AmericanChild's Xanga

Of children and promises and wonder and faith

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 06:55:47 GMT

I don't have it all worked out in my head yet, but there seems to be a connection between childlike faith/innocense, and things having great meaning. In other words, for adults, information doesn't equal knowledge.

Children see the world as big, and beautiful, and amazing. Big orange pumpkins in the fall, tall, green Christmas trees, yellow, and red balloons at birthday parties. Children are curious, and see the world around them with a spirit of wonder and belief that what is, truly is. Mom loves me, dad loves me and I can trust him. When I was babysitting tonight, the 1 1/2 year old kept asking when mommy and daddy were getting home, and the five year old confidently reassured that it would be later, but that they were coming back. No doubt at all. It was trust in the consistency of a father who is always there; always comes back.

As a child, it's fun to look at the stars and catch lady bugs and marvel (though children may not use such a big word to describe it) at the sweetness of blueberries, and just for the fun of it, see how many blueberries one can eat in 15 seconds. Swimming in the pond, joy on Christmas morning, these were moments of pure emotions full of wonder and delight. And another thing that children get is that God is bigger than all. So one of my favorite songs, I will admit, is God is Bigger Than the Boogie Man, by Veggie Tales. I half jokingly, half seriously take that song seriously. Think about it. For little children, what's scarier than something we can't see? Something other than the Boogie Man, or the shadows? And yet God is bigger than all of those things. Why can't God be bigger than our adult Boogies too? And yet, he is...

So why do adults lose the delight of dancing in the rain? What takes away our innocent trust? God is still just as much in control of our lives now as he ever was, nothing has changed. Nothing except our own knowledge that tempts us with distrust. We learn more, and just like Adam and Eve, feel as if we'll be able to rival, or be like God. So we think we know about the danger of nuclear warfare, or tsunami's, of crashing stock markets, we think we know and think we have reason to worry about real problems. But we don't. Just because we think we know more about things doesn't give us reason to say "this deserves to be worried about." Instead, we should say "Look how complicated some parts of life are--aren't I glad that God is in control so I don't have to worry." "I said to my God, I trust you, my times are in your hands.'"

God is in control, and we should never lose wonder and delight in life. This is my Father's world, and of our Father's things, we are free to use and enjoy. As Bonaventure said, it's not good enough to have "investigation without wonder." It's ok; it's right to thank God for the rain, and I'd venture that it is even better to dance in it. To enjoy every sensation, every rainbow and sunset because they are every bit a part and expression of God's love. I hope I never outgrow my delight in rain and clouds and stars and laugher. Yes, laughter and joy and tears. This whole expirience of being human; of being able to say I am, and realize that in some way, our I am's are pitiful, but reflections none the less of I AM. Because he is, we also are. Imago Dei, I am so unworthy.

To put it in the words of Rich Mullins, someone who, in my opinion, really got it. Let's go back to when we were children and:

"Every stable was sacred because it was in a stable that Christ was born, and every star was an angel of God's presence because He had told Abraham to see in them the number of blessings to come. Every tree had hands to clap and mountains had voices; pebbles could penetrate the helmets on the heads of giants; sins were shameful and love was irrepressible...we used to pray: "Into my heart, into my heart, come into my heart, Lord Jesus. Come in today. Come in to stay. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus..." and we can't grasp it much more now than we could then, on;ly it didn't stop us from praying. When we were little, we gave ourselves over to faith. Now we are big, and too heavy to rise about our own understanding.

When we were kids we sang for the joy of singing, we colored and cut and pasterd for the fun of doing it. We ran for the love of running and laughed and got scared and saw the world as a real place full of real dangers and realbeauty and real rights and wrongs.

And if the cross is more than a symbol (and it is), and if grace is more than sentiment (and, thank God, it is) if Jesus Christ is really God's revelation of Himself and not the product of human imagination (And He is), then we will become the children we once were and must become again. Stables will be temples, stars will be guarentees...we will pray and run and work and give ourselves over to faith. And God will be our Father and His Kingdom will be our home, for we will be those children we once were, and "of such is the Kingdom, of Heaven..."

