Currently Listening The Politics of Dancing, Vol. 2 By Paul Van Dyk More Than a Life Away see related

When your rock is a rolling stone

A couple weeks ago I went to Hanover for a weekend of funness...and ended up getting more of a weekend of surrealism than anything else.  I mean, I had a good time all in all - I got to see Angela who I miss intensely.  I guess that happens when you live with someone for three years and then they go away suddenly...or what seemed like suddenly.  I also got a chance to hang out with my all-star gang: Jenaba, Erin, Isaac, Tiffany, Aastik, MRPP, Uschi, Brig, Lauren, and Benjamin.  It was amazing to see all of them...and yet terrifyingly different in so many ways.  Sitting in the ug with Miriam, Jenaba, and Benjamin seemed so normal and yet so very not.  I nearly cried when at a certain point Miriam put her arm around me and said, "God I miss having you around".  Angela and I went to the Ide and Eyeshadow "drag" event, but we didn't really know anyone so, while entertaining, it just got us to comtemplating.  So, to facilitate comptemplating as well as finally get some time to ourselves, we walked around campus.  It was a dark and cold night - like so many at Hanover were - and yet, with all the changes the new president is instigating, it was clear this was no longer our home.  It was a bit of a painful experience...momentarily alleviated by running into a couple making out when we were trying to see the Drew/Aubra memorial picnic table out at the point.  We spent a good deal of time at MCAT, of course, but even that has been rearranged...  We (Benjamin, Brigid, and I) went to L'ville on Sunday to go shopping, primarily for outfits for Benjamin and I to wear to a costume thing.  We had a good time - particularly watching Benjamin uncomforatably going to try clothing on in women's clothing stores.  And Brigid and I had a good talk about life...  This trip was just so different than those I made in the summer when there were no students, no classes going on and it was easy to pretend it was just like any other summer.  But this time, the fact that the world of Hanover has completely moved on was hard to ignore and caused a lot of thinking...

I know life is meant to be something of a rollercoaster, ups and downs, good and bad, all that cliche crap.  And I tend to be one that becomes bored and anxious when things become too monotonous...but, really, is it too much to ask for a *little* stability?  That weekend at Hanover, being home, this summer, and...well everything, has been causing me something of an identity crisis (I've been calling it an existential crisis because, whether it is one or not, I think it just sounds so much more profound ).  The problem is that my former community (part of which was a 'sisterhood' some of us kind of formed my last couple of terms at school that, perhaps, I miss most of all) and rocks upon whom I depended to help as sounding boards, sources of information, and just as consolers seem to have disappeared.  Most of it is that each of us is infinitely busy - its always been that way, masochists that we are - and most of the major figures of my life have been sure to touch base and say that's all it is, but that if ever I truly need something they'll be there...and they have been.  But there's a couple who have up to this point been my survival mainstays...they keep saying to talk to them, that they'll listen, they'll be there no matter what.  But when I finally voice those things that are slowly (or not so) eating away at my insides, its as though I sent the messages out into the voids of space.  When you're seriously doubting the decisions in certain aspects of daily life, one-sided converstations are far from comforting.  I worry about becoming needy or nagging - because I hate it when others do it to me - but certain questions and comments, in my humble opinion, simply merit a response...even if only it is to say 'breathe'.  So, here's the question of the day (or perhaps of my life...): what do you do when your rock turns out to be a rolling stone? 

Currently Listening Karma By Tarkan Kuzu Kuzu see related

Life has a funny way of being not so funny

Wow.  It has been an incredibly long time since I posted on here...  Comps?  Geez.  Since then, I've been to Turkey (freaking awesome!!!!), graduated (still can't believe it), moved home, got a job and started classes at IPFW among about a million other things.  But whilst procrastinating from studying for a midterm I thought I might as well post on here since my brain is in about a million places and, unfortunately for my studying, none of them concern Islam in Africa.  So much has happened since moving home and its been difficult to deal with.  And now, again, its the end of October and I'm still not ready for grad school applying.  I feel like with so many things in my life I'm moving backwards.  But I'm trying to remember what a good friend of mine recently said - "its not moving backwards exactly, just not forward.  You just have to take a deep breath - yes I know that may sound lame, but do it - and know that it will change eventually".  Of course, I'm paraphrasing his amazing eloquence, but the spirit's the same.  I think the largest obstacle has been not having my family of friends around, a built-in community like I had at HC.  Luckily, that bit of it is starting to change a little.  I've been able to reconnect with some of my FW loves like Leslie, Lexie, Sarah, and Blane, as well as making some new, very awesome friends through the Writing Center at IPFW.  So many things happen on basically a daily basis to shake my faith in myself, my decisions, etc that, were it not for these people, I wouldn't still be standing.

