I've let myself go. I have to stop this yo yo bullshit. I drink too much..I say as a take a sip from a gin and tonic (diet tonic) I also tried to quit smoking so I think I nibble too much now. And I ran out of adderol during midterms.

So I saw my hidious reflection and decided to weigh myself. My roomate (who I have alsoways considered to be on the hefty side) was less than me.

I was 128.

that's midlife crissis weight.

that was a week ago.

now I'm 121.

She was 120 then, and I challenged her to a race to 115. I think I might win. Because she hasn't lost anything.

and I'm still fat.

I've got 3 auditions coming up after thanksgiving and I want to be down to 115 by then and maintain. I've ruined it today though, I had chips, a reeses mac and cheese and small french fries. wow. that was hard to say outloud.

So starting tom until thanksgiving. I'm doin all liquids, maybe some fruit and raw veggies. No sauces (maybe viniger) and no junk food. oh ya. no beer. no beer. no beer. Hopefully I can find some addies soon. They kill hunger faster than my reflection.

EEK!!! I just remembered I have to do a scene in one of my acting classes next week in nothing but my skivvies. And I have a beautiful 2 % body fat hunk of a man teacher. I don't want them to laugh me off the stage, so now, I FAST!!!

Wow guys! It's been a while!! I just got back from france a few weeks ago. I was doing study abroad (and I gained much!... a boyfriend.. new language.. art.. literature.. pounds..) lots.

but.. I'm back!!!

And I need to hit the diets hard. I am an actress and I'm now having to get pretty serious into studies and craft and all that.. oh ya.. I need to look better! This entire month I am a counselor at a theatre/dance camp (where I can hopefully loose a bunch)

It will consist of me working my ass off to set a good example for the youngsters ( & I'll be damned if I get outdone in any aspect by them!) be that talent, proffesionalism, athletisism, or beauty) I'm waking up every morning at 5:00 to go to the gym. That'll help. I have to... to take the kids!

I am starting the diet tom. and a fast on monday. I'm going to buy some diet pills tom. so I will be lookin good!! I love my new boyfriend! he's sweet and amazing yet just as shallow as I am about the way a woman should look.. It keeps me motivated but he also lifts my self esteem. He makes me feel beautiful and makes me want to please him. It's fun being slightly shovanistic.

I dyed my hair black and got really tan! I feel like a new me!!

This is always what I'm working towards...

Today is a strange day. I'm torn between feeling heartbroken or on top  of the world.

So I'm haven't done anything today. & I have a lot to do: Philosophy paper, script anylisis, Acting paper, french, algebra, voice numbering stuff, laundrey stuff, memorizing stuff, and getting all my stuff together. LOT'S OF STUFF. that will more than likly not be done today. bla.

I'm dropping out of my sorority. YAY! And last night was our winter formal. that was my last sorority function.  

& I brought the only guy I'm interested in in this intire campus.

& I got far far far far far too drunk & fucked myself over. I payed for drinks last night and made a deal with him that he could repay me with a kiss.

We kissed.. in the middle of the dance floor. I started it. He finished it. said "Not in public." !!!!!never never tell me when I'm drunk "not in fucking public!!" Is he embarrised by me?! annoyed?! freaked?! I don't get it!! I'm not exactly being forward. We've been hanging out for months now! I currently have five guys falling over me and I'm not even mildly attracted to one of them, then the one guy I actually open up to shoots me down with a "not in public!!!!!"   

``````````````anyway````````````I hear from his.. I mean our.. freinds that he's still heartbroken over his ex factor. from 2 years ago!!! I look her up, find out I know her. She is the most absolutly beautiful girl I've ever seen. and the editor of a colloge news paper. and a geniuin nonconformist. funny, smart, sweet, ya know.. perfect.

so unlike me.

I have now decided to go shower and I will study at Starbucks. maybe I'll invite one of my guy freinds. sweet distraction.

discovered adoral (sp?).. I love it!! not 1 craving all day long, tons of energy, easier to consentrate, and I get a better buzz at night. AMAZING!!!!

And this new guy (who is completely infatuated with me and I'm not trying to sound snobby) gives them to me..

This new guy... ballet dancer who just got back from a dance school in Europe. Great great guy, hopleless romantic. Emphasis on the Hopeless. We've known each other 3 days and he thinks he's in love with me.. Ah! He's a great great great guy.. cute too.. and well, I love talking with him (he's practicly the male form of myself) but for some reason, I don't find him sexually attractive and I just can't get over that!!!! Am I that vain?!?! I feel trapped. I hate fluffy lovey dovey smushy gushy shit, and this guy is the epitomy of all that combined!! But I don't want to kick him to the curb cause he's like mr. perferct. or I know he should be.

crap I need counseling.. oh well, off to class. And oh ya!..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Intake~~~~~~~~~~~~~

nothing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I binged last night.. chex mix, piece of cake, cookie, baked chips.. so much junk. And that is what I am. So much junk.

Daily Damage

```````````````````````````````````````````````````

10:00- 1 cup of coffee

1:30- 2 pieces roast beef

2:00- apple juice

..so far..

````````````````````````````````````````````````````

I'm soooo excited!! next semester, I'm living in france!!! but now.. the government has outlawed smocking in public.. i don't know what i will do.

and it's official, i'm getting the hell out of this sorority. sororities are suppossed to inhance the college life, not control it. my parents are thrilled, they can save up extra thousand a year instead of pouring down the sorority drain. When I joined, I was at another school and it was a completely different animal. The only fun part of this chapter is seeing boys drool when I say the name. but frat boys aren't my cup of tea anyway.

I currently have the prince of the frat boys chasing me. I'm flattered. But more importantly, I'm annoyed. He can't get it through his beer can crushing skull that one girl in the world doesn't want him. but ladies, i garantee there is one.. me.