YAY FOR YOUTH GROUP!!!! oh MY gosh, tonight was so wonderful. I have missed everyone from my diocese soooo much... and tonight I got to see at least a few of them. Mom and Dad, Matt, Chris, Emily, Drew, Andrew.... etc.

oh wait. you know what i realized, just now? i'm being stupid. Goodbye Xanga. maybe i'll make a diff site for certain people or something, but i'm done w/ this. Good God, i didnt want people in my business last year, and just because this year is better doesnt mean i want them in it now. Silly me! ok so yes. goodnight, goodbye, all of that. if i want you to have my other site, i'll tell you. don't ask, if you do i probably won't give it to you. if i even make one. not to be rude or anything... ok shut up, ash. byeeee

And then I re-read the entry that I'm leaving up, and realize that I still have retaliated... the only big difference between that and the one I deleted is that the one that's up is edited. *sigh* And now Isaac IM's me and says "can we talk". Go Figure. Says he doesn't know what happened while he was gone, but he's assuming Lisa and I got into a big fight. Ross asked me about pretty much the same thing last night. And I love how had I not read her xanga,  I would have absolutely NO idea what either of them were talking about. Is that what fights are now? Writing an entry in your on-line journal? I'm so confused guys... but whatever.

If I say that I don't care, would you hate me? If I say that I don't think I'm completely wrong, because I know that I am to an extent, would you despise me? Is it horrible of me to be hurt when I am, once again, having a conflict with one of my "best friends"? And, going off of that, is it horrible of me to just give up and stop trying to be her friend? Honestly, I feel like the only way she would ever be happy with me is if I am an indifferent, remote doll that has a vocabulary of a three year old and no thoughts whatsoever. Because this is at least the second time that I've tried to say something to let her know that I love her and it has been twisted around. Do I just always say the wrong thing? Do I not think before I speak or something? Because I've never seen it coming. I NEVER see it coming.... am I stupid and oblivious? What is wrong with me, that I can't seem to keep friends?

WHY DO I CARE WHAT SHE THINKS AND SAYS ABOUT ME???

Why do I let it affect (effect?) me so much? Why do I keep trying to be her friend, why do I keep trying to talk to her and tell her that I love her and I'm here for her and that all  I want is for her to understand and to love me and be my friend and be accepted as a person who is going to make mistakes? Oh wait. I know why. Because I am Scared. I'm scared that if I stop trying, if I stop putting everything I can into fixing this and loving her, then I'll lose the friends that I love so much. That they'll think I'm inconsiderate and selfish, or that she'll talk to them and make them hate me as much as she seems to. Yes, I'm afraid of that. Because  I do not want to lose the friends that I have now, I love them like I love life. But her personality is so overpowering, she comes in a room and takes it all up, and when she doesn't like me it's as though I'm a fly on the wall. She won't make much of an attempt to include me, but she will shower love on all of her other friends, which is wonderful (not meant sarcastically). The only thing is, all of her other friends are pretty much my close friends too. And if I try to be included, I feel so left out..... and I'm so afraid of that. I hate it so much, because if I leave and talk to my other friends, then the ones I've left feel like I've abandoned them. Yet if I stay... I say nothing, and I sit there... like a doll. And now, even though only three people are going to read this, I'm still afraid to submit it. Because I don't want to offend yet another person. I don't want to say the wrong thing again... and I never know if I am or not. So... if I have offended any of you, please try to love me anyway and know that I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to..

I typed up an entry last night that I deleted just a second ago. Because I realized that as upset or mad or hurt as I was, I know I don't wanna bend to that level. I think that most of the reason I felt like that was because of myself... that I let her get to me and make me feel like shit and even question myself a bit. But I will NOT let her tell me whether I am a whole person or not. She doesn't have that right or that power, and I almost let her do it. No, I did let her do it because I really did type that entry and submit it. If either of you three (Alli, Christine, Ben) actually read it... well, I'm sorry. For one of the first times in my life I let my emotions get into my head and past my rationale, and I yelled at myself for it last night. I felt bad that I said stuff, or got it out in that way. It wasn't necessary, and now that I'm thinking straight again, I regret it. So the entry is gone. And I'm gonna put this in its place.....

You tell me to learn to be an individual. Screw that, I think I know how. And then you say that I am .5 of a person, call me flat out stupid and go so far as to use an example such as my inability to add .5 and .1, then go off on how I'VE hurt YOU? Right. Yeah I'm sorry you're relationship was shit for you, if that's what it was. That's not what I saw, but I'm not you so I have no right to say otherwise. If I wanted your advice, I would have asked for it. If I thought I was in need of desperate help, I would have said something. Or maybe not, because you wouldn't be someone I'd want to say anything to. And if you are offended by me hugging you, saying that I love you, that I love you for being strong and for talking to me and telling me this and looking out for me and caring, and that all I ask for is your support in making my own decisions, knowing that I can talk to you if I need to, then maybe you need to get your priorities straightened. You call me a princess, fine. I know that my life is great, I know that I have a wonderful family and wonderful friends, and I thank God for it at least once a day. But somehow I don't think that's what you meant... you want a "princess", try looking in the mirror. I watch how you treat the friends you "love dearly" and know that I never want to be like that. It disgusts me how you can treat them as though the world revolves around them one second, but as soon as someone else comes along it's as though they are dead. Or you do something so spiteful, right to their face, as though you're intending to hurt them.... Ok, I KNOW that I don't deserve my friends. God knows I have put Alli through enough shit to "choke a goat" (haha, yay our mommies, lol) and yet she's still here. I won't pretend that I deserve what my friends give me, I won't say that they should love me... but they do. And THAT is what makes me whole. Yes, my relationship is wonderful. It has turned my life around in ways I couldn't have imagined, and I never want to lose this feeling. But friendship is more important to me. The friendship part of my relationship is what I value above all else... and the fact that my true best friend in the utmost entire world has stayed by me no matter what I've done to her. So I really don't care what you think or say. I am mad that I let it affect me so much. Because I have other friends. And if everyone here were to turn on me for some reason, I have God and I have my diocese and my church. I have everything that I need, without you. But most of all, I have a best friend. And I know that I've tried thousands of times to tell her how much she means to me, but I can't. This year especially, she gives me this feeling that I can't explain... of love and gratitude and the most amazing and special friendship I have ever had in my life. You say what you want about me, do what you want to me, but don't EVER hurt her again. If you love her dearly, then love her dearly. If you do hurt her, you had better apologize. She deserves the world, and for some reason you are one of the people who can most give it to her. Keep that in mind. That is ALL that I have to say to you.

Alli.... really, I can't even tell you....

Thank you guys so much, and I really am sorry. I know that I mess up and I know I neglect people. Please know that I don't mean to. You're my world...

Shit. Sometimes I should just stay off line. I swear................ damn. damn damn damn. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????

Alli, I love you. I love you I love you I love you and I love you some more. If only I could be like Sam and wave a wand and make things perfect for you. But I love you, and I will hold you forever and ever if you want me to. You are for serious my bestest friend, thank you for your understanding and sticking by me and loving me too!

MWA!

Love and luck to Lains, I want the best for you...