AbercrombieBoiM's Xanga

GOODBYE

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 17:03:05 GMT

After a great long many years with Xanga. I have decided to abandon the site. It just isn't giving me what I want anymore. Bigger and better things have come along, like myspace. If anyone really cares since as far as I can tell nobody has been to my page in months I will leave a forwarding website. If you wanna know what's up with me, or hear my random insight on life visit me at

www.myspace.com/canadian_matt

I have been posting a great deal of things lately and life is still quite exciting, actually, it's been very exciting as of late and I'm happier in my life today then I have been ever in all my years blogging.

So I wish you all well, GOODBYE XANGA!

Monday, July 24, 2006

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 19:27:11 GMT

KELLY CLARKSON - ADDICTED


It's like you're a drug 
It's like you're a demon I can't face down 
It's like I'm stuck 
It's like I'm running from you all the time 

And I know I let you have all the powers
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around 

It's like you're a leech 
Sucking the life from me 
It's like I can't breathe 
Without you inside of me 

And I know I let you have all the power 
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time 

It's like I can't breathe 
It's like I can't see anything 
Nothing but you 
I'm addicted to you 
It's like I can't think 
Without you interrupting me 
In my thoughts, in my dreams 
You've taken over me 
It's like I'm not me 
It's like I'm not me 

It's like I'm lost 
It's like I'm giving up slowly 
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me 
Leave me alone 
And I know these voices in my head are mine alone 
And I know I'll never change my ways 
If I don't give you up now 

It's like I can't breathe 
It's like I can't see anything 
Nothing but you 
I'm addicted to you 
It's like I can't think 
Without you interrupting me 
In my thoughts, in my dreams 
You've taken over me 
It's like I'm not me 
It's like I'm not me 

I'm hooked on you 
I need a fix 
I can't take it 
Just one more hit 
I promise I can deal with it 
I'll handle it, quit it 
Just one more time, then that's it 
Just a little bit more to get me through this 
[2x]

It's like I can't breathe 
It's like I can't see anything 
Nothing but you 
I'm addicted to you 
It's like I can't think 
Without you interrupting me 
In my thoughts, in my dreams 
You've taken over me 
It's like I'm not me 
It's like I'm not me

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 15:20:06 GMT

It's been ages since I posted anything in my xanga, and I know I last left off talking about my new job. I guess that's a pretty good place to start my ranting. I'm working at the American Medical Association, and honestly, I shouldn't bitch about my job because it could be much worse (like working for Imagistics / Pitney Bowes). I guess what bothers me most about my job though is how boring it is. Day after day we do the same thing, and sure the projects come in different forms with slightly different tasks, but it's all the same thing in the end. I plug away at a computer entering data and verifying information. I get lied to or mislead every day collecting this information because when someone from the outside calls a doctors office and they aren't looking to make an appointment with a doctor, the assistant on the phone doesn't give to shits what they tell you. They want you off the phone as fast as humanly possible and will tell you anything to get you off the phone faster. So the information I collect from these people may or may not be true and it frustrates me that I could have just as easily gotten information off the internet that is just as reliable. There is also the factor that there is no accomplishment involved in this job. It's not like you finish something and feel like you've actually done a good job, mainly cause each task is like the other and so it seems as if the task never stops....and it doesn't. My boss doesn't really recognize progress or a job well done either. When Matt doesn't get positive feedback from his work, he begins to be paranoid that he's not doing a good job and stresses out over his job security.

