possibly more fatal ones... Hunger was more well known, and clothing had to be made by hand. If a fox got into the henhouse it meant nobody had eggs or chicken to eat for a while.

As a mother of several back then, it'd be easy to see another child as a burden. I don't care how much of a help that baby would grow up to be on the "farm" it's still a huge investment until then. A baby has to be fed and clothed and housed and taught, or it isn't going to be any help at all! In case you didn't know, houses weren't huge back then; you'd have to build on yourself. You'd have to either spend money, or creat each piece of fabric by hand.
I just took a spinning class a few weekends ago, and if we suddenly had to rely on my spinning and crocheting skills we'd all be naked for a long, long time. I have great respect for those that had to take nasty, dirty fleeces and pick them clean, wash them, spin them, and then turn them into fabric. The amount of work that would go into one shirt just staggers me!
We have so many modern conviences, but that doesn't matter. The media has convienced us that we need more, more, more. You don't just need diapers and a few baby clothes and a couple of baby blankets; we need things that a generation ago were "luxeries" - you need a fully decorated, themed nursery with matching baby furniture, more toys than our parents' generation grew up with all together, and special soaps, lotions, shampoos, you name it!
What happened to being poor but loving each other, working together? Why, I think most of us would have to be richer than Bill Gates before we even considered helping out other people, at least to the extent of adoption to say the least!
So do you think that the Christians that added pitiful, abandoned babies to their homes were all wealthy?
Let's say, in a modern context that we are walking along and find a baby crying in a dumpster. What do you do? What excuses could we make?

"The mom is bound to come back for it soon, the wee little thing."

"Oh, how sad! If I didn't have so many of my own to feed . . . ."

"Well, we just had a baby. Two in diapers is just a herculene task I'd be crazy to volunteer for."

"Man, things are just tight right now. The price of gas is really hurting us. Why, if it gets much worse we're going to have to cut back and just get basic cable - there is no way we can upgrade our car to hold another."

"Oh, how dreadful! I'm going to take this baby to the proper authorities imediately! What? Raise it myself? But I don't have an idea what diseases the poor mother might have had or what issues this baby might grow up to posses! It's better that the state take the wee thing. They are there to handle these kind of situations."

What went through a Christian's mind when they found an abandoned baby? What happened when someone brought them another because they just knew, they knew these people loved children and would give their baby a home?
I have to stop ranting. I'm emotional today.
I just wish more people really loved children . . . .
Ashley