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AinsleesMommy
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Name: Marsha
Birthday: 7/2/1966
Gender: Female
Interests: Growing into my job as a mom and homemaker and now a homeschool teacher/facilitator/mom; reading just about anything; writing; gluten-free baking; the Orthodox Church; and barely, just barely learning to crochet!
Expertise: I have done a lot of living and not mastered any of it..........so no expert status!
Occupation: Writing (http://www.associated
Industry: Other
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Yahoo:  ainsleesmom
Member Since:
2/22/2005
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| Whew!So yesterday I went to my doctor's appointment and he doubled my dose of wellbutrin. Pretty much what I expected, I've been on a half dose for two years. He did say I wasn't "normal" LOL because few people get emotionally flat on wellbutrin and I did know that from my research, it's more common with the SSRIs and often Wellbutrin is given if a person IS going flat emotionally. And it worked well for me for a long time, it was my miracle drug, so I just think a half dose wasn't gonna cut it. How silly of me to have waited this long and to have gotten to the point I was. Right now, I'm on a five day ramp up at the usual dose (because I ran out and have been out for a few weeks) which of course didn't help matters any. I'm so stupid, I know better, but it's typical I guess to think it's all in your head and you can power through on your own...........I need to quit reading stupid self help book. Depression/anxiety mix runs in my family for generations back!
Last night was Ainslee's choir party. A church friend needed a ride and then a ride to the grocery after and I was feeling so horrible that it felt good to do something for someone that involved just sitting in the van LOL if you know what I mean. I was so tense and yet depressed at the same time. Gah!!
And get this: I didn't get to bed until like 11:30 and then it took a few minutes to get to sleep and then Riley woke at 2. We tried for an hour in her bed to go back to sleep and give her cred, she is so sweet and did try hard to go to sleep. Then she wanted to eat, so at 3, we got up and sat on the couch and she ate ham and a granola bar. At 4, I gave in and started a video for her and made myself some coffee. By 6, she was sleepy and I just put her back to bed.
Between my sinus med with pseudoepehdrine that I took two of yesterday because I can't stop sniffling and hacking and my throat is sore, and my first dose of wellbutrin and a pot of coffee already and the missed sleep, I am liable to have some mild mania today. Which is so helpful because I will be able perhaps to catch up on some things and that will help my overall mood, too. But unlike 20 years ago, I'll crash by this evening, this mania won't last for several days like it used to, I've burnt it out, I guess.
Oh and whoever reads this, I am so sorry for the whiney post. I mean, I knew it was whiney at the time, but geesh! I really appreciate everyone who took the time to post and reassure me, though. It was just a culmination of things, not least of which was ahem, the big D word I've been avoiding for awhile.
And speaking of Riley's potty using, not that we were of course, it's annoying! Ainslee didn't go frequently, I never worried, she'd hold it until we got home and I put a pullup on her if she felt like wearing panties before she started using the potty. Riley pees in tiny dribbles like ALL THE TIME. We have TONS of successes throughout the day, we also have mounds of laundry: panties, clothes, towels from wiping up, peed on pillows, rugs, and so on ad nauseum! I am just not used to this, and frankly now I remember why I was reluctant to train Ainslee because of all the hassle, diapers are EASIER people! Not, of course, that this panty-wearing, toilet-using thing was my idea with Riley either. And there was my little vent for the day.
I just finished listening to the first half of Great Courses series "Great Figures of the New Testament" by Ann Jill-Levine. I enjoyed though I am not sure I learned anything new. I am surprised however to find that she and apparently her colleagues look at the Bible archetypally (sp?) as well. I just thought that was the Orthodox Church or something. At least I'm familiar with it and with the concept that the Gospels are literally that "good news", not historical documents and so on. But anyway, I also found Bart D. Ehrman's "Beyond the New Testament: Early Church Fathers" and will start on that while waiting on the second half of Dr. Levine's series to come to my library.
I get a lot of crocheting done because I like these courses, too, so it's a bonus! | | |
| Prepare for WineActually, that's whine, but I wanted to lure you in first.
Just kidding, I am just feeling slightly ignored. Maybe I deserve it, maybe something is wrong with me that everyone can see but me, I don't know.
Wanna hear them all? On a message board I frequent, someone who for the 200th time says that "no one likes me" gets 2 or 3 pages of reassurances for like I said the 200th time. I, on the other hand, can ask what I feel is a real question related to homeschooling or Ainslee jumping like a freaking banshee (almost tic like) in a store, and what alternatives can I give her, and I get.......................nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Oh did I mention, nothing?