The world wants to rob us of our joy. Every day we have to fight against things that would destroy our peace. I know. No sooner does God renew a promise to me, than I am feeling assulted by doubts, by what if's...Hold on to joy. If God says life is good, then it's good. If God says he is always with us, then he is. My friend, it's ok: God is bigger than the Boogie Man.

The Color Green, Rich Mullins

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 18:11:26 GMT

And the moon is a sliver of silver
Like a shaving that fell on the floor of a Carpenter's shop
And every house must have it's builder
And I awoke in the house of God
Where the windows are mornings and evenings
Stretched from the sun
Across the sky north to south
And on my way to early meeting
I heard the rocks crying out
I heard the rocks crying out

Be praised for all Your tenderness by these works of Your hands
Suns that rise and rains that fall to bless and bring to life Your land
Look down upon this winter wheat and be glad that You have made
Blue for the sky and the color green that fills these fields with praise

And the wrens have returned and they're nesting
In the hollow of that oak where his heart once had been
And he lifts up his arms in a blessing for being born again
And the streams are all swollen with winter
Winter unfrozen and free to run away now

And I'm amazed when I remember
Who it was that built this house
And with the rocks I cry out

Be praised for all Your tenderness by these works of Your hands
Suns that rise and rains that fall to bless and bring to life Your land
Look down upon this winter wheat and be glad that You have made
Blue for the sky and the color green

Reflections of love

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 00:14:02 GMT

Amazing, it is, the times when one is struck with powerful emotion. Often inconvenient, as it was for me.

My flight home from MASTERS. I was exhausted more so than I can remember in a long time. A very long time. So naturally, I wanted to sleep. I was also sick. The ‘MASTER’s bug,’ or Louisville Slugger, as Mr. Brown fondly named it, had finally caught up with me. And it was about time—I was sort of expecting to get sick so I wasn’t surprised. But surprise or no, I wanted to sleep. My seat was in front of the exit row, hindering my chair from reclining, so I pulled down the tray table in front of me, folded my arms under my head, and tried to get comfortable. Except that the man sitting in front of me must’ve been ADD because he just would not hold still. He was also large enough to make the entire seat move every time he shifted just a little bit. This made it very difficult for me to be comfortable, not to mention sleep. With a sigh, I sat up, giving up on sleep for the moment, and just let my mind wander back over the conference. A dangerous thing to do when you’re tired and know you’re thinking over an emotional subject. But I wanted to think. Wanted to remember.

What a blessing the past three weeks had been to me. First having prep week and working with an amazing intern team, and then the conference itself. How I loved seeing everyone. From the guest instructors who are some of my dearest friends in the world, to seeing conference participants eager to learn and participate, to the many moms there that sacrifice their time, and in love, dedicate themselves to giving their children a good education, to the RSA’s who were just so incredible to work with. Every year, something new stands out to me, and I think this year I particularly noticed all of the parents.

Watching Mrs. Hop, Mrs. Kovaka, Mrs. Yeager, and Mrs. Ketring work so hard to pull of a conference that they had dedicated so much time to was inspiring. I remember over hearing a conversation that Mrs. Kovaka was having. She had around 10-12 RSA girls staying at her house, on top of coordinating host housing and all of the other little odd jobs that she did. “We were all in such a hurry to leave this morning that no one had time to clean up after breakfast,” she was saying. “So when I had to run home in the middle of the day, I had to take time to clean up the kitchen because my husband is still coming home at night and I don’t want there to be a mess for him.” I really admired what she said. Her life is crazy, she has a million kids at her house, and yet in the midst of it all, she is still wanting to take care of her husband. He is not slipping out of attention just because she has all of this crazy conference business going on. I was inspired by her dedication. It seems like such a small thing, a small detail. And yet, I know how tired everyone was, and she had not ceased to care about the little things. Her light was still burning.

Then there was Mrs. Dee. She bravely took on the job of being in charge of MASTERS tab. Towards the beginning of debate week, ‘the bug’ found her too, and yet she still continued to work with Nick and I to prepare for the tournament. She’d call me late at night saying she’d just emailed changes. She’d call me earlier in the morning to make sure all the ballots had been turned in. And even though the morning before the tournament she was sick, she sends the information that we need on a flash drive, says to call her if we need anything, but that she thinks she ought not come because she needs to get well as she has to go somewhere with her daughters the day she gets home from MASTERS. What love and sacrifice. Yes please, Mrs. Dee, get well, you did so much for us already. Get well so that your light can continue to shine to all those who you are around.

