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AdamSesslerFangirl
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read my profile
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Name: Jordan
Country: United States
State: Texas
Metro: Dallas
Birthday: 3/2/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: Anime, Manga, COSPLAY, eating, sleeping, COSPLAY, anything japanese, different languages, video games
Expertise: cosplay, I'm obsessed with it, and I have my own commissioning site; singing, memorizing lyrics, useless knowledge, DDR, writing
Occupation: Other
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  TheCosplayJunkie
MSN: geneybabe_luvr@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  aishaclan_clan@yahoo.com
Member Since:
12/20/2004
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| Stay StrongI think I'll just disappear from everyone's sight for a while...
It'll give me time to think... | | |
| Wake Up...Wake up, I tell myself. Snap out of these delusions that you seem to conjure at every waking moment.
I blink myself into consciousness.
You don't love him.
I blink in disbelief this time. I believe I am lying to myself.
You're in denial.
But I'm not. I do love him.
You did love him.
But I love him now.
Would you die for him?
I remain silent.
Would you live for him?
I remain motionless.
Would you honestly do anything for him? Give up your dreams? Throw away your future? Dismiss your personal feelings of self-motivation all to support him?
I am slack-jawed, but no words spill from my lips.
You wouldn't.
But I would.
No. You're too selfish, too determined, too ambitious, to love him anymore. You did once, back when you believed the world revolved around him. Once he showed you the darker bit to himself, however, you quickly sized up your options. You can't love him, not the way he wants you to.
I want to give him the world.
As true as that is, your reasoning behind it is unfounded. You want to give him the world to be able to say that you gave him the world. You want to prove to the world that you love a man whom you no longer love.
But he means everything to me.
If he did, would you honestly be having this conversation with yourself? You've seen him at his worst. The names he's called you, the things he's said to you, the ideas he's made up about you. And when you love, you don't do those things.
But...
And when you love, you love even when he does those things. But you don't.
I do.
Are you saying that even when you argue with him he manages to make you smile? As true as that it, when he says hurtful things, you're more inclined to cry.
He doesn't mean what he says.
Then why does he say them at all? The saying may be that you hurt the ones you love, but you don't do it on purpose. He says those things to be mean, spiteful, and downright vicious. Does he really love you?
I love him!
But you don't! You only think that you love him because you loved him once.
But I...
Would you cry if he died? If he were to drop dead at this very second, would you cry your eyes until you were unable to do much else? Or would you wallow in self-pity for a mere year before realizing that life isn't so bad and that you're strong enough to overcome anything? Would you think that you don't need him to be happy?
Merely silence.
You're too strong for him. Perhaps too strong for anyone; it's your blessing and curse. You used to need him. You used to pine. You used to be so utterly heads over heels that you would rather die than miss a phone call from him.
I think my inner voice is pausing for effect.
But that's not how you are now. You're in a depressive slump because you know that you will never be able to love him again. Yet you continue to pain yourself into thinking that you love him, so you continue to be with him.
I'm with him because I love him.
You're with him because you're too weak to let him go, yet too strong to be happy in keeping him.
I sigh.
End it.
I won't.
Why? Because he loves you? Why lead him on? You don't love him, not romantically anyways, at least, not anymore. It doesn't help that you have commitment issues...
Issues? Who said I had commitment issues?
You know that you are too headstrong and youthful for the commitment that he's proposing! Marriage at your age? That's absurd, and you know it.
...
You can't be tied down to anyone at your age! You're about to go off to college! You'll be so deep into your studies and concentrating so hard on your work, that you'd be unable to properly give him the rightful attention he deserves! Face it, you don't love him enough to work around that! You won't give up your future for him because you don't believe that your future is with him! You're perfectly content spending the rest of your days as a single, ambitious, woman who happiness is derived from her success. You don't need him to make you happy; you just need yourself and some ambition. That's what drives you into joy to begin with, not his stares nor his hugs nor his kisses. You're happiest when you're alone striving for your own personal goals. You don't need lapdogs or cheerleaders or guys. You never have. That's why so many of your relationships have been straight rebounds. To keep you in a consistent flow of things so as to let in any flux to your plans. You don't love him, Jordan, so don't lead him on.
It seems I know me better than I think I do.
I sigh.
I know what I need to do. | | |
| When Life is But a DreamSo, how's your life going?
I know that a lot of my blog posts and even some face-to-face rants have been negative, but my life is far from those.
I seldom frown nowadays.
I seldom have a moment in which I just feel depressed.
