Weblog
Friday, May 23, 2008
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Currently Listening
Vengeance
By Nonpoint
Bullet with a name on it
see relatedFuck You!!!!!!!!!!
If you hate me so much then fucking leave everyone leaves anyway...EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, February 29, 2008
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Currently Listening
Nobody Knows
By Pink
see relatedTired...
Im tired of fighting though every day just for nothing good to come out of it...im sick and tired of being sick and tired...Fighting all the time even when i really make a good effort...its like everyday i fuck something up...i just dont know where to go or what to do...i have tried so many things and nothing ever works...i feel like im am just making everything worse and some times i wonder if the world would be better off with out me? I dont know anymore...i have to do something just to get through the day...im tired i just want to be me and do everything right is that really so much to ask for apparently it is because i continue to fuck things up and hurt the people close to me but i just feel so alone...it just hurts and i dont know what to do...how do i fix it how do i just make everything all better or is it even possible...i dont know but i know that this is hurting me mentally and physically i really think that i have split personalities sometimes...but i am no doctor im sure there is alot more wrong with me im bi-polar, scitzo, physotic, manic depressive, OCD, and scuidial or a "self harmer" as the doctor likes to call it...whatever...im all kinds of fucked up what can i say...How many times do i have to cry for it to be enough...How long do i suffer for it to totally kill me on the inside...truely im not sure if im even still alive in there...i became numb and i feel like i just exist like i mean nothing to anyone...that im just here and i have to purpose...Yet there is no one to blame but me...I cant fix it...I cant make it any better...I cannot change into the person everyone wants me to be...I cant make everyone happy...yet i still try to fail and i would really like to win just once...I am hollow and alone...and this life is not what i imagined...Im tired of faking a smile when inside im dying...Maybe one day everything will come togather but the last 8 years have been total hell...Maybe one someone will care...
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
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Currently Listening
Rage Against the Machine
see relatedso things are not exactly what i thought they might be...i really thought everything would come togather and all the pain and hurt would go away but latley it seems that things are getting worse i just dont know what to do anymore...i never thought that marriage would be easy but i never thought it would be like this either...i just had a baby and i really thought that it would bring everything together in the end but as it stands it just seems like i have more responsiblity and more to take care of...i can hardly take care of myself by myself let alone someone else...i really thought that it would make the marriage stronger but i just seems like he does not want anything to do with me or the baby...i thought that maybe it was just because the baby is so small but now im just having a hard time trying to make myself believe that...i hope this is just a phase because i think having this baby by myself might just push me over the edge...im just not sure how much more i can handle while i feel so alone...like no one is there or no one cares...im not coping anymore...its like i am numb to "real" life...almost like i am living in a differant world...i can see everything that is going on it just does not really effect me that way it should and some times it is almost scary...sometimes i scare myself and that scares me even more...SO...what to do...where to go...whats next...
