I honestly do not know who I am. I know I was born, to a caring father and mother. I know I have a husband and two beautiful children, but who am I really? I know my physical self, I know my mental self, but I do not know my spiritual self. Maybe I do not even know my menatl self well enough, but I understand it. It has been what has kept me sane all of these years. When you do not know your true self, only the shell in which you reside, your mental self is the only thing you have to lean on.
It's as if I am someone's dream, or in their imagination. Yearning to know more about myself, but nearly impossible to attain. Incased in a glass house with no doors, no way of escaping. It's as if I am a doll, in a glass house, played with and then left alone for the night. Not knowing who I am or where I truely came from. Watching everything around me change, grow, and attain something greater, but I am stuck in a battle to free myself. To become the doll which leaves the house and attains her true meaning.
If this glass house where to shatter, were would I be? Would I finally be happy, or would I wish for a new glass house? Would I lift myself up to attain that which was impossible, or would I flee in fear? It's as if I hold the rock which could shatter all, but I am still contemplating if I should throw it. I want to know what is on the other side of this wall, but the fear of it being a cruel fate holds me back. A fate in which I could not control seems worse then existing all alone.
One day I will gather the courage to break these walls, but for now I am stuck here. I will see what is on the other side, but for now I would rather not. Is it fear that keeps me bound here? Maybe. It could very well be my fear of not knowing that keeps me here, as a doll. When you have the tool in which to attain greater meaning, but you do not use it, I think that is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what's to come. I wish I could be one of the fearless, someone who needs not to think but do. Yet, that is not me.
Will I be here forever? I also fear that. An existance with no meaning. That is why I picked up the rock, but why I do not throw it is also fear. To live in fear if you do not, or if you do. It would seem I am damned if I don't, and damned if I do. So, why shouldn't I throw this rock? What is it really, if fear awaits me on either side? Fear of the unknown and fear of a shallow existance. Which one is the greater fear? I do not know. Maybe I have become comfortable being the lonely doll in the glass house, and to break these walls would lead to a fate I do not wish to have. Yet, I yearn for that fate. I yearn to see outside these walls. I yearn to know everything that happens when these walls are gone.
Then again, I am a coward. I've held this rock for ages, but have not thrown it.
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