Today was an interesting day, a long day.  Tuesdays and Thursdays are the days I work all day at the Writing Center, except for my Islam class in the middle of the day.  It was busy as far as random goings on, but slow as far as actual students coming in.  Class was fairly boring - I love the prof, but so much of the material is review for me that I often find myself falling asleep.  However, he might be doing an Arabic independent study with me next term, so I'm incredibly excited about this.  I was also convinced by Samm (one of my totally awesome IPFW friends, an amazing find!) to join him and my mother in an internet course entitled "terrorism and tyranny".  Our plan is to go to Samm's every week to watch the DVD and discuss 'terrorism and tyranny' over wine and cheese .  I love this kid sooo much.  He's kind of my self-designated Babylon partner...although him giving me directions while drunk, perhaps not the best idea we've ever had...nor was driving the wrong way through an ATM lane...or was having gin near his laptop...but we always end up laughing so...

Anyway, I digress.  Basically so much has happened that I could never sum it up in a post.  And a lot of it I just don't know how to put into words yet...its all still processing.  Unfortunately a lot of it also seems to be things no one knows how to help me with...  But, I just have to keep trying to believe that things will start changing...eventually.

Currently Listening Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me - Music from the Motion Picture By Various Artists The Lucy Nation - Alright see related

There is life after comps...sort of

Well, comps are finally over.  We spent lots of time studying and worrying and, luckily, they ended up not being too horrendous.  Ironically enough, I think I'll get my best grade on economics and my weakest section was political science - wtf mate?  Eiriksson, bless him, put the questions on there that he knew ahead of time we knew well - the other two were one he knew we weren't going to study at all (which was our third choice on the comps) and one he had to basically work out for us.  So thank god for that - that section only took me like 15 minutes .  Buchman kept to his word (I had nightmares about whether he would or not) and put all three of my history questions on there so I got to write on the one (and only) question I'd studied and actually felt pretty good about once I'd figured out what the hell he was asking.  SJ and I got the 'Buchman' anthropology question that we wanted so (again with the irony) I felt like that was a actually a really strong essay - and I worked in U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East and the Iraq War so I know Buchman will appreciate that even if Kpo doesn't.  Finally was political science where we basically were stuck - Yoon put the one question we didn't study at all and the one that we had basically no real information for.  Oh well, I think I made a good enough essay with what I had and its Yoon so I can usually get an ok grade out of her.  I just wish we could know how we did on this section before we had to do the IS presentations.  I finished in a little less than three hours.  But then I made myself read through all three of the essays again twice, just to be sure and because the day before Yoon had sent us an email about how no one who had given strong answers and completed the exam in less than the allotted four hours.  But after I'd read through them there wasn't much else I could do so I tried to print them, but the printer didn't work so I got to email them to Yoon.  Then she was really concerned about what I was going to do since I was done early (see the next paragraph for why this was a problem), but I told her I'd just go home for the hour and come back.  So I got to come back to the pod and have a bit of a breather away from CFA before I had to do anything else.

After all of us were done with comps, Dr. Yoon took us out to eat at Empress and then to MCAT.  It was pretty fun and she paid for everything so that was awesome of her.  She talked to each of us about our plans for next year (lectured a bit...) and talked about how the major is growing, plans for the coming years, etc.  Sounds like we're going to miss some pretty cool happenings.  Its good to know the major is getting bigger though - she says they'll be 8 seniors next year.  That's pretty huge for our major.  My class is the biggest since I've been here.  I don't remember how many there were my freshman year - a couple I think - but after that I know its been 3, 2, and now 4.  So eight really is a lot for us; its exciting.  After that we just sort of vegged for the day.  We bought some alcohol and came back to the room, showered and whatnot.  But after that it was just sort of like we were tired, but not enough to go to bed.  It was a weird feeling to be done with comps.  I think that because they weren't as horrendous as I was anticipating, being done with them was less of a relief, less of a woohoo moment.  And it was as though the moment comps were out of the way my mind immediately moved on to the next thing I had to worry about.  There wasn't the kind of break or moment of peace I was expecting.

