Aia_Dracionis's Xanga

The weblog is dead

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 18:34:14 GMT

LONG LIVE THE WEBLOG!

Henceforth this site exists only for the sake of referencing memories. There will likely be no new posts. Ever. Goodbye.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 17:57:12 GMT

As many of you know, I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. Everything went fine and I've got almost no swelling and no bruising at all. Turns out that, as usual, I was scared for nothing. The worst part was waiting in the office and my lower lip being numb for the whole day. Not to mention I had to keep my face iced all day as well. I just sat around, watched movies and ate ice cream. The way it's going, I'm hoping to be almost back to normal by tomorrow.

Also, I wanted to thank Megan, Kiki, Rick, Brett, Jarred, Susan, Amanda T. And everyone else who encouraged me. I really appreciate it.

Anyways, Rachel got back from SanFrancisco last night. She was visiting my dad and seems to have had a wonderful time. The next trip's mine though, so I'm waiting for a long weekend before I go. I'm so excited!

Feliz dia San Valentin! (grammar? I think not!)

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 03:25:17 GMT

I had the most AMAZING Valentine's Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, although I realize that the holiday is simply commercial exploitation of relationships or, as so many called it, "Hallmark Day", and although I absolutely loathe the color scheme, my day was truly phenomenal.

SPEED POST!!!!!!!!!

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 23:39:51 GMT

WHOOSH! there it goes----------------------------------------------------> O.o

The Holidays

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 23:16:47 GMT

Christmas break has actually been quite nice this year for the most part. I didn't argue with my relatives on my Mom's side Christmas Eve and I sat through Christmas Day with my Dad's side of the family, in the cavelike and silent darkness of their living room for over eight hours, with little complaint. I got nearly everything I wanted including an iPod stereo to replace my old stereo with a burned out speaker, a lot of manga, a few books and all of the Nightwish albums that I know of. I also recieved a truly embarrassing sum of money from my dad.

The week after Christmas was pretty good but is somewhat blurry in my mind. Honestly, the most I really remember was going on seemingly endless walks in Mountain Park and going to a Japanese steakhouse with Rick. I was planning on going to a New Year's Eve party of some sort, but was sprung upon at the last minute with the news that me, my stepdad, my mom and my sister would be going to Alabama for my stepdad's business meetings concerning the construction of our beach house on Dauphin Island. That's right. A beach house. I still don't get why the damned bank approved the loan for a beach house in another state when they won't approve the loan for our personal home right behind our current one. I don't even understand why we need a beach house in the first place. Truthfully, it's freaking me out. I'm afraid my parents might be spending money we don't have. That aside, the trip sucked. My sister had an allergic reaction to something we ate her and face looked truly awful. We spent most of our time inside our grimy, rented house on the side of the island most decimated by the recent hurricanes watching the History Channel or going on walks up and down the damaged beach. All of that wasn't bad. It was sometimes quite pleasant.

New Years Eve is really what spoiled the trip. We started off the evening at the most amazing Italian restaraunt I have ever had the opportunity to enjoy. Afterwards we went to the town square to watch the countdown. My sister started picking at my mom for really stupid little things like the way she was standing and tapping her foot and whatnot. I intervened by trying to explain to Rachel that we knew absolutely no one in the square and that nobody cared what our mom did. She responded by aiming her attack at me. To my horror, my mom began to encourage her and said things like, "Oh come on! Is that the worst you can do?" Rachel was absolutely relentless and I tried to ignore her, but what she was saying was so awful (she's a master at making me feel absolutely worthless) that I lost control and attacked her. It the brief fight that followed I ripped the pearl necklace off my sister's neck. It was my mom's. I felt so horrible aboute it and still do. I was so upset that I walked as far away from the square as possible, completely missing the ball drop and fireworks. I spent the first few minutes of 2007 crying on a park bench in the dark, trying not to notice the intoxicated college student s around me who seemed to be having a wonderful time. Needless to say, it was the worst New Year's I've yet experienced. Most of the rest of the trip was spent shuffling through furniture stores and antique malls, nearly crashing into a telephone pole when my mom was yelling at me to turn the car the wrong direction and general family tension and boredom.