I guess that's another factor to discuss, job security. I'm in limbo right now, because I desperatly need health insurance. I need to see a dentist but I'm scared of the government assistance dentists. I need to find a good doctor for my medical ailments and to actually get a good opinion on things, and my current doctor is pushing me towards a surgery I'm not really looking forward to, and one that could easily be avoided by an over the counter medication that I can't afford because I don't have insurance. You're probably asking yourself, if you work for the American Medical Association why don't you have insurance? Well, that's a fabulous question, I don't have insurance because I'm still working for the temp agency right now. I've been here and I was told that I would be working here for 3 months. I was also told the first week we started here that we'd probably get hired on full time. Now is the waiting game, because I was lied to by the temp agency. They said the assignment was 3 months long but really it's 6 months long, and I'm not likely to get hired until the contract here ends. Once I get hired I will be eligeble for health insurance but I will have to go through another 6 months waiting process before my benefits will take effect. I'm basically looking at about 10 months of waiting before I will even have insurance and by then I will have had to go through extreemly frighting medical treatments. My new question is, what do I do. Should I stick it out here, deal with the boring job and wait 10 months for my insurance, or do I look elsewhere for employement and take my chances. I'm not even sure that my job here is secure beacuse we haven't heard anything about being hired on in 2 months. I don't really know.

I'm still in love, but my relationship with my boyfriend is changing. I fear the honeymoon portion of our relationship is ending and we're not really as excited about each other anymore. This is the time in every relationship where you either stick together or run like hell. In traditional gay relationships they break up because they are always after the excitement. I've come to realize though that what comes after the excitement is better. He's still the same boy I was excited about, that I adore and can't be without. I get scared of change because I'm unsure of how it will effect our relationship, and I don't want us to grow apart. Is there excitement in our relationship, well yes, but it's not a daily excitement as it use to be. I'm secure, confident, happy in my relationship, and I wouldnt' change him out for any hot body or intelectual genium in the world. We're partners in the world and together we are a powerful couple capable of doing anything we set our minds to doing. I have someone in my life to make plans with, to grow old with, to share all aspects of my life with. I always have someone to talk to, to cry with, to hung and kiss when I need it. Someone that is so part of my life that the picture in my head of when I'm 50 is of us both sitting on a portch swing, smoking a cigarette and drinking wine just enjoying the moment. I wouldn't throw away an entire life with one person for all the muscular twinks in the world, cause nobody else can give me so much happiness in my whole life.

In recent conversations though, I had to voice my feelings on the subject of friends vs. boyfriend. It's very common for people to abandon their friends when they get into a relationship. We get territorial over our boyfriends time and want to be included and involved in every aspect of their day. I haven't really gone out and spent time with any of my friends in months, because I don't really want to leave my lover behind. I finally reached a point this weekend though where I really wasn't happy. I'm not unhappy about my relationship, but unhappy in what is missing in my life. My social interaction was missing, going out with my friends, dancing, talking, learning from other people, and being part of other peoples lives. There is nothing wrong with including your boyfriend in social outings with your friends, but there is a 3rd wheel effect and I know I've been on both sides of this. It sucks when you're boyfriend is having a great time with his friends and you are just sitting at the bar waiting for the time to be over. The dynamic of your friendships also changes when you bring your boyfriend to everything you do. Your friends don't talk to you the same way, and you act more reserved then you usually would with your friends. You must keep in mind, your friends are friends with you because of how you were when they first met you. If you are different when your boyfriend is around, as most of us are, then your friends aren't giong to enjoy hanging out with you as much. It's not to say I'm not going to be thinking of my boyfriend the whole time I'm out with my friends, but you need some distance in your relationship as well in order to be an individual and have interests. Me and my friend Drew for example, we are fashionista's and circuit boys, we like to go out and party hard and look the part, but when I bring my boyfriend, I act subdued and reserved. To quote: "well, I have a boyfriend so I can't have fun anymore". I would never to anything to cross the line, but you also don't act crazy when you're boyfriend is around. I in some ways loose my personality entirely because I have no outlet to be myself anymore.