Actually being done with comps is just another thing that has been keeping me from working and, instead, doing a lot of thinking.  Its intensely frustrating and distracting - I really should be having less trouble keeping up this term than I am.  But I can't seem to help it and I spend hours and hours each day going over the plethera of issues racing around in my head.  I've been listening to a lot of good music on my player lately which both helps and encourages my thinking marathons.  This song came up today...I absolutely love it and I hadn't heard it in a while so I listened to it a couple of times to really enjoy it.  Well, I'd better get back to studying...its going to be another long week (aren't they all?).  Hope everyone is enjoying the lovely weather.

Wicked Little High (Drawn to You) by Bird York

You're a wrong turn
a big fat No
you're the fifth drink before a long drive home
you're the thing to avoid
the bars to my cage
you're all I think about every day
you've got that thing
that my wildest dreams are made of
you set my world on fire

'Cause I die every time you walk by
I can't hide that I'm drawn to you
Desire is such a wicked little high
when the one you want is blind to you

You're the third scoop
the second pack
you're the reason for therapy
why I should go back
Hey Mister Wrong
you're the tingle in my jeans
you're everything I don't want
but everything I need
I see other guys
but their kisses don't mean nothin'
'cause you're what I have in mind

I die everytime you walk by
I can't hide that I'm drawn to you
Desire is such a wicked little high
when the one you want is blind to you

You've got that thing
that my wildest dreams are made of
'cause you set my world on fire
'cause i die every time you walk by
I can't hide that I'm drawn to you
Desire is such a wicked a little high
when the one you want is blind to you

you're a wrong turn
a big fat No
you're the fifth drink before a long drive

Currently Listening Eyes Open By Snow Patrol You're All I Have see related

Reflections of a senior studying for comps

Once upon a time, there was a small college in the hamlet town of Hanover by the dark, dank Ohio.  Many a young and impressionable mind was lured to the college each year, distracted by the campus’s beauty and naively reassured by the sense of community among the students and caring from the professors.  “A lovely place to spend the next four years,” they each thought.  “Surely I’ll learn much here.”

And in the beginning, all seemed well.  They made friends, took interesting and challenging courses, and became part of that campus community.  The first two years sailed by, carefree, with only passing thoughts toward what lay before them.  “Four years is a long time,” thought they; “surely there’s time to worry about such things…later.”

By the third year, they began to think, perhaps now might be a good time to plan, perhaps.  But many of them were distracted by delightful studies abroad to exotic and distant lands, far far from the worries of Hanover.  They left, for months at a time, only to come back dazed, confused, and feeling lost in the place they once thought grand.

Hence, by the fourth year, many a student was monstrously ill-prepared.  “Wherever did the time go?” they cried.  “Whatever shall we do?”  For, unlike most other, slightly saner, institutes of higher learning, Hanover had a catch.  The final year of studies could not be devoted to relaxation and true enjoyment of the academic arts…no, for before them lay many horrible and evil tasks.  An Independent Study – requiring hours, days, and months of labor to produce a work that, in the end, the student cared more to burn than read or present.  Comprehensive Examinations – a cruel exercise, professing to test the students’ learned knowledge in their major fields of study, but, quite often, in reality, a twisted series of hoops, testing the student’s mental agility (and fragility) rather than actual knowledge.  Beyond that there were plans for the year after graduation – job searches, grant proposals, applications to schools of even higher learning, and so on and so forth.  There seemed no end to the sources of stress and despair.

In their final months, the students did all they could – scrambled and scribbled ‘til their minds were mush, their bodies sore, and their souls near defeat.  As they sat in their dormitories, library cubicles, laboratories, or even therapists’ offices, hyped up on the truest and quickest drugs from their local apothecary, they were sure they could hear, in the distance, quiet, maniacal laughter.  They knew not from whence it came…but they had a guess or two.

