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| | It's been ages since I posted anything in my xanga, and I know I last left off talking about my new job. I guess that's a pretty good place to start my ranting. I'm working at the American Medical Association, and honestly, I shouldn't bitch about my job because it could be much worse (like working for Imagistics / Pitney Bowes). I guess what bothers me most about my job though is how boring it is. Day after day we do the same thing, and sure the projects come in different forms with slightly different tasks, but it's all the same thing in the end. I plug away at a computer entering data and verifying information. I get lied to or mislead every day collecting this information because when someone from the outside calls a doctors office and they aren't looking to make an appointment with a doctor, the assistant on the phone doesn't give to shits what they tell you. They want you off the phone as fast as humanly possible and will tell you anything to get you off the phone faster. So the information I collect from these people may or may not be true and it frustrates me that I could have just as easily gotten information off the internet that is just as reliable. There is also the factor that there is no accomplishment involved in this job. It's not like you finish something and feel like you've actually done a good job, mainly cause each task is like the other and so it seems as if the task never stops....and it doesn't. My boss doesn't really recognize progress or a job well done either. When Matt doesn't get positive feedback from his work, he begins to be paranoid that he's not doing a good job and stresses out over his job security.
I guess that's another factor to discuss, job security. I'm in limbo right now, because I desperatly need health insurance. I need to see a dentist but I'm scared of the government assistance dentists. I need to find a good doctor for my medical ailments and to actually get a good opinion on things, and my current doctor is pushing me towards a surgery I'm not really looking forward to, and one that could easily be avoided by an over the counter medication that I can't afford because I don't have insurance. You're probably asking yourself, if you work for the American Medical Association why don't you have insurance? Well, that's a fabulous question, I don't have insurance because I'm still working for the temp agency right now. I've been here and I was told that I would be working here for 3 months. I was also told the first week we started here that we'd probably get hired on full time. Now is the waiting game, because I was lied to by the temp agency. They said the assignment was 3 months long but really it's 6 months long, and I'm not likely to get hired until the contract here ends. Once I get hired I will be eligeble for health insurance but I will have to go through another 6 months waiting process before my benefits will take effect. I'm basically looking at about 10 months of waiting before I will even have insurance and by then I will have had to go through extreemly frighting medical treatments. My new question is, what do I do. Should I stick it out here, deal with the boring job and wait 10 months for my insurance, or do I look elsewhere for employement and take my chances. I'm not even sure that my job here is secure beacuse we haven't heard anything about being hired on in 2 months. I don't really know.
I'm still in love, but my relationship with my boyfriend is changing. I fear the honeymoon portion of our relationship is ending and we're not really as excited about each other anymore. This is the time in every relationship where you either stick together or run like hell. In traditional gay relationships they break up because they are always after the excitement. I've come to realize though that what comes after the excitement is better. He's still the same boy I was excited about, that I adore and can't be without. I get scared of change because I'm unsure of how it will effect our relationship, and I don't want us to grow apart. Is there excitement in our relationship, well yes, but it's not a daily excitement as it use to be. I'm secure, confident, happy in my relationship, and I wouldnt' change him out for any hot body or intelectual genium in the world. We're partners in the world and together we are a powerful couple capable of doing anything we set our minds to doing. I have someone in my life to make plans with, to grow old with, to share all aspects of my life with. I always have someone to talk to, to cry with, to hung and kiss when I need it. Someone that is so part of my life that the picture in my head of when I'm 50 is of us both sitting on a portch swing, smoking a cigarette and drinking wine just enjoying the moment. I wouldn't throw away an entire life with one person for all the muscular twinks in the world, cause nobody else can give me so much happiness in my whole life.
In recent conversations though, I had to voice my feelings on the subject of friends vs. boyfriend. It's very common for people to abandon their friends when they get into a relationship. We get territorial over our boyfriends time and want to be included and involved in every aspect of their day. I haven't really gone out and spent time with any of my friends in months, because I don't really want to leave my lover behind. I finally reached a point this weekend though where I really wasn't happy. I'm not unhappy about my relationship, but unhappy in what is missing in my life. My social interaction was missing, going out with my friends, dancing, talking, learning from other people, and being part of other peoples lives. There is nothing wrong with including your boyfriend in social outings with your friends, but there is a 3rd wheel effect and I know I've been on both sides of this. It sucks when you're boyfriend is having a great time with his friends and you are just sitting at the bar waiting for the time to be over. The dynamic of your friendships also changes when you bring your boyfriend to everything you do. Your friends don't talk to you the same way, and you act more reserved then you usually would with your friends. You must keep in mind, your friends are friends with you because of how you were when they first met you. If you are different when your boyfriend is around, as most of us are, then your friends aren't giong to enjoy hanging out with you as much. It's not to say I'm not going to be thinking of my boyfriend the whole time I'm out with my friends, but you need some distance in your relationship as well in order to be an individual and have interests. Me and my friend Drew for example, we are fashionista's and circuit boys, we like to go out and party hard and look the part, but when I bring my boyfriend, I act subdued and reserved. To quote: "well, I have a boyfriend so I can't have fun anymore". I would never to anything to cross the line, but you also don't act crazy when you're boyfriend is around. I in some ways loose my personality entirely because I have no outlet to be myself anymore.
Me and Andy did talk this out though, we're okay and we realize that there are gonna be some parts that suck during this process of change, but it's gonna work out in the end. One of us might be at home alone and bored, while the other is out having fun, but over time we'll both have something to go out and do and we'll be having fun apart from each other, and we'll come home and be happier together, and have stories to share. I think this is gonna make us a stronger couple. I especially say this because I've felt like I'm not trusted and that there has been a level of jealousy from my boyfriend. Since he really didn't seem to want me to go out alone, and to some degree I think there is truth to it. Trust can only be built through experience, if I am never allowed to go to a bar alone we will never have experiences to say "hey look, I didn't cheat on you and I went out alone". Jealousy issues can only be resolved if we both work to have a little seperation in our lives, where we don't feel left out, but feel we have an opportunity to get out on our own for a little while. This is the path to a heatlhier us I believe.
So I've covered work, relationship, I sadly dont' think I have much else to discuss. My heatlh is wonderful honestly, I did get kicked a few times this summer. I had the flu 4 hours after the pride parade ended this year. I was in bed for the whole next day. I'm getting these pain in the ass (literally) procedures done every 3 weeks, but nothing that is making me sick. I was having a horrible time with my tooth, but it seems to have gone away, at least for now. I still need to see a dentist ASAP but I'm okay. The weather is making me feel drained, but that's normal. I'm really praying right now, for some amazing test results from my last doctors appointment which was last week. My T Cell count was up to 576 last time, and my viral load was down to 30,300, which is so great for me. I'm hoping that in the next year I'll see some really amazing numbers and hopefully if I set my mind to it, I will see what I call normal peoples numbers. It's sorta my life goal to be free of everything and feel totally healthy. Being sane would be nice to but that will probably take a lot longer. HAHAHA
Okay, that's most of my update. I totally deleted all the info on my phone the other day and destroyed my social circle in the process. I lost every phone number I use to have, and 1/3 of the people in my phone are people I only can get a hold of through the phone. I'm hoping that those people will call me and it'll all be cool. Even my friends whom I can talk to online seem to have disappeared, so I'm feeling a little naked without my friends phone numbers. Cell phones shouldn't be this complicated to operate, guess it's my fault for pushing buttons I didn't know their function.
Till next time,
Matt
| | | Posted 7/18/2006 2:20 PM - 0 comments
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