Me and Andy did talk this out though, we're okay and we realize that there are gonna be some parts that suck during this process of change, but it's gonna work out in the end. One of us might be at home alone and bored, while the other is out having fun, but over time we'll both have something to go out and do and we'll be having fun apart from each other, and we'll come home and be happier together, and have stories to share. I think this is gonna make us a stronger couple. I especially say this because I've felt like I'm not trusted and that there has been a level of jealousy from my boyfriend. Since he really didn't seem to want me to go out alone, and to some degree I think there is truth to it. Trust can only be built through experience, if I am never allowed to go to a bar alone we will never have experiences to say "hey look, I didn't cheat on you and I went out alone". Jealousy issues can only be resolved if we both work to have a little seperation in our lives, where we don't feel left out, but feel we have an opportunity to get out on our own for a little while. This is the path to a heatlhier us I believe.

So I've covered work, relationship, I sadly dont' think I have much else to discuss. My heatlh is wonderful honestly, I did get kicked a few times this summer. I had the flu 4 hours after the pride parade ended this year. I was in bed for the whole next day. I'm getting these pain in the ass (literally) procedures done every 3 weeks, but nothing that is making me sick. I was having a horrible time with my tooth, but it seems to have gone away, at least for now. I still need to see a dentist ASAP but I'm okay. The weather is making me feel drained, but that's normal. I'm really praying right now, for some amazing test results from my last doctors appointment which was last week. My T Cell count was up to 576 last time, and my viral load was down to 30,300, which is so great for me. I'm hoping that in the next year I'll see some really amazing numbers and hopefully if I set my mind to it, I will see what I call normal peoples numbers. It's sorta my life goal to be free of everything and feel totally healthy. Being sane would be nice to but that will probably take a lot longer. HAHAHA

Okay, that's most of my update. I totally deleted all the info on my phone the other day and destroyed my social circle in the process. I lost every phone number I use to have, and 1/3 of the people in my phone are people I only can get a hold of through the phone. I'm hoping that those people will call me and it'll all be cool. Even my friends whom I can talk to online seem to have disappeared, so I'm feeling a little naked without my friends phone numbers. Cell phones shouldn't be this complicated to operate, guess it's my fault for pushing buttons I didn't know their function.

Till next time,

Matt

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 14:24:59 GMT

I wanted to take a minute to recognize the most important person in my life. Andersen Foxworthy Ritsch is the single most active person in making me who I am today. This man is amazing and he is the best friend, partner, boyfriend, and lover a person could ever ask for. Back in 2004 when I met Andy I was a normal sane person, but was unhappy in life. I had just left school and felt lost, but not a week after I got home from school Andy filled the void that I was feeling. He showed me how to really love a person and made my life complete again.

Now when he left I sorta let my life go to shit. I did really bad things to myself and that void in my life came back. I searched in every way possible to fill that void but nothing could make me as happy as I was with him. No amount of money, sex, lust, drugs, alcohol, friends, or work could fill the void I was feeling inside. I screwed up a lot of things in my life during that year he was gone. Even while he was gone I could do nothing but push him away because of how ashamed I was of where my life was headed. He knows how amazing he was, and he came back to stop me and turn my life around. This boy moved back to Chicago for me, left his life, his family, his friends and moved back up here to be with me. Even after everything that I did, everything I screwed up on, and the fact he knew I was still hurt by him for leaving me, he came back. He struggled through the rest of my hard times and supported me. He solely made me want to be a better person, to be a person he would be proud of, and to work hard at making our relationship stronger and healthier.

I honestly know that I would not be able to get up and go to work every day if I didn't know he was going to wake up next to me, and be home with me after work. He's my best friend and my life partner, we are the "WE" couple in a gay community of impossible love. We have made it through the struggles of gay life and have found happiness in each other in good times and in bad. Without him I wouldn't be able to stuggle though financial hardships, or apartment fiasco's. I wouldn't be able to push for a better job, or dream of the future. Hell, I couldn't even keep my apartment clean until he came along. I also have to say, I appreciate all he does for me. He does do a lot more dishes than me still, and every time he picks up that sponge I try to think of a way to make up for my lazyness.