Then there was Mrs. Yeager. She took on the task of planning all of the meals for the conference, even the two banquet nights. She worked so hard that she didn’t even get to sit down and enjoy the banquets. But she did it because she loves her children, she believes in the mission of CFC, and she wanted to make this conference possible for everyone that came. Loves makes her light glow.

Then there was Mrs. Wolfson. She no longer has any kids of her own in competition, and yet, she cares enough about the pursuit of excellence that she travels to MASTERS to learn, and to network, and to have information to take back to her club, to help her students there. Her light continues to shine.

Then there were all of the parents who judged countless debate rounds. Some of them three and four rounds in one day. But they did it because they care about their children and care about their education. Their light shines, and is being reflected in the lives of their children.

Time and time again throughout MASTERS I was struck by the many sacrifices that our parents make for us and for our education. Homeschool moms are amazing. They have love and conviction. And it is something they desire to pass on to us. So they are raising us to have values and standards and morals, and passions, and intellect and eloquence, and love. I am so thankful for all of the moms who took the time to talk to me and to answer my questions about life. Moms are so wise, and they care so much. Next time you need someone to talk to, find a mom. I am especially thankful to Mrs. Jennifer Forman, Mrs. Robbi Blum, Mrs. Lisa Kays, Mrs. Dee McGill, Mrs. Deborah Cooper, and Mrs. Diana Wolfson for investing in me and sharing their lives with mine. Their light added a little bit of brightness to my own.

And then I began to reflect on love, and the love that we as Christians share. I always love being at MASTERS, because it’s just so….refreshing. Heck yes, it’s a bit pampering, too. For two weeks to be with so many people that are like me in the places where it matters. To be with people who have similar values and standards and goals. We are taught to love, and through the skills learned in debate, we are being taught to communicate and have relationships with those who we disagree. In their talk Sunday morning, Karen and Michele identified our uniting factor as being the love that we share. And I could not agree more. What I saw at MASTERS was beautiful to me, and nearly moved me to tears two or three times over the conference. I see moms who love their kids and will sacrifice for them. I see kids who loves their parents and their families. I see families who love one another and are dedicated to excellence. I was able to articulate to Karen what I saw by saying, “It’s beautiful here, and why? The people here have seen the Good, they are now reflections of it, and that is what is beautiful.” Our lights shine for the world to see.

What a blessing it was to be in that environment for 9 days. Oh…to stay like that, forever surrounded by some of the people that I love the most. I know that no one is perfect, I know that in any room with more than one person in it, there will be times for disagreement. Of course I know this. And yet, love, what binds us together, is stronger than our disagreements. The closing ceremony was especially beautifully sad this year. Thinking about all of us having to leave and go our separate ways. And yet, it’s necessary. If we’re going to “run to the darkness” we cannot forever remain huddled together, having our lights only continually light ourselves. But it’s hard to be separated from the ones you love. Yet we must, I realized. In Heaven, we will eternally be surrounded by Love, and the people that we love, and we will never have to leave. But that is not now. For now, we are all called to different places. And in his perfect plan, God has ordained where each of us should be. So we leave and go back to our respective homes, jobs, schools…spreading out quite literally from coast to coast. And in its own way, that is beautiful too. If we will let him, God wants to use our lives to be candles, to bring hope and light to the dark world around us. "Let your light so shine before men..."

So by this time I’m trying to no avail, to hold back the tears that have quietly started to run down my cheeks. But it’s dark, so I was hopeful that no one would notice. I feel so small and alone and tired and sick. But it felt good to cry, and to give my heart to God. “Here God,” I said. “My heart hurts just a little. You know how I hate to leave this people…how much I was moved by the beauty that I see surrounding everyone there. But I know that you bring us together for a reason, and you send us out for a reason. So thank you for that. Thank you for the talents of everyone there. Thank you for the talents of the interns, of the RSA’s, of the students. Keep them close to yourself, God, let them live and speak and act for you. Let them be your lights, and keep them close to yourself. Help them remember that no one is ever so great that they cannot serve, for in being the least we will become the greatest. Let them all use their gifts for you. And encourage the parents to follow their convictions about their children's lives and education. God, I feel better knowing there are parents out their like mine, because that means I'm not alone and their are kids out their like me. (yeah, even though I'm about to be 21, I still feel like a kid so many times) Christ was a servant leader, and he is the rule, not the exception. God, our hearts are your instruments, let our lives be you song. Thank you for life and love.”