And now that I know where I stand on certain people (i.e. Chris, Tiffany, Angel, Nick) my life is going perfectly smoothly.
That's not to say it's entirely my doing.
Sure, I made the decision to pretty much cut everyone off and not have any true friends.
But, there's an even better reason.
I woke up this morning, a giant grin on my face.
I arrived to school and sat down in front of my usual group.
"Jordan, you're never this chipper in the morning."
I laughed a bit. "I'm so happy, I believe I'll be signing Marriage papers on my 18th birthday."
Blank stares and blinks follow.
"I'm just, well, happy!"
More stares.
I shake my head, thinking to myself all the while, 'When was the last time I was truly happy?'
I
couldn't rightly remember. It kind of hit close to home the fact that
Chris and I really hadn't been truly happy in our last few months.
Sure, we had had moments of peace and fun and maybe some temporary
contentment, but true happiness? I hadn't realized what that honestly
was until recently.
Until I found him.
Everyone's noticed
the change. My mother, bless her soul, actually works with me so that I
can see him. Hell, she's even been working to ensure that my
grandparents don't give me a hard time.
My grandfather likes
him. He questioned him (before anyone knew we were dating) after I told
him about "The Falling Out" and raised no objections.
My
grandmother, well, I'm not after her blessings. After Nick's
shennanigans, she went to my mother with complaints, who promptly
replied back in defense of Christian.
Life for me is but a dream, one that's going to continue on for the rest of my life.
Everything lately's just been good.
I mean, Christian is perfect.
I'm going to State Competition in Animation Technology.
I get my license soon.
I'm going to Anime Expo.
My car will be down here soon.
I'm getting a raise.
I've gotten a very high-end job offer.
And commissioning, while time-consuming, is taking off for me!
Oh, and I got a panel at Anime Matsuri.
So tell my, why shouldn't I be signing Marriage papers on my 18th birthday, nee?
There's no utter reason not to. Life is much to perfect. | | |
| Take NoteWord to the wise: I bite.
Next order of business: I cover my bases and keep things under my thumb.
Finally: Incur my wrath, and prepare for payback.
And remember: Payback's a bitch.
I'd also like to thank Angel. Honestly, she's the only one of the three who had enough sense to stay away and leave me be.
Nick, well, his stupid ass called my grandmother and went on a self-righteous tirade that was quickly put to rest when I showed some legitimate proof of what happened on Sunday night. (Don't know what, well, I ain't saying; it's a legal trump card if you will)
Chris, well, Chris is a whiny, emo, hormonal, ex-stalker. That about covers that.
He could've been a good person, but he picked a fight with the wrong girl.
Not to mention, I don't owe anyone the truth.
To sum it up: Don't fuck with me. Just leave me alone. I don't instigate, I just react. Honestly, I even called Tiff and we talked for a long time the other day. I can forgive, I just can't forget. And I sure as hell don't let others forget either.
Thank you and good night. | | |
| What Goes Up...I've been so happy lately, that when I took myself away from everything, if just for a split second, I found myself in near tears...
There are things I don't miss...
I don't miss Angel...
I don't miss Chris...
And then there are things that I do miss...
Like Tiffany
I miss hanging out with her after J-Club. I miss staying up all night playing DDR and eating popcorn and drinking sodas (though I don't drink them anymore) while gossipping. I miss staying up the night before a convention cramming in last minute costumes. I miss just sitting in my messy room (now permanently clean, thanks to five good trash bags and me letting go of my Packrat syndrome) and talking with her. I miss chatting with her on AIM/Yahoo and sharing crazy movies on YouTube.
*sighs*
I can live without Angel two-faced self, and I can live without Chris' hypocrisy/criticism, but Tiff's spunky, perky demeanor? Well, she's pulled me out of jams before, not to mention the girl gave me a helluva lesson in patience. I owe her a lot, even if it sometimes feels like she's the one who abandoned me.
I tried calling her earlier, but got her voicemail.
I didn't have the heart/sanity to leave a message.
Even though I miss the friendship, I'm shying away from the idea of it at the moment. But I want to make ammends in the least.
Nostalgia is such a horrible thing, especially when one has come out of denial to realize that there are things that she does indeed regret.
She was my best friend for two years and the one horrendous cacophony that was "The Falling Out," that was shattered. So, yeah, I'm feeling guilty.
She was there when my grandmother and got into fights. She was there when Chris and I hit rough times. She stood by me.
So, in spite of my liberation, there are still a few things I feel the need to change.
*toasts glass of Sparkling Cider* Here's to the rest of my life. Bottoms up.
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