Andy is the one person in this world I can count on, I can trust, and I can truly love unconditionally (okay save Christine whom I also love unconditionally, can trust, and count on.) He is by far the one person though in this world that I would change for to make him happy. I love you so much Andersen Ritsch!!!!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Tue, 30 May 2006 14:22:54 GMT

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

(Written by a fellow xanga poster)

I wrote my congresspeople today at www.congress.org about the Marriage Amendment legislation that's currently being voted on:

This legislation is nothing more than a political maneuver to rile up a political base for the upcoming elections. It disgusts me that my taxpaying dollars are being wasted on this ugly piece of legislation that plays with the lives of millions of gay and lesbian Americans.

May I remind you that it is your job as an elected official, when preparing legislation, to work with all parties with an interest in it. I ask you how many gay or lesbian groups you have worked with in writing up such legislation? It's obvious that this you've consulted very fanatical religious groups on this subject of the Marriage Amendment, but have you thoroughly spoken with any gay/lesbian groups at all?

Another question I pose: is this legislation even constitutional? Does it not go against the right of gay and lesbian Americans to pursue happiness? Let me remind you that life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are unalienable rights that were recognized by our Founding Fathers.

Marriage is one right that you cannot take away from people, regardless of sexual orientation. You will still have thousands of gay and lesbian Americans living together, having children (whether by adoption or biology), and building families. They will still attend family events, go to work, and function as any other married couples do.

Again, this political chess game, where you've used gay and lesbian Americans as useless pawns, nothing more than pieces to be tossed aside, is reprehensible. Please let me know what you are doing to maintain their status as human beings with the constitutional rights as such. Your response is much appreciated.

Posted 5/30/2006 at 1:05 PM - email it

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1 Comment

The whole topic of gay marriage is lame! It's also being faught in the wrong battle. The government has very little to do with a marriage in the first place. The only benefit to a marriage recognized by a government is tax rights, and spouse rights. Honestly, we are fighting the government for the wrong things, we should be fighting for the rights awarded to married couples, not asking them to allow us to marry. Honestly, the act of marriage is held in the religious sects of life. Each individual church makes a decision to allow gay and lesbian couples to marry. Jewish temples allow and recognize gay marriage, Catholic churches do not.

So be very clear, what exactly are you fighting for. Are you fighting for your right to equal taxation, equal spousal support, ability to adopt children...or are you fighting for the right to have our relationships recognized by the government. Honestly, I could care less if the government recognizes my relationship as long as I get the same rights as everyone else. The only people I need to recognize my relationship with my partner are me, my partner, and god (whom ever he may be). Being Catholic this causes a little problem, because Catholics don't beleive in gay marriage, there for, god does not recognize it...says Man! It's still there for my choice to acknowledge my own personal commitment to my partner.

I find that gays are fighting the wrong battle. They are definitly not fighting the right way, and honestly this topic is never going to move forward until people start really talking about the issues they want to fix. Heterosexuals are never going to allow two men to get married. They will certainly allow us to have the same legal rights as everyone else though, just as they do with common law marriages. So why don't we stop pretending like whoa is me, cause this is total bullshit whinning crap, and it's annoying as hell, and makes me sad to be part of the so called Gay group. Grow up!

Posted 5/30/2006 at 2:20 PM by AbercrombieBoiM

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Thu, 18 May 2006 14:39:16 GMT

I started my new job, the one that was suppose to be a temp for 3 months and now is a full time gig! It's actually pretty sweet, at least so far. I'm a data specialist for the American Medical Association. I basically sit around on the phone all day calling doctors and updating their information in the data base. It gets a little more complicated then that cause there is a whole survey to go through and this and that. It also gets complicated when the data base says that the doctor is dead but really he's practicing in Vermont. It's a nice short day, working from 8:30 to 4:45. We get an hour lunch, and 2, 15 minute breaks. Totally sweet! Besides not actually working for the company and rather working for the temp agency, this is a pretty sweet gig! Sure, it migth get a little boring, but at the same time boring is better than crazy, or doing something you absolutly hate doing.