For those of us who are in Christ, we are a family. Our hearts have been lit by his love, and are being guided by his Spirit. We are being sent by his Spirit to do his work. And I am so thankful for the times of refreshment where I can work alongside some of those closest to me. But I can also be thankful for the times that we are sent out; the times that we are apart. Because we’ve not in heaven yet, so it’s not time to always be with all the ones that we love. And we are not alone. The Spirit that began the work in us does not leave us alone, and God's people are everywhere. Love itself is in our hearts. In the meantime, let us “watch and work and love and sing and pray,” as we “run to the darkness.” If you managed to read this entire thing, it's the honest truth. A little piece of my heart. I want to encourage what is good, and beautiful, and true. Use the talents God has given you. Let us carry the candles we were given, and let us go and light our world.

"Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works, and glorify our Father in Heaven."

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 18:52:51 GMT

"It was a day like any other in our search to find the truth
We turned so many musty pages in our hope to find some clue
Then the words lept from the parchment: from Jacob shines a star
That a worldless one who with a word will be worth a journey far.

We will find him, we will find him, we will follow his star
We will search and we will follow, no matter how far
In castles, through kingdoms, we know where to start
To find the King whose kingdom is the heart.

It was a night like any other, so cold and black and dark
And it told us all to clearly of the night inside our hearts
Then the star tore through the darkness and like and angel shone
To guide us to that one true Light, who became flesh and bones.

We will find him, we will find him, we will follow his star
We will search and we will follow, no matter how far
In castles, through kingdoms, we know where to start
To find the King whose kingdom is the heart.

He stilled our secret syllables and hushed our wisest words
In the silence of the stable there, was wisdom finally heard

We have found him, we have found him, we have seen the true Light!
What was darkness, what was shadow, in his presence is delight.
This one born so lowly, the heavens declare will someday reign without a rival there."

Friday, November 03, 2006

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 23:07:33 GMT

A handful of dust, a worthless piece of clay
And you breathed the breath of heaven
Then there was a soul 
The heart, the hands, the voice that could sing of your perfection
Life is a symphony that only you can play
You know I can hear it through the madness everyday

Virtuoso, virtuoso
This heart is your instrument 
This life is your song
Virtuoso

There isn’t a note of mediocrity
In all of your creation and all the beauty
We create with human hands is only imitation
Thunder crashes, waves crescendo on the sand
The wind that’s whispering can only be your hand

Virtuoso, virtuoso
This heart is your instrument 
This life is your song
Virtuoso

A timeless melody of beauty and emotion 
Perfect harmony inspiring true devotion
No one else can play its chords so graceful yet so strong
You made the instrument and wrote the song 

Virtuoso, virtuoso
This heart is your instrument 
This life is your song

I love these girls

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 05:29:04 GMT

Keeping Perspective

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 21:18:31 GMT

It's so very easy to get overwhelmed by work. Especially right now, as we are approaching, or in the middle of mid terms. Schoolwork, activites, sleep deprivation, and caffeine are all hitting a high. Thoughts of "I don't want to do school," have been running through my head the past couple of days as I've been wading through my list of work. Even now, I am faced with 200 pages of reading, 2 essays, and a mid term to study for...all needing to be done by 10:30 am tomorrow morning. Tempted to be overwhelmed? Definitly. Easy to lose focus? Check. But I'm seeing that it is all about keeping it in perspective. Right now, the long term perspective is allowing me to deal with the here and now. Though it can be dangerous to 'live for tomorrow', if we neglect today, I think perspective allows you to balance the here and now, with the there and then. As I came back to my room after lunch, my music playlist had brought me to "Your Praise Will Never Cease," a song by the people of Sovereign Grace Music (which I want to add, is all amazing music).

