i keep takein way too long between posts...oh well i hate english, thats my excuse *nods*

Nothing has really changed with my life still the same old shit as usual with everything really. Ive decided not to sell my self as it takes too much effort to actually go to partys or anything like that. Im becomin more distant from people, on purpose though. I just feel like people are better off without knowing me yah no, or maybe ya dont *shrugs*. Like i agknowledge i still need people, one of my unfortunate weaknesses, i still try to talk to them and see them jus to hang out but i feel stupid for doing so. I probably just annoy them for showing up or for asking them to spend time with me. Meh. Im human and one of those unfortunate side effects of being human is that need for contact and realationships (friends and that other kind of realationship that just ends up hurting you in the end for most people) with other people, we are just not built mentally or psychologically to be permanent loners. Like ive got a few very close friends and even after all we've been through with moving to other schools and leaving school and moveing areas and such (it may not seem like such a big deal to some of you but after spending almost 13 yrs in school the sepeartion after it will change friendships and has happened even before the endo f year 12) we are still really close, but i dont want to be the thorn in thier side, to speak figuratively, like ive always helped them out and been there if they have needed me and as far as im aware they have never had a major problem with me, but i stil feel like i shouldnt no them. Like I dont deserve to know them and they would have a better life if they no longer knew me, so the plan is once they seem fairly happy and as 'stable' as possible at a point ill just dissopere and depart form them entirely like i never knew them. But i just cant bring myself to leave them, i love ma mates so much and ive known most of them since year 3, we have helped each other through so much shit. Its certainly a punch in the face either way i end up going.

My hatred for myself is growing stedily daily i just hate everything about myself, everything. Please ignore the whole emoness of it all but its the truth. Im aware its unhealthy to hate yourself, and im a hipocrit for doing so as i try to make other people to feel better about themselves constantly dispite the way I am. Ya know like as long as the people who are important to me are relitively happy or are happy, the occasional times when it does happen, im satisfied. They are all 'fucked in the head' as well, some worse than others but some are comeing through, or are starting to have good things happen in thier life and i partcialy feel that is my responsibility to try to maintain and encourage that.

This is all getting more intertwined and confusing. Im not good with words or expressing my emotions, thats what music is for and even that however truthful and close it is cant ever really exactly point what im feeling because those fantastically gifted artists are (fortunatly) not me. Love music so much it gets you through and gets you everywhere mentally, emotionally  and sometimes even physically no matter where or what your doing : ).

Im gonna stop now, this shit just keep flowing, which is wierd cos it usually never starts, meh

chowdy

 (scott if your reading this which i very much doubt....HEY I MISS YOU AND I STILL WANT YOINK YOUR TRENCH COAT!) 

hello once again *waves at non responsive screen*

ive got a question to ask of u xanga ppl, ok first u must take into account the following variables (shield your eyes until u pass the pic if u dont want o be mentally scard for life):

ok that ^^^^ up there where the many retarded arrows are pointing is an old pic of me, the difference now is my hair is constantly straitend and down to the end of my shoulderblades, i ware more black, i ware black eyeliner, and im now 5'7 and im 16... anywho yer this shows u that i am hell ugly (one of the varibles). (more varibles:) i have low self esteem, im constantly broke, im not femine,i hate myself,  i hate sluts, i hook up with mates and random ppl at partys for the hell of it, a fuck is a fuck it dont matter if u dont get attatched, when ppl are drunk and horny they will fuck almost anyone.Im not attatched to anyone and im scared to get hurt so i dont let anyone in anymore.

now that thats outta the way (but still needs to be considered) i will ask of u my question. Should i start sell my body for cash at partys?

the rules being :i get paid, a connie is always used, no STDs, if i somehow get pregnant they cover the cost of the abortion or whateva, im not lesbian but ill hook in for a show piece if i get a lil more doe and the other chick gets some cash too

 well gimmie ur verdicts plz!

greetings all (meaning leopardboy, myself, and anybody who came accross this shithole by accedent) *cough*

umm k aint been ere in a while, cos it envolves effort to type and furter distracts me from attempting (attempting being the main word) to catch up on skool crap. Not much has happened really..ooo but i retrieved my shit back form my ex after 3 yrs of gettin round to doing so and he wasnt even there so it was less awquid than it would of been. Truthfully i was hoping for a good ole' full contact fight jus to let all the shit fly, ahh if only *stares into oblivion thinking of blood on my knuckles* *sigh*. umm got a mates 18th on saterday yay for other ppls alcamohole, how i love thee. if im lucky they might bring sum smirnoff double black i feel like getting drunk and hopefully forgetting everything for a period of time, who knows if im lucky i might ram myself into barbbed wire and not feel it. Isnt it amusin when u eventually wake up the next mornin after a party and find scratches and bruses all over u, i think its great for sum unknown reason. I became philosopical for a period of time today while was/ still am in my dazed lack of sleep state (thank u chronic fatigue) i philosophised in a three yr old type of way that "if u stare at the ground u cant see urself or other ppl meaning they cant see you therefore u dont exist" i like this concept dispite the fact it is utterly wrong therefore i shall stare at the ground more often to excape the fuked up society that we all live in. thrill

umm im cold..yay no u know my body temperature in a very broud spctum at the current time. Im gonna fuck of now i got more skool shit to do....meh

i poke u all *poke* mwahahaha *runs into corner and rocks back and forth in a ball*

well today i managed to do something i havent done before. No it wasnt exactly amasing, more like a variatain on what ive done occasionally during rock bottem. Today i just put a razorblade to my wrist. I didnt really think about it, infact i didnt really care when i did it, it was like i was only half there. I didnt dig it in or anything just like a couple of scratches i guess, across the road not down it (see not serius) if ya no what i mean in direction speakin. Usually when i hit rock bottem i jus scratch using a safety pin, like i do this stuff sorta symbolically, so far i havent hit far down enough into the abyss that ive tried suicide. But yeah im sorta like "damn,  i aint had the balls or rather no care facter that much with an implament of slicable quality before". The blade came from my stanly-knife which lives in my pencil case, yes the strange child carries one around with her everyday at school, but no not for that stuff, its for art purposes...and possibly knifing ppl on my very very long shit list, no i dont discriminate i hate everyone except for those few ppl who are speshal to me.

yeah non of this is probably making coherent sence , meh not like it matters i jus really needed to 'get it off me' ya no.

FUCK VALINTINES DAY!!!!!!! damn it and its consumerisum!!!!

are these the scars you wanted on me are they deep enough for you is there enough blood, enough pain, is that enough tears cryed for you

or would you perfer me in a casket to go...sign here and here and here ok my body shall be lying motionless in three days you will then be able to confidently say that i no longer exist without spazzin out whenever my name is mensioned cos u feel guilty still... and there is no guilt trip being planted on you, you feel guilty without anyones help