I didn't realize how completely non descriptive and how little subject that last post of mine had, so none of you had any clue what I was talking about. Oh well, that's okay, because in all honestly, I don't remember at all haha

So it looks like i'll be suspended.  So I wont be here for first semester, oh wells.  Here's hoping I can try to appeal it, but if I can't, this sort of thing happens. I'll live.  I'm praying that they don't think it's bad enough for a dismissal, just because well, that would suck. In fact, I can't really wrap my mind around that, although you get an appeal for that too.... It's just somewhat horrifying.

I hate to be negative again, but this morning was the beginning of what looks as though it'll be a very, very  bad day.  It pretty much started with finding out that someone was on and changing my facebook. Basically they made me out to be a lesbian, even formed a group called my "coming out party", among other things, and altered a bunch of other stuff.  That, was annoying. I posted a note telling whoever did it exactly how I felt about it, I'll put it at the end of this entry or something. 
The second bad thing was also on facebook, after I took the time to fix what had been changed, I had a notification saying I had an "honesty box" message.  For those that don't know, honesty box is a program where people can type whatever they want to you, but it shows up as being annonymous. The only clue is that the box is pink if it's a comment from a girl, and blue from a boy.  I've had many pleasant honesty box messages, and even more funny ones, and a few where I couldn't tell the tone so I didn't know, nor did I care. This one however, due to my insecurities lately, really got to me.  It said "I just think you've really let yourself go, and gained a lot of weight. Take care of yourself!"
Well, thank you annonymous person who's opinion I didn't need. You think I don't KNOW that I've gained weight??  I will however say that I am still average for my height. I may not be where I WANT to be, where I was last year... And yes, when I let myself think about it, it does bother me, but hey, I know that during the summer I always exercise and keep busy, so I'll be fine.  What I want to know is, why did they feel the need to tell me that? Both of those things, piled ontop of everything else that has been occuring as of late, and spawned some irrational insecurities that were completely unrelated and basically caused me to have a mini breakdown.
It started when Andrew was awake still, but that part was based soley on my body image pretty much. I hadn't begun to overthink anything yet.  I let him know how I felt because I knew that when he comforted me I would feel better, and I did. 
I left Harshman to find Andrew and go back to his room so that he could cuddle and comfort me, because I knew that hugging would make me feel safe and loved and kisses and touches make me feel beautiful and adored. And at that moment, that is all I needed. 
Well, I cried, we cuddled, I didn't really talk, I had nothing to say.  I tried to take my mind off of it, but I still felt horrible, so I told him we should watch a movie. We put one on, and I figured, I'll make out with him, yes, then I'll feel good, and who knows what'll happen from there. Then I'd end up feeling happy, loved, and beautiful.  As though the words that get spoken are turned into realities that I can believe and feel.  Now, I don't want to say I saught sex to cure sadness, that is not the case. It is more of the fact that no one acts that way towards someone they do not think is attractive. And in the moment , I just needed to know that I was. 
I had thought it all through in my head, exactly how it would all happen, how everything would go, and by this time we were probably five to ten minutes within the movie. So it was time to try, I went to kiss him, just a peck.  But then we went back to watching the movie. Unsatisfied with the lack of interest, I tried again a few minutes later, and that's when I decided maybe my plan wouldn't work out after all.
Well, there was only one flaw, Andrew had begun to doze off. I went to give him a kiss and it was so obvious he was tired, so I decided that perhaps it should be bedtime and the movie should be turned off.

We said goodnight, and went to go to sleep............ Time passed and I knew I was wide awake. I couldn't tell if andrew was asleep or not, but I started to cry. I couldn't help it.  I kept over thinking everything. I thought about my body, i thought about my grades, i thought about telling my parents, about not having andrew around during the summer, about not being able to go to first semester, about having to call my advisor, pay for the dorm, make my second semester sched, sign up for summer online courses,  passing those courses, about missing my friends, about adderall, about everything.  My head was realing, and I just couldn't stop.
That little voice in my head was just bombarding me with all of them, while I myself yelled back inwardly to just shut the hell up. it was around this time that my irrational insecurities came in, the ones I don't dare mention because they do not make any sense. at. all.  I'm surprised I wasn't rocking back and fourth.  I managed to stop crying because Andrew moved, and I was relaxed because he looked so calm and sleepy.  He spoke to me, but he was half asleep, and for some reason said goodnight all over again.  I was slightly confused, and I couldn't help but start to cry again, because I realized just how badly I wanted to be held and kissed, but how unfair that would be of me to ask at that moment.  So I tried not to be a stupid over-emotional girl, and tried harder to shut up and coax him back to sleep.  He fell asleep, and I was still a leaking focet, so I decided to go pee, and use the computer in the Lobby.  I thought maybe I could just get out all the over emotional-ness in the bathroom by having a good cry, instead of holding back, but alas there were people in the lobby.
Oh well, I went to the computer after peeing, and began to write this.  Now, if it sounds as though I'm saying anything bad about him, I'm not. At all.  I am trying to show how stupid I was being, and if it didn't come across that way, well, I'm not re-writing this, it's 5:52 in the morning. I'm saying that the best thing for me right now is probably sleep, and Andrew did the best thing in the world, and he was there for me when I needed him to be, and I couldn't be more grateful, because it has been a long LONG time since someone has legitimately hurt my feelings like that random girl did via facebook.

SO, here's my plan.

As soon as I get up today, I'm going to help Andrew clean his room, for it could use a good one. Somewhere in there is grabbing lunch, and somewhere in there is Andrew going to class as well. THEN I shall attack and cuddle and watch a movie and do whatever I want. I'm sure I'll feel better after getting some sleep....

BUT for some reason lately I have not been able to sleep, and I do not understand why at all.  I wake up around noon, and then I don't get sleep when it's 6 in the morning.  I don't get sleepy till much, much later. This makes no sense to me. I think I'm just stressed out.  I have way to much energy but I have nothing to do. Sigh.