There’s an ancient song

That’s sung anew

By the ones who live

To worship You

Like a river it runs

Through every age

Driven by the glory

Of Your grace

Chorus

And when we’ve sung Your praise

For a thousand years

We’ll have just begun to sing

For Your throne will reign

Through eternity

And Your praise will never cease

It will never cease

To the One who caused

All things to be

To the One who

Rules in sovereignty

We declare our joy

In You our King

And delight in being

Your redeemed

"And when we've sung your praise for a thousand years, we'll have just begun to sing" I heard that, and I remember perspective. I remember the eternal goal that I am working towards, and I am reminded that I have purpose in my life. I want to be effective, and live to the utmost, and I realize again that I am in school because their is where i believe God has directed me for this time in my life. Suddenly, I again have purpose in my studies. Though we are in the moment, each day, we are being prepared a little more for eternity. And that makes everything else worthwhile, and yet inconsequential at the same time.

Don't forget the reason we study, and live and move and breath. It's not for ourselves; it's not just for this life. It is for the glory of God, and the praise of Jesus Christ. Let us strive to let the love of Christ shine in our relationships, in our studying, indeed, our whole lives.

"When morning gilds the skies, my heart awakening cries, 'May Jesus Christ be praised.' Alike at work and prayer, to Jesus I repair, may Jesus Christ be praised."

i am almost embaressed to post nothing but uesless information

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 23:26:15 GMT

We won't talk about how much I am not sleeping, we won't talk about the hundreds of pages of reading going on this week. But I think that I may have broken my toe, the toe right next to my little toe on my left foot. Today at gymnastics, I had this weird 'floppy' sensation in my foot, and I looked down to see my toe looking a little weird. It bends the wrong way, and it will wiggle almost like a loose tooth. Maybe that was tmi. Anyway, the health center couldn't see me today, so Ill call tomorrow for an appointment.

Today was basically one of the most ridiculous days I've had in a very long time. For lunch, I was eating chunks of iceberg lettuce dipped in fat free ranch dressing because I didn't have time to put my on my salad that I took out of the cafe so that I coudl hurry up and read more Luther.

Study tips by Amy and Julia: a really good reading motiviation comes in the form of goldfish crackers. Reward yourself with one gold fish per page that you have read. An additional fun game is to see how long you can make one gold fish last. I have managed to read two paragraphs before it disintegrated in my mouth. So far I haven't made it to a page yet. Also, the promise of getting a drink of water or going to the bathroom is a great motivator. My favorite quote from today, from Amy:

"You know you're in college when you reward yourself by going to the bathroom."

NOw I'm walking around my dorm in my snowflake pj's and a green t-shirt with monkies on it. Actually, I' mnot walking, I am sitting right now, but oh! I just remembered my laundry...

e-mail addresses

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 07:57:59 GMT

Last Saturday, the hard drive on my computer crashed, so I lost all of the information on it, including all of my emails addresses (oh, and pictures, some music, and this semester's schoolwork. Definitly not the funnest event ever). So, if you could do me a favor and just drop me an email just so I can have your address, that would be great. I want to start rebuilding my address book.

Thanks!

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 23:18:25 GMT

"For no one is in any way disposed for divine contemplation...unless he is a man of desires. Such desires are enkindled in us in two ways: by an outcry of prayer that makes us call aloud in the groaning of our heart, and by the flash of insight by which the mind turns most directly and intently toward the rays of light.

First, therefore, I invite the reader
to the groans of prayer
through Christ crucified,
through whose blood
we are cleansed from the filth of vice-
so that he not believe that reading is sufficient without unction,
speculation without devotion,
investigation without wonder,
observation without joy,
work without piety,
knowledge without love
and understanding without humiliy,
endeavor without divine grace,
reflection as a mirror without divinely inspired wisdom.
To those, therefore, predisposed by divine grace,
the humble and the pious,
the contrite and the devout,
those anointed with the oil of gladness,
the lovers of divine wisdom, and
those inflamed with a desire for it,
to those wishing to give thmselves
to glorifying, wondering at and even savoring God,
I propse the following considerations
suggesting that the mirror presented by the external world
is of little or no value
unless the mirror of our soul
has been cleaned and polished.

Therefore, man of God,
first exercize yourself in remorse of conscience
before you raise your eyes
to the rays of Wisdom reflected in our mirrors,
lest perhaps from gazing upon these rays
you fall deeper into a pit of darkness."