Though this seems a tale of woe…there was a ray of light for these poor, tired, oppressed souls.  If they could manage to complete these tasks - slay their academic dragons – two rewards awaited them.  The first, the final month of the academic year – Spring Term as it was known to the locals – was, technically a time to focus diligently on a single study, but, in reality, was a time spent in merry praise and worship of Dionysus, Apollo, and Pan.  The second, and far more exciting, was the final freedom from the world of this small college.  The students were now free to leave, to find their ways in the world, and go in search of new excitements and adventure.  It was this knowledge alone that allowed them to survive.  Nay, it drove them to triumph simply in order to spite the evil and wicked ways of a small college, which, in the end, proved unworthy to challenge students such as these.

What a difference a year makes

It’s remarkable what can happen in only twelve months, isn’t it?  All musical theater references aside – and there have been plenty of midnights and cups of coffee – this has been an incredible year, both good and bad…and I simply can’t believe it’s been that long already.  I have changed so much.  Incredible, twelve entire months…and some days it feels not more than a day can have passed.

The last two weeks have been trying anyway – watching the Belgians and talking to other Aussies as our one year anniversaries come up.  It’s funny.  None of us realized a year ago how poignant the exact date would be.  I mean, I knew I’d remember mine – it’s a hard date to forget given I left on my birthday – but the fact that it would be so hard…we didn’t see that coming.  A year ago today I was in Fort Wayne.  I was packing…or thinking about packing…or stressing about packing…or something.  I’d soon be on my way to Australia, four months of study abroad ahead of me.  I was terrified and ecstatic at the same time.  But I was in for the long haul, no turning back…and I’m so very glad I was.  I loved study abroad.  Australia was an amazing place: it was naturally beautiful, the people were among the most outgoing and fun I’ve met, I had great classes and professors, and I made some incredible friends.  But one of the most marvelous things to happen was getting the reassurance that another place, one so far away, could just as easily be home.  I don’t necessarily mean just feel like home.  I’ve felt that to an extent before in other places, in some even more than in Oz.  But that I could become so comfortable in a place that long, live there, reach the point where I can honestly say there were moments I suddenly realized I hadn’t thought about home or the fact that I was somewhere that was supposed to be ‘strange’ in days.  I’ve been told that sounds like a scary or depressing feeling…but it was quite the opposite actually.  The day I left Oz was one of the most painful.  Being back in the states and on campus has been hard too.  It’s so weird.  You’re incredibly psyched to see friends and family and, in some ways, it was nice to be back in a place where people know you and afforded you some level of respect and recognition for that.  But on the other hand so many things here annoy you that didn’t necessarily before.  And home and the campus seem so much smaller, more isolated.  Coming back has reinforced a feeling I’ve always had growing up and now that I’ve not yet found the place that I belong.  But my memories of being abroad give me hope that the place is out there somewhere.

Another year also means another birthday.  I can’t believe I’ll be 22.  Em and I were talking about it on the way to class this morning.  Our whole lives have been about getting to 21.  Anything after that has been hard to conceptualize I guess.  Maybe it’s not that…I don’t know.  It’s probably a combination of factors – graduating, leaving people, finding a job, facing this so-called ‘real world’.  In some ways to change is all I want right now – leave this school, this state, maybe even this country.  And yet…there is an undeniably annoying and frustrating worry about what will come next.  Logically I know it will all work out.  I’ll find a job or an internship or something and I’ll be fine.  I’ll see these people, these places again.  It just seems that the passage of time both distorts and clears your perspective, a hard thing to reconcile.  Time comes and goes so strangely here.

There are good things too.  I’m getting something of a handle on the school work (sort of anyway…), I’ve gotten one application in and will be starting more soon, and maybe even the project for spring term.  Hanging out with friends here, plans to see some at home, keeping in touch with the rest.  A possible St. Paddy’s day excursion to a city I miss.  And of course my birthday party…I have to admit I’m starting to get a little (wel more than a littles) excited about that!

So much to think about – some days I just want to sit and contemplate and write.  But there’s not the time for such things around here.  I just felt the urge to post today…about today.  Feeling a little nostalgic and couldn’t let the day pass without saying anything about it.  I know tensions will ease.  I’ll get abroad again.  And all this will seem so silly.  In another year…