RUMORS:
Josh Paszamant died today on an overdose of falling in love with random different girls. The funeral will be held after his dead corpse finishes arguing with his parents about whether or not he should be allowed to cuddle with girls.
In related news, Christina Copsey died today after hearing that her boyfriend cheated on her with the above mentioned man, Josh Paszamant.Christina's last words were "Peace, man". Her boyfriend, Charles, told us he has decided to have her buried in her favorite tie-dye shirt with a peace sign on the coffin and a hand-rolled joint in her mouth. Charles then painted his entire body black and bought some more shoes. Upon leaving the mall, Charles was arrested and given a death penalty sentence for spitting in public. He was pardoned, however, when the black paint came off in the shower.
MJ's penis exploded today after getting too big for his skin to handle. Found inside was a large black Cuisine-Art toaster belonging to Jack Groshen. This occured while MJ was flirting with a certain Dumbass King Aaron Schaff the First.
At approximately 4 pm, Ana Cabrera went missing. Actually, her parents used the term "misplaced". Mr and Mrs Cabrera looked all over the house for her. It turns out Ana was on her cell phone sitting cross-legged in the mailbox talking to one of her friends for several hours. Unfortunately, upon exiting the mailbox, she slipped and fell into a hole in the ground. After the incident, Ana remarked "it was a long way down from the mailbox... i couldn't see the hole". Then Ana giggled and the entire planet went "AWWWW" in unison.
Breaking News:
Hannah Dembowski arrested for adjusting her bra in public. | 