So yeah, I haven't heard a word from my old boss at the store. She closed up and moved out! I'm still waiting for a paycheck from that whore, but I don't know if I'll ever really end up seeing one. She is a manipulative lesbian, and I don't think taking her to small claims court would really do me any good for a lowsy $200 bucks. At the same time, she does owe me money and she best be getting it to me ASAP. I really don't want to call her though because she think I store her money in the first place. Apparently someone stole money out of the unsupervised, unlocked, and unchecked deposits. She told one of my other staff members that she thought it was me on the basis that I wasn't concerned with the money being missing. My responce to her when she asked me why I wasn't concerned was: "Why the hell should I be concerned about your money missing when I'm being given 3 days notice to find a new job". Yeah, that shut her up pretty quick. Oddly enough though, I did find a job in a week and started it, and really I'm only out money for 5 days, plus I'm actually still waiting for my last paycheck, so potentially I'm not out anything.

So the married couple syndrom is definitly continuing. Thing is, I'm happy for it, cause I really don't care what we do or where we go. I'm sorta over it all. We started making up rules for our weekends, like every weekend we have to do a project around the house. This weekend we are going to take the paint off the fireplace. If it's nice out, I definitly want to go rollerblading down the lake. But me and my husband are doing pretty good besides a few stressful moments where we just freak out. I think our friends are starting to get annoyed at this though, cause we are the married couple out of the group, and none of the others actually have boyfriends let alone partners. Of course I don't have a partner yet, he hasn't asked me! HAHAHAHA Plus I'm still waiting for that ring on my finger to appear!?!?!?!?! HINT HINT (KIDDING).

So yeah, all else is pretty good, the apartment is great, the job situation is pretty good, more money! Doctor stuff ain't so hot right now but it's not my job to resolve all that, hopefully my careworker will get her ass in gear and make it happen. Essencially I still haven't fixed all my problems, though my T cell count is high and my viral load is down again for the 3rd check in a row. YAY! Plus I'm eating better, excersising more, and sleeping on a fairly regular sleep schedule (that andy doesn't like) but it works for me. So the furtur really holds lots of posibility, maybe a vacation somewhere warm, or a new TV, or definitly some new clothes, cause now I even have an excuse to buy new clothes which I didn't have before. Muahahaha, for having an excuse to go clothes shopping.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 13:42:19 GMT

OMG....Last night was insane! It had been months since the last time I went out with Drew, and now I remember what I was missing. Though I also remember what it feels like the next day. Hitting up Hydrate on a Monday always a great time. I wish I could have shared it with Andy, but I guess now and then a boy has to do stuff without his boyfriend. I must admit though I wish my boyfriend had been there cause I was left the only one that wasn't making out with someone at the bar, and there were some really nice looking guys, well, at least body wise. I still would have rather made out with my boyfriend though. I know if he had been there we would have made the whole bar jealous and that's what I really wanted.

But that aside we definitly all had a great time last night. Aaron and I had a bonding experience, one that I believe we will look back on for months to come and laugh. That boy is crazy let me tell ya, and he definitly knows how to hold his liquor. Plus I think we needed each other last night to get home, cause between the two of us we were like one functioning person. And what was up with the guy that gave us the brawts and hamburgers on the CTA at 3:30 in the morning.

So my boyfriend was upset when I got home. I felt a little guilty but at the same time really needed a fun night out with Drew. I love my boyfriend to death and he was valid in being a little upset. He did get his revenge though. He set all the clock alarms in the house to go off at different times after he left. So I inevitable woke him up at 4am last night, but he got me back by waking me up 3 times this morning. It was fair though! It's been a pretty rough morning, and it's only gonna get worse cause I gotta go to the doctor in a few hours. I realy need to soaber up.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 10:46:15 GMT

Well, it's officially happend. I moved back into the city. THANK GOD! Just in case you haven't read past posts, or maybe you've just forgoten, I have been trying to get a place in the city for the last 3 months now. I'm serious! After about 4 applications for apartments we finally got approved for a place and even then it wasn't ready for like 3 weeks because they had to fix stuff like the plumming before we could move in. It was getting absolutly rediculous. Me and my boyfriend faught like everyday about stuff and I swear it was probably one of the most stressful points in my life just because all the normal stresses of life were pilled up on top of that.

