Do you ever feel like your life is on "repeat"?
Everyday is the same for me:
Wake up.
Tell myself i wont eat today.
Go to work.
Eat.
Get upset.
Come home and eat some more.
Then, tell myself i will do better tomorrow.

Tomorrow may never come.
I could die anyday now, and when that happens and my life flashes before my eyes i want to be proud.
I dont want to look and see things i could have done better, or differently. something has to change.
This HAS to stop.

I weighed myself about 30 minutes ago and broke down.
I have managed to get up to 136.5. Why? How could i do this to myself.
Yeah..i had a lot of calories today the scale might be down a little bit tomorrow.
But, even after i eat all day i want to see 125.
Prom is on the 5th, and i am still in the 130s.
I say for months i will be down..and im not. I need this.
I need to be able to walk into prom with all of those people i dont know and all the girls be envious and all the guys wish they had me.

Cleanse diet untill the 5th.
My mom said she'll help me keep on track, she knows how bad i want this.
I have carried this all my life, and its time to make it stop.
Im sure i will always worry about how i look...but who doesnt? i just want to be happy.

Sometimes..i think that is way to much to ask.

I think im gonna go get a shower..maybe take some new pictures, and re do my myspace. Not like i have a life anyways.

 once again, long time no update.

A lot has been goin on. To make a long story short : I was stupid and cut my wrists because of paul, not knowing that 5 hours later we would be back together. Im fine now. I've been partying a lot. And well, im still huge a little over a week before prom. yesss amy!

Tomorrow there is a new plan. Im doin this thing that should help me loose about 10 pounds by prom..if im actually strong enough. I need to get my willpower back. I have no idea what i weigh..its probably 134 or more.

pictures from the last party, there was about 40 people there. these only have a few of us in them::::

Sam, Ashley&&Me.

 
Yeah, let me tell ya about JR!

 
Sam being a douche with her eyes closed..and me.

Just a few of us.

Crazy kids.

JR and Daryl.

So, thats only some of them.

but, anyways. Im goin, i'll let you know how the weighloss goes.

Sorry it's been so long.. ive just had a lot on my mind.

i went and tried on my prom dress the other day..
lets just say i need some work.
I dont even know if im going anymore.

 Me and paul broke up the other day...i wanted to. I wanted to live my teenage years, not be tied down..and just have fun. Then, lastnight i called him to hear him say " i dont want to talk, we broke up for a reason" i started crying. When we got off i said i love you and my heart stopped when he said "i dont want to say it back, i dont want to lie to you" It just about killed me. It took me to hear things like that to realize how much he means to me..and how bad it hurts. You think it wouldnt hurt so bad the second time around..since Tj told me he didnt think he ever loved me..but it hurts just as bad. You dont just fall out of love damnit. I couldnt sleep lastnight. I layed in his sweatshirt and cuddled the stuffed animal he gave me and cried my eyes out. I went into a panic attack and dont remember much after that. i woke up with scratches on my arm. I didnt cut, i must have just scratched it raw with my nails. I have felt sick and depressed all day. I tried to eat, but couldnt keep it down. I texted his cousin today so i could have someone to talk to..he said this whole situation really changed him..and he isnt the same anymore. I know why, its my fault.I made him miserable the last 2 weeks or so. He told me that maybe hes trying to convince himself that he doesnt love me so it doesnt hurt so bad.

I feel like shutting everyone out, quitting my job, not eating...just locking myself in my room and chain-smoke my life away.

I always fuck up, always.

I cant manage to keep a great boyfriend. And i cant seem to loose this last 15 pounds.

I just with i could wake up and that this would all be a nightmare.

update tonight =]

 So i dont have much to say. Prom is in a little over a month and i need to stop fucking around and get everything together.

i thought it was cool that you could see my reflection. otherwise, a bad picture of me.

4 of the 17 pictures i took today.
yeah, i get bored.

im afriad to think that i will never be good enough. i will never be happy. i will always be fat.

scratch that.
I'm terrified.