I miss John.  I still think about him everyday and I always wander how he's doing.  What I find most interesting is how much I do miss him. Yet I never get the courage to pick up the phone to call him.  I think cause I know he will not answer.  I've thought about writing an e mail to him even though I dont' expect a response back.  I wish I was one of those people who don't need closure.  Still hard for me to fathom someone I love deeply and thought the world of is out of my life.  But this is good knowing him and I would not have a relationship together.  I would still be on the side and always a third wheel and never satisfied.  I love you John.  I hope someday we can overcome this. 

I spoke with my friend Patrick today on the phone.  Was good to hear his bubbly optomistic voice.  He could tell in my voice I wasn't happy.  We started talking about the rough times I've had in San Diego.  He told me he didn't know what to tell me.  My response to him was that just him talking to me and communicate was all I needed.  I didn't need sympathy or someone to tell me everything was going to be alright.  I just needed to know I have freinds and family out there.  Less alone I feel in the world the better I will be.