It's gotten a bit better. I've spent this week relaxing. I went to the mall today and bought my mom some new pearls for her birthday to replace the ones I destroyed. I'm hoping to see Rick tomorrow and if not tomorrow then Monday. On Tuesday I'm to be back at the supervised boiler house known as Sequoyah High School. I'm brimming with eagerness >_<

Whoooooooooooo

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 21:55:41 GMT

I just got back from the doctor's office and surprise! They decided to take blood. Not just a finger prick mind you, but two large vials of the stuff. I've never had it done before and now I feel weak and woozy...... This week's been eventful, what with the NAHS party, the book club party and anime club tomorrow. I'm freaking out about finals next week. I probably need to be studying my ass off. Also, since my world history teacher's memory failed him once again and I never got a chance to present it, enjoy my persuasive essay:

Choosing Agnosticism

I am not Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish or Hindu. I do not belong to any cult, sect or organized belief system. I believe in the possibility of a god, gods or simply the existence of a higher consciousness, but not within a religious context. My belief can be described as agnosticism. My reasons for choosing this belief include the fallibility of man, the lack of sensible reasoning for a personal god, the failure of prayer, the ability of religion to cause personal conflict and the dangerous nature of religion

First in my argument against religion is the knowledge that mankind is fallible and, therefore religion, which, in all its many forms is a creation of man, is also fallible. The purpose of religion, at its core, rests in the all too human fear of the unknown. The truth of the matter is, people are afraid to die. We seek solace in the belief that, at the end of our lives we can look forward to eternity in bliss for the righteous and eternal damnation for the unrepentant sinners. We dupe ourselves into believing that creating Jihad and dying for our beliefs will earn us greater standing in heaven or that we will return after our deaths in different forms until we reach a state of perfection. The truth about any religion is that, really, it is just a system of beliefs set up by man to give man hope, something to live for and something to die for.

The second problem with religion is the concept of a personal god. This does not apply to all religions, but does to some degree in the major faiths of the world. The deities of many religions are beings which focus themselves entirely upon the needs of the earth. Almost all religions state that mankind is somehow special; chosen from a universe containing endless planets and solar systems, many most likely similar to our own and most likely possessing sentient life in of some sort. If this is true, it follows that many religions must be incorrect. If there is other sentient life elsewhere in the universe, why should we receive special treatment? Did Jesus die on every planet with intelligent life? Perhaps it is beyond our ability to grasp, but it seems unlikely that such a thing would be done. If there is a creative force behind our existence, it could be attributed to anything from a vast, omnipresent and omnipotent supernatural being who has always been and always will remain the same to other life forms on some other plane of reality with endless creativity and staggeringly, seemingly impossible size. What gives humans the right to assume that whatever is responsible for our creation cares for us intimately or, at best, as little more than ants in an ant farm? To such a being or beings we would be nameless, faceless and possibly amusing. Our attempts at understanding the supernatural and beliefs which serve only to keep us occupied and unafraid are truly pathetic and foolish. In so vast a universe, how could one group or belief system be right?

My third reason is simply that prayer doesn’t work. For example, if you were to pray right now for God to heal all cancer patients tonight, you would wake up tomorrow to find that nothing had changed. In a logical world run by an illogical supernatural deity, asking for disease and pain to end would be acceptable and accomplishable. Ridding the world of cancer would bring nothing but good to the world and yet God chooses not to do so. Sometimes we get what we ask for. A relative might recover from disease, we get a promotion in our job or we pass a seemingly hopeless class in school. This is not prayer being answered. This is the work of doctors, the whims of our bosses and our perseverance as students resulting in the very things we were asking for. There is no divine intervention. We accomplish tasks or achieve ends either by ourselves, from the generosity of others or by lucky chance. Those who are religious cheat themselves of the credit they often deserve and attribute their success to God, calling it and “answer to prayer”. When something goes wrong, however, a religious person will not see it as the lack of evidence for prayer, but simply take it as a negative answer or say that it was “all part of God’s plan”. If we want something, we should simply do it for ourselves or leave the situation in the hands of people more capable than we are, not go crawling to an invisible figure for help.