My blog is also apparently horribly boring, since even the cutest pictures EVER garner a few reponses (and I am TERRIBLY grateful for them, thank you all so much).
I agreed to be part of the steering team at MOPS and I thought I was doing publicity and they announced last night that someone else is doing publicity and I was mentioned but with no task.
OK, even to myself now I am sounding whiney.
So, to the MOPS banquet. It was fun. I loved seeing all the tables decorated, and now my anxiety is much lessened. In other words, I feel like I could actually hostess or co-hostess a table. I sat at the backyard one, and they had those pretty brightly colored plates and glasses and plastic spoons and fork, but real coffee mugs, thank goodness. I am glad I didn't sit at the table with Spode china and crystal, though it was lovely to look at. Though if I was interested in exacerbating my social anxiety, I could just think that they purposely sat me there because they knew I wouldn't "fit" at the Spode table LOL.
Two lovely young ladies from our contemporary worship music played as our "entertainment" and they did such a good job!
Riley and I are in our local newspaper. When we were doing the exercise class, a newspaper photographer came and took pics, etc. Well, Riley (wearing her green Easter hat, a matching green shirt, and a pink and white checked skirt) is pictured sitting on a tricycle, reading a book, and fortunately I am WAY in the background, and barely mentioned. Ainslee is also in a far, far corner, but you'd really have to use your magnifying glass to see her. It is an adorable picture of Riley, too!
Ainslee and I finally made it to the cognitive co-op. I had forgot to ask my neighbor to watch Riley until that morning and I left her a message and she didn't get back with me so we took Riley. I would have preferred not to, since they are a VERY quiet class because the teacher's son apparently has some "special issues" and one of them is an extreme sensitivity to sound. So. the class was quiet. And much like a Montessori class, all of the games and activities have specific and multi-functional goals. The students can choose and change what they are working on as long as they are working on "something."
This could go either way with Ainslee, who doesn't like being told what to do but also has a hard time sticking with anything. She rejected two or three of the activities that were "suggested" by the teacher to do with her friend, and they ended up coloring and drawing. Which was fine, and I really don't care if she draws and colors, she does it all day long here all of a sudden, but I just noticed that she tended to get very distracted.
The problem is they are making the class be 5 hours next year at a new location and the price goes from $50 to $80 a month. That was just enough to make me stop and think about my goals. I almost asked the teacher if I could get a discount if they didn't teach her anything. See, here's what I want: I want to know in advance and something I can count on that on this day for these hours I can drop my kid off and not worry about her and know she will be safe, loved, and have fun. That's what I want. I could care less if she learned math, or reading, or anything else, that's what the other four days are for IMO. I do not want to trade off with another mom. That involves too much planning, backing out at the last minute, and requires me to make a "friend". I just want to have a safe place to take her where I am not in charge of her one day a week.
I'm having a tough time transitioning out of preschool mindset apparently. I also know it's spring, and that's when I am most desperate and feeling most like "I can't do this one more year". It's okay. She has VBS almost all next month and then one day a week summer school in July and by then, I'll wonder why I ever wanted to have her gone. It will be okay. Deep breath, pray. Repeat. But I do not feel it's a wise use of our resources. For that amount of money, we could have a family membership at the Y, which would have a more overall use. But, but, but my selfish self is going to miss the days off. Having Riley at school is not like having Ainslee at school. Riley is just herself, Ainslee wants,expects and demands something "special" and most especially when I am the least willing. It doesn't help that the elementary school down the road is FREE! LOL Can I just send her a day or two a week?
Suggestions welcome and requested, by the way.
Also, I do have an appointment with my general doctor about my meds. I just can't do Wellbutrin anymore. It's too boring. I function but I just function, there is no sparkle, no color. Off of it, I sparkle but can't function LOL. Actually I bounce from sparkle to whining to despair pretty much all day long interespersed with bouts of unbearable tension. I'm tired of my jaw and shoulders hurting, too. I mean, I could do wellubutrin, it feels good for a little bit, and it's probably better than this. Anyway, I'm gong to ask for Effexor. It's more efficient for anxiety which is how my depression manifests itself. It works well for my sister whose symptoms are VERY similar to mine. And another person on a message board who has symptoms almost exactly like mine swears by it and says Wellbutrin "flatlines" her as well. So we'll see. My sister says if it works for you, it's good. Wellbutrin that worked so well for me for so long actually made her gain weight and get more depressedw hich is kind of the opposite it did for me. I've heard both weight gain and loss on Effexor. I would prefer neither actually LOL. I might just need an increase in dosage on the Wellbutrin since it "worked" for me fora long time and now it only takes me so far, and leaves me plateued.
