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| I have decided to leave xanga, i have found facebook to be much more 'user friendly' and i was getting annoyed having to check and update two seperate sites. so if you are still interested in my life then go to facebook and find me there.
Strength & Honor,
Abel
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| Have you ever seen a movie, heard a song, read a book that upon its completion shines a new light on your life, and how you view it? Did you continue to ponder that thought until it took hold and actually changed who you were? Or did you pass the thought off, letting the feeling wither and die, leaving nothing but mere blackened, withered petals where there was once a begining of beautiful new growth?
No answers; Just questions,
Abel
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| So, I have some amazing news. I'm sure by now you have at least heard about it, but if not then I guess you'll just have to ask me the next time we talk.
Strength & Honor,
Abel
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| So I am a coward. I have so many issues and problems varying from the very simple, to the perplexingly aweful, and I refuse to allow myself the vulnerability that comes with sharing them. I keep my stuff to myself in order to 'save' myself from the possibility of pain and sadness that can come with sharing, yet I force sadness and pain upon myself anyway, by refusing to share. I have worn 'masks' for so long I have forgotten what my real face is supposed to look like, and rather than stare at the cold hard truth in the mirror, I had chosen to merely find my favorite mask, and use it most commonly, hoping that it would suffice, but it doesn't. I still cry myself to sleep at night, I still scream in the darkness of my dreams, I still feel the pain that I had hoped to avoid.
I need to stop blaming how I am on my parents, they played an essential
part in the mess that I am, but I am no longer under their care, and I
need to start taking responsibility for my own shit (pardon the
profanity). I have awesome, loyal friends that I know I can tell anything to, and yet I still kept to myself. I have the love of an indescribably amazing woman and we have gone through hell together, and yet regardless of what we have been able to survive thus far, I still refused to entrust myself completely to her.
I can't live like this, I can't even survive like this. The whirlpool may be strong, but no matter how long the currents stay in motion, keeping me afloat, they will eventually suck me down into the depths, and I will drown unless I ask to be saved.
Am I "turning over a new leaf"? No, it is not so simple as a mere flipping over. I have no idea how to be completely open with someone, I don't even know where to start. So I am asking you, my friends, take me by the hand, or by the 'scruff' of the neck if necessary, and bring me to where I need to be. I beg you, please, I can't survive on my own
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| This is officially my last post form Oregon, the next time you hear from me I will be back home. Anyway, I am packing up all my stuff tomorrow and taking care of all last minute business so I am ready to go, and I can't wait. There better be snow back home, 'cause I got none back here. Anyway, can't wait to see you all.
Strength & Honor,
Abel
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