So anyway, we did finally move to Edgewater. For those of you not familiar with chicago or what not, that's northside of the city. It's actually near the beach and everything. Lakeshore drive ends almost at my house. Anyway, it's a great little 1 bedroom apartment, but when I say little I mean in comparison to a mansion. No really, this place goes on forever, it's nothing like my last apartment. It has a large family room that leads into a small hallway. Then you take a right and your in the bedroom which is about the same size as the family room. There is a walk in closet with a window for all my clothes which amazingly all fit with more room. We also have a sun portch right off the bedroom, it's small but I think in the summer it's gonna be my favorite room in the whole place. I know the cat is in love with that room cause it's sunny and he can sit in all the windows and stare at things he's never seen before. We have a small but realy cute bathroom, it has a claw foot bath tub, and a new vanity, it's also got a cabinet above the toilet and all the stuff in the bathroom is new. It has a decent sized linen closet that we've turned into the cats room. We have enough storage space we actually can sacrifice a little space for the cat. We also have a dinning room, and I mean we have a full sized dinning room. It has a built in china cabinet and it's perfect for my little table. It's actually a little to big cause it makes you less willing to walk all the way to the kitchen that is on the other side of the building. Yes, our apartment actually spans one side of the first floor of the building. It's crazy. Our kitchen is so much nicer then what we had. Still no dishwasher but we have running water and a double basin sink. The counter tops are brand new and the cabinets aren't very old either. We even have a walk in pantry for our storage needs, plus we have a back door. I never thought I'd have a back door in my apartment. It's so much better than those cookie cutter apartment buildings. I hate those buildings now. So it was a really exciting weekend we had when moving in discovering all the things we love about this place.

Unfortunetly a few things happend after moving in. The first being that I wasn't stressed out anymore and my body is all fucked up. I was living off that stress for such a long time I got use to it and without it my body isn't happy. I got sick right afterwards which is normal. I'm still not exactly over all that yet. I sorta got lazy as well because I don't have that get up and go desire I had when I was stressed out. I find I'm a little disoriented as well because all I had to talk about for such a long time was what was going on with this apartment hunt and now I don't know what to talk about so I'm not very social about things cause I'm out of touch with everything else. It's making me a little depressed actually, which is why I'm not exactly feeling normal. In terms of Andy I sorta feel like it's when people become parents and they have kids for a long time, then the kids go to college and the parents are left with nothing to talk about. It's not exactly that serious but I'm like okay, we've been talking about this for so long I don't know what to say. I'm still trying to adjust, and though I love this apartment I'm also feeling off because this is new. I don't exactly feel like I'm at home yet, I feel like I'm at someone elses house. Probably cause there are no memories here yet, there is no experience here, granted, we haven't even finished everything here. Not that I had any say in where things were going to go, or what I wanted in this apartment. My last apartment was all about me, I think that's why I felt it was my apartment, the power shifted, now I feel like it's Andy's apartment and I'm staying with him. It doesn't feel like our apartment.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 17:51:26 GMT

It's been one year since I found out I had HIV, and life hasn't really changed all that much for me. It's not like that one thing has really affected my life that much anyway. Sure it has made me realize things, and it's made me grow up a little, and it's got me more alert to what I do with my health. I'd say though that I'm still in a great relationship with someone that isn't HIV positive. I'm still healthy and capable of working and going out and doing all the same things a normal 24 year old would do. I have better friends than most people my age do because I don't feel the need to put up with bullshit anymore. Hell, things were probably worse this time last year then they are now.