That's more than you all every watned to know, I'm sure. My plans are to make a dress for Riley today, supervise Ainslee's school and that's about it! Yay!!
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| Mother's DayI had a horrendously long entry typed out, and got some error and Internet Explorer had to close and of course it took with it my horribly long entry, complete with pics and what book I'm reading.
I do not have the heart to recreate it all again, so here are the pics:
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| AgainIt's a beautiful sunny day and I am sitting at the computer while my kids entertain themselves. I do feel better though as I started this morning out with the jittery, twitchy feeling and the pain in the back of my neck that means I really really need to get my antidepressant issues taken care of. I just keep putting off a doctor appointment.
I am so thankful to my kids though that are so sweet. They are playing for the most part pretty well together. I am being horribly permissive and letting them have cookies, change their clothes 1000 times and watch TV at will, but we are all functioning. Sort of.
Yesterday, I sat here until 1:00, gave Ainslee the computer so I HAD to get off, told her she didn't have to do school but could play on PBS or something and got busy. I cleaned the house, switched the bedding to summer bedding on our big bed including the dust ruffle thingie that's such a pain in the butt, washed, dryed and stored the winter stuff, vacuumed, mopped the kitchen floor because when you leave kids to themselves they spill things, baked 6 dozen cookies for a bake sale, went to Hobby Lobby, the post office, the bank and the Dollar Tree, made a business phone call for dh, and fixed dinner. I so rock! It makes me feel good to accomplish something, and it made me feel good to NOT accomplish anything for a few hours, too.
I opted to not go to the "wrap party" last night, but to stay home (it gave me more time and American Idol was one LOL). Tonight, I will just go a little early to choir/Bible study and drop off my cookies at the sale table. So it will all work out.
I am taking Riley to the UT books and blooms tomorrow instead of the water park. I am babysitting again on Friday, and am taking them to the water park that day. I think she'll enjoy it and I will too (if I take a claritin first that is).
And I heard from the lady about Ainslee's co-oop. Unexpectedly, and suddenly, the center was closed for that day and they had to switch location at the last minute, but we are scheduled to visit there next Monday. I am excited because she also responded to one of my posts on our homeshcool email loop about handwriting saying #1, not to worry about it at 5 and #2, they are doing specific things to address tha tin the co-op and #3, she is VERY experienced at working with kids with sensory issues. Wow!!
God is good. Life isn't so bad. LOL Have a great day. | | |
| Since I'm Totally Wasting Time Anyway..I'll update here. Do you have days where you have a lot to do, so you just don't do it? LOL Because that's the day I'm having.
Yesterday was beautiful. I had Ainslee get her school done, then my neighbor came over to watch Riley while Ainslee and I were going to check out a cognitive skills co-op for her to attend next year. Well, we found what I thought was the appropriate recreational center only there was no one there at all. The center hours were posted and it should have been open at the very least. At any rate, there was no sign of a co-op. I've emailed the lady in charge and have yet to hear from her.
We got back, visited with the neighbor and had lunch,then went to meet a friend at the zoo. Friends are tough, they just are. I mean, these are Ainslee's friends moms and I kind of like them, but it's just hard sometimes. I won't go into it and I did enjoy it for the most part.
But wait, I'm forgetting the most important news! Riley woke up on Sunday and refused to wear a diaper to church. I don't really know why, but it became apparent that we weren't going to talk her into it. So I threw extra panties, outfits, a towel and a diaper in my bag. I figured I was teaching Sunday School, so I'd be right there. Well, she did great! She pottied even. So she's out of diapers except for night time. She has had a couple of accidents, one of them right after she woke up from sleeping on the couch. I should have taken her straight to the bathroom, but I didn't and disaster resulted. But that's not so bad.
Today, I need to make cookies for our bake sale for MOPS tomorrow night. Tonight we are supposed to have a wrap party at a member's house to package up our baked goods and so on. I'm making cake mix cookies, they sound yummy and they had better be LOL. I always try new recipes to give away just so I have more pressure on myself, you know? And we have some errands to run. And I need to finish a bag I'm making for Ri's Birth to K teacher. And then get started on Ainslee's teacher gifts. She "graduates" again LOL on the 20th.
So that is pretty much it for right now. | | |
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