Fourth, the inability of the majority of the religious to respect and appreciate the differences of others is not astounding when one considers that the premise of several religions, most obviously, Christianity, is to convert others to their beliefs. They think they are helping people by ministering to them and, in some cases, they are. Belief can be powerful enough to make a person quit unhealthy habits, give up their job to go help less fortunate people and even change their entire outlook on life. It gives people hope. It can also make people condescending. Many families end up in wreckage due to differences in beliefs. Parents disown children, spouses separate and awkward gaps are formed, often never to be healed. Religion causes guilt and shame when its laws are broken and its ideals are not upheld. It causes misery for people who believe but are “living in sin”. Without it, there would be no cause for all of this dissent.

Finally, religion is dangerous. It is not the idea of God that makes it so; it is the zeal that comes when one believes they can’t be wrong or the drive to make all others believe as they do. More heinous acts have been performed in the name of God than for any other purpose in human history. Belief leads to disagreement and disagreement leads to conflict. Some Muslims seek to wipe out all inferior races in Jihad or convert them to Islam. They share their holy land with the Jewish people and, therefore, are at constant war over a small patch of land. The Catholic Church essentially enslaved the illiterate masses during the Dark Ages and Christians have burned alive those they viewed as heretics or proclaimed to be witches. If there is a god, and if that god is just, it would be disgusted by the acts perpetrated in its name.

In conclusion, life is simpler without religion. Its absence allows us to think for ourselves and not adhere to ancient, defunct moral codes. We can accomplish more by taking hold of a situation and not leaving it in the hands of a mysterious being. Without it there is less cause for conflict and persecution. My choice to distance myself from the values under which I was raised has made me a happier and more fulfilled individual. While I do not presume to understand the true nature of the creative force behind our existence, I am satisfied that I can live with the belief that I’m probably not right and, for that matter, nor is anyone else. Sometimes, I believe, it is better the ideas and philosophies of the past behind and try to live our lives to the fullest. If there is no heaven and no hell, there is only today, and not even that is guaranteed us. My goal is that, when I am gone, I will serve my immortality in the minds of those I leave behind.

Tis Friday....

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 20:59:16 GMT

Thus begins another uneventful weekend. I'm so tired that the screen's starting to hurt my eyes. I've barely been on ten minutes. I might go take a nap.........*lacks enthusiasm*

Banned...

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 23:49:04 GMT

From the internet. And the phone. Monday-Thursday. No Myspace of Gaia either, at all, because they were supposedly killing our computer (Myspace, I can understand, but Gaia? Come on.) No, I didn't do anything wrong and no, I'm not grounded. This imprisonment lasts FOREVER. Alas, it seems communication is now impossible and that I'm doomed to endless, aimless hours spent in my room alone. It's getting unbearable. They say it's because of my math grade. It's all because of my math grade. It's really painful for me because I work so hard and all that I get is more punishment and disappointment. What I wouldn't give for some credit and approval for the things I do right.

It's been an awful week and I'm at a loss as to what to do with myself and how to cope. I don't know what it is, but I seem to have been hit with a sudden wave of fear, apathy and despair. I can't help but feel that whatever the future holds, it's not worth waiting for. I just don't seem to have any goals or purpose. If I keep this up, my prospects are black and my life a waste. In the end, I'll just be another piece of meat, hopeless, empty and rotting from exposure. I'm practicing the fine art of self-sabatoge and, even though I know it's killing me, I don't know how to reverse the cycle. The only person I'm hurting is myself and oh, how it hurts!

Happy(ish?) Thanksgiving(s)!

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 21:56:53 GMT

Thus far I have had a grand total of six Thanksgivings. Six so far and another one at one of my very least favorite places tomorrow. The first two were by Rachel's request a couple of weeks ago and the rest were actually Thanksgiving. The two most memorable so far were dinner with hordes of homeless people at City of Refuge and yesterday, at my dad's parents' house with Rick, neither of which were too terribly eventful, minus the cat pissing on Rick's jacket. This particular holiday is rarely exciting so, comparatively, it's been a good one.