It's actually kind of funny because this time last year I was homeless, well, by choice pretty much. I had broke up with Shit face, and moved out of his condo. Moved in with another shit face to be left un-named whom I thought was a friend of mine but really just wanted in my pants. Pretty much at that point things were all going south. I eventually ended up just house hopping, living on couches, luckily I had a car to live out of for the most part and I had a way to get around. I even had a job at that point but it wasn't enough to actually get me anywhere. Sure after things got bad enough I moved back home to my parents house and started over.

So life was treating me pretty shitty a year ago today, but I struggled though it. Spend a month getting drunk, spent a month getting back on my feet, dating, eventually finding a job that I ended up hatting but at least got me into an apartment, had most of my bills paid. Then of course I got overly stressed and couldn't actually do my job anymore. With all the shit I had gone through I broke down and for a little while wanted to do things the easy way. Life had made me work so hard to get so little I needed the easy way for a change. I got stuck enjoying the easy way and not caring at all about my body of what people thought of me. In fact, I know some people actually looked up to me, which is funny that being a whore in the gay community really does make you a hero in some peoples eyes.

Well now I have a boyfriend, someone to support me and make me realize I'm better than that past bullshit. So I grew up again, I started taking care of myself again. Of course that isn't a finalized process, it's still a struggle since I can barely make ends meet, but instead of trying to make ends meet with all the stuff I had going on, I cut back and got rid of things I really didn't need anymore. It's been rather easy since rent hasn't had to be paid in 3 months, but now we have the troubles of getting a new apartment. Maybe things will start to look up this week and we'll be moving into a beautiful apartment where we can actually enjoy our lives and our jobs and each other.

It's been a really bumpy year, it's had ups and downs, and good and bad, it's certainly mostly brought me health honestly. It's irronic that having a deadly virus can actually make you feel healtier than you really are. It more than likely has something to do with the fact that I pay attention to things a lot more than you guys do. That's not to say I do much differently. I'm not on medication as of yet, I just eat better, excersise or at least move around more, think about vitamin intakes and fruits and veggies. Everything your mother told you to do is what I'm up to now. Hell, my T cell count is up, my viral load is down and I haven't even needed medication. Sure, I could also quit smoking that would help me out a lot, I could actually go to a gym or try to get myself in shape, maybe even cut out all that shitty food I eat, but I think I've done enough for one year, and next year we'll see where things go.

Living with HIV has tought me so many things about others, about myself, about humanity in general. There are only a handful of people out there that truly are your friends, that really want to help you and be there for you. Hold on to those people close because you need them. The people that aren't your friends, those what I like to call "High School" friendship are meaningless and the sooner you remove them from your life the better you will feel about yourself. Those people only bring you down. You can quickly and easily tell the difference between those relationship when you have something really important to tell them. The friends that understood and accepted my HIV status were my friends, those that couldn't cope with it and ran away are not my friends and those people have nothing to do with me anymore and I'm glad. Understand, there will always be a few linguring high school relationships in your life, we really actually need those people in our lives because progress comes in strange ways. A high school relationship may suprise you and develop into a real friendship in a blink of an eye. You can really never have enough good friends, people that make you feel great about yourself.

About me, a year ago I started to understand myself. So many people walk around pretending to be someone they aren't, or acting like someone they aren't. I don't believe those people are acting, I believe those people are trying to find themselves. How can one act like themselves if they know nothing about themselves. The typical gay youth clones for example, they all try to mimic each other, wearing the same cothes, same hair, same eye make up, same drug choices. Make some decisions for yourself and understand why you made those decisions. You have nobody to blame but yourself for any actions you take, including what you wore today. I'll give you an example, I can explain to you why I do almost everything I do in my life. There is an explanation for it all. This is probably because in philosophy you are tought that every actions has an equal or opposite reaction. Lets take my job for instance, I'm in fashion because my parents denied me clothes all through High School. Walmart fashion wasn't exactly my ideal taste in High School. I became obsessed with fashion and now look at me. I spend way to much money on clothes and I work in a store, and I'm devoting my whole life to what I call an art form. I can use the same ideaology about my sex life, about my choices in life, about my personality, I can pretty much explain everything about myself now. I really do know who I am, and why. Can you answer that question?

Now lets see though, humanity in general is affraid, affraid of change, affraid of differences, affraid of hell, everything! Plus, we are all out for our own personal gain and we are all cutting each others throats. Humanity sucks, they shouldn't even call it humanity cause there is nothing humane about it. We're a bunch of animals who when pushed in the street by some guy walking the other way they don't even say sorry anymore. Hell, even someone that you think is your friend can stab you in the back by selling you a car that is way over priced and you think it's great and you're getting a deal. True story there! I guess the only thing I can really say about all that is BE CAREFUL....Life is hard and nobody is going to help you out unless it benefits them in some way. Now if you are the humane type, be even more careful, cause you're the most likely to get used. That's probably even scarier because you're the type to think you can change things but trust me, there are way more mean people out for themselves out there than there are of you! So stop it!!!

Okay, so I want to shut up now because I think this is the longest post I've ever written. Hopefully this year is going to be a good one. I'm hoping to stay off meds for another year, get healthier, get buffer, fall in love more, be wealthier, and just in general be happier, hopefully living in our new beautiful apartment in Edgewater. I even hope I'm still working for the same company in a year because I love that job, they just need to pay me more. So I guess in some way this is sorta like a Happy New Year send off! Cause it's the start of a new one for me in many ways.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 22:31:07 GMT

Go figure that we work so hard to live, love, learn, and be successful but those things make us unhappy while trying to attain them. For example, you land a great job and it stresses you out because for a few years at least you are at the bottom of the corporate food chain and your life sucks. It pays off in the end but for years you're miserable.

Relationships are another good example, only where is the pay off exactly? We all strive to be in relationships, even those slutty queens at the bar want to be loved and find a suitable partner. We are obsessed with the idea of dating and being in love actually, because every magazine, TV show, Movie, website, and radio talk show discusses relationships and dating on a daily basis. We can't seem to get over something that in reality can make you miserable a good chunk of your life. I'm in love now as you all know, but it's a bumpy ride with lots of uncertain complications and uneasy decisions that get made to keep the peace. Go figure I can't say that this relationship makes me happy at all times, but without it at this point I would be miserable. How does this work, another turn! Perhaps this is the question I'm looking for, that we are actually more miserable without a relationship then we are being in a relationship that at times makes you miserable. What a conundrum!

Shopping also feeds our needs and happiness. I definitly suffer from the worst case of depression = go buy something. If I'm unhappy about something my way of feeling better is spending money that I don't have. Of course this makes me feel better for all of about an hour until I realize that I'm broke and can't eat. Then I'm unhappy again. Then I think about needing a better job that I'm going to hate because I'll have to start at the bottom again and life takes its turn once again. Of course without a job, the boyfriend would leave as well, and then the whole house of cards colapses ontop of you. Its funny how fragile life really is.

Is the key to happiness just not to change once you've found your harmony. I don't believe that's possible either because a monotness life with no change would eventually lead a person to go mad as well. Maybe it's really inevitable that the house of cards will fall, and we have little or no control over when it will happen or if it will happen.

I suppose to sum this up, the old saying ; "life sucks, and then you die" is acurate honestly, because nothing we do in life will really keep us ultimately happy all the time. Another circumstance will always come up making life more difficult and making us a little more miserable. The only way to thrive in this world is to look forward and see the happy things. Oh boy, I just asked another question, what are the happy things. I can certainly say that those are not constant, because every day something different may make you happy, and who knows what today's ticket is to happiness.