My main worry is (always) going to my mom's parents' house tomorrow night for dinner. They don't like us very much. Worse, they really don't like me. I suppose we could be called the proverbial "black sheep" of the family. The reason? We're the ones with all of the problems.

My oldest aunt is a cancer survivior, making her my grandmother's favorite. She's married to a spine surgeon, is drowning in her own profuse wealth and terrified that I might taint her children. The children Hal S. the (insert Roman numeral) and Elizabeth are spoiled rotten private school kids. They're nice enough, but they've been kept in a bubble and are entirely ignorant. At holidays, I usually end up letting some "innappropriate content" slip and the little brats tell their mother all about it. Therefore, Amanda=bad influence and therefore, Amanda's family is no longer allowed to come visit. I dare not speak to my cousins. Or perhaps I will. They'll hear it all anyways, if not from me then from some freak later on trying to sell them crack.

My other, youngest aunt is nine months pregnant with her first child and refused to allow me to come to her baby shower if I wore black. The irony: After going through the trouble to buy an appropriate outfit for the shower, I show up and over half of the women there are in black. Apparently, it's only a problem if it's me wearing it. Although it seems trival, I was deeply offended by my aunt's gesture and I'm going to find it difficult to be kind to her tomorrow night.

My grandmother.....A whole different species in my opinion. She's high on herself, her money, her country club...She's former Miss Alabama and a high society debutante. She dislikes my best friend only because she's half-black and dislikes me because I'm the only one willing to speak up around her. She has banned her own brother from her household and won't allow my stepdad's parents to come over at holidays. She's self centered, diet obsessed, shallow and mostly detestable. I tolerate her becuse she's the only way I ever get to go to Broadway plays (truly an awful reason I know but hey, she offers so I'm not going to turn her down.) I'm not going to filter my ideas for anyone, whether you're a private school bubblekid or a high society rich bitch. Honestly.......

I'm feeling somewhat vengeful at the moment. My mom was screwed over by two of her best friends a few days ago. This screwing over may result in the death of my mom's ministry, House of Hope, a recovery home for women beating a drug, sex or alcohol habit (or a combination of the three), which is basically her whole life. I'm about ready to go downtown and beat those assholes to within an inch of their lives....

Sorry about the rant. I've been alone all day and I'm bored and somewhat tired. The sad part about all of this is, despite the resentment I feel and the treatment I sometimes recieve, I love my family. Pretty sick, right? I'm somehow bound to these people and even though they might disapprove of me, I think the really do care. Sometimes I wish they didn't. Then I would be truly justified in my distaste for their company. I always feel like I owe them something and I hate that feeling passionately. We offend each other, but we still feel obligated to be courteous and kind when we get together. The real feeling comes out when we're apart and can't start any serious drama. All of the drama occurs outside of the holidays and rarely manages to seep in and truly spoil them, so I have some hope that tomorrow could be pleasant as long as I keep my mouth shut unless I'm stuffing it with turkey.

I'm going to see Casino Royale at 8:30... I do so hope it's better than the previous Bond films. I get tired of the cheesy gunfights and repeated, unprotected, random sex. Seriously, ever notice that even though they're running through a coal mine or whatever, Agent 007's girl-of-the-moment's hair, clothing and makeup remain consistently perfect? It irks me. If you're in a white dress with a perm and blue eyeshadow running around in a cave or a coal mine or whatever, doesn't it follow that you'd get a bit....filthy? I don't know, someone needs to call the director on that.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 23:50:26 GMT

I'm so glad we're out for break. So very, very glad. I was so tired on Friday that I couldn't remember the Spanish word for "hand". I did absolutely no work all day. Today I went to that Louvre exibit thing downtown. It was pretty cool, but so crowded that I had to push over a few old ladies to see much of the art. Twas fun.

Also, I highly recommend the book Choke by Chuck Palahniuk. Not for the squeamish or easily offended.