****blogged by http://www.xanga.com/xAnaBeautifulx ****

Ashlee Michelle

7/25/1988-10/30/04

This will be by far the hardest thing i have ever had to write. In case ur wondering how i have Ash's password, i helped her make her Xanga so her password is the same as mine. And please, if this doesn't make complete sense, try and understand. I keep breaking down in tears becuz i really really really dont wanna write this, but i feel i need to. I'll put it into two sections, one is a letter from me to Ashlee and another is a blog to everybody who knew her or wishes to leave there regards..i'll put that part first..i guess *takes deep breath* Here i go:

An hour or so ago, Ashlee's mom called my house to tell me the thing i have been dreading for months: my darling, my gorgeous, MY FUCKING PERFECT ashlee has passed away. Her heart could finally not take anymore, and she had a heart attack (heart failure? im not really sure) in the middle of the nite. Her mom wasn't home then, and if she was its not like she would have been able to hear her. She weighed 60 pounds and was 5'8. Maybe i should tell u how i kno Ashlee first, so u dont think im just friends with her from xanga. Ashlee used to live in arizona and we used to dance together. We'd grown quite close over the years, but then suddenly her parents decided to move her to California this year (i think her dad got some kind of job offer..her mom doesn't work). I kno she said she lives in La Jolla, but she really doesn't. She only said that in case somebody from her school happened to come across her Xanga. But now i guess i can tell u becuz i dont think Ash would care..she actually lived in Montclair (spelling?), California. Whenever one of us was in the other's state, we would always hang out. We talk on the fone all the time, and talk online occasionally. Ok i dont kno wut else to say..im so sorry i just cant think straight. I loved Ashlee like a sister, she was one of the two people who actually "knew me". God i just dont kno wut to say..how do i put into words all these things running through my head, all my memories of me and Ash together? And i wasn't even there with her when she passed on. I just dont kno if u realize how incredibly precious Ashlee was to me..i would give anything to be able to hug her at least one more time, or at least to hear her voice. But i'll never be able to again. Becuz fucking ana took her from me. That goddamn bitch ana, the one that i practically worship, took my precious Ashbear from me. So i guess thats it. For this section. Next, my letter to Ashlee.

Ashlee-

I dont kno how to put into words wut u meant to me. U were my world, u were the one who was always there for me. We cried and laughed together. We've been suffering together for years. And now we're separated. Forever. Ashlee, u promised u wouldn't let Ana consume u like this. Ashlee, u fucking lied to me, u said u'd never leave me and now u did. Now im alone. The only time i can ever see u is in a casket being lowered into the ground. I can never hug u again, i can never tickle u in that ticklish spot u have right below ur rib and hear u laugh. I'll never have that again. Ever. Wut im going through without u now is worse than death. Ashbear, i fucking will never stop loving u. When i wake up in the morning, i'll look up into heaven and give u a good morning hug. When i go to sleep at nite, i'll look up into heaven and give u a goodnite kiss. I would give anything to have u back. ANYTHING. U were like the twin sister i never had. And now ur gone..my tiny, frail, beautiful angel is gone. Ashlee, i just want u to kno that i will never forget u. Every second of everyday i will remember and miss u. Becuz by keeping a part of u with me, i will never let u be totally gone. Remember those friendship bracelets we made? I'll wear mine until my dying day. I just hope that ur up in heaven, watching over me, and staying with me always and forever. Ashlee Michelle, i love u with all my heart and will never ever stop missing u. I love u sweety

<33 Tori

In case you didn't know, Ashley (anaslave) has passed away. Apparantly there are some people who left rude comments on her site, suggesting it was fake. If you were one of those people and are currently subscribed to my site, I suggest you unsubscribe from my site immediately you ignorant bitch. I cried for her, even though I didn't know her. Reading her site, I could tell she was in a lot of pain. I don't blame her at all for committing suicide. I hope she has finally found peace. RIP Ashley <3

Reading that Ashley has died is not only tragic, but very scary. Weird coincidence that we share the same name, although it is spelled differently. It just made me realize something: I will die from Anorexia. I've dug myself too far into this hole to get out, and trying just buries me further. I physically cannot eat. I'm at 64/63.5. In my last entry I said I was thinking about eating 1/3 of a red delicious apple, well that didn't happen. I cut the apple into thirds, washing my hands right after because I didn't want to absorb any calories because the apple juice was on my hands. Put the extra 2/3 in a plastic Glad container in the fridge. I wanted to eat that third of the apple, I really really REALLY did. But i just couldn't. Looking at it, the disgusting, almost slimy surface of the apple, it made me sick. And I know if I would've eaten it, I would've ended up puking it up anyways, so why bother? I get stared at and talked about wherever I go. I rarely go anywhere but to school because I'm tired of feeling so inferior. Anorexia has completley consumed my life. I'm actually looking forward to death. It's got to be better than this hell of a life I live. Maybe if my parents cared things would be different. But they're hardly ever home, they don't give a shit about me. Probably will be happy when I'm dead. One less thing to worry about. They don't care that most people weigh more than twice as much as me. They don't care that I cut my wrists to the point where I pass out from the pain. They don't fucking care, so why should I?

So now, anorexic_barbie_doll is "a_one_of_a_kind_ana". If any of you are wondering why I refuse to drop my argument with anorexic_barbie_doll (also goes by just_your_average_teenager, yes this is the same girl), it's because of that last paragraph I just wrote. Anorexia has made me more depressed than I thought possible. I don't understand why somebody would want this life. Do you know what it's like to know that certain death awaits you? I'm not an idiot, I know Anorexia isn't healthy but I cannot fucking help it. This is my life.

I'm sorry, I really want to comment on all your sites, but to be honest I don't have the energy. Even though I don't know you, I love you all and you mean so much to me. Thank you for liking me despite my flaws. But girls, please be careful. Try not to let your weight get too low. Try and stay healthy, please? We don't need to lose anyone else

~Ashlee~

CW: 64

First of all, thank you so much to Ana_inanna for making a public apology to me. That shows such strong character, and it meant a lot. Thanks! Second, thank you to everyone that left supportive comments. I was ready to stop posting, but it doesn't seem like you girls want me to. You're all the greatest, thanks for having faith in me. Well I still haven't eaten anything, I'm thinking of having 1/3 of a red delicious apple a little later tonight. I love red delicious apples, they're so juicy and, well, delicious! Lol. I'm really craving bread right now for some reason, like a baguette with butter would be so tasty right now. I'm actually in somewhat of a good mood right now, not really sure why but I am. Last night I was feeling so depressed though, and I just cried and cried the entire night in my bed. It's just that with Ana, I'm miserable, but without her, I'm even more miserable. It's like I can't win. I'm just stuck in misery. Ok, well enough of my depression. Moving on to something else that's really been bother me.

So, you wanna know a girl who is an actual faker? Go to this site then: http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=anorexic_barbie_doll She has pictures that are supposedly her, but I've seen one of the pictures on AnaCouture's site, and it's of a supermodel named Sara Z. Don't believe me, well here's the link, Sara's pic is in the center:

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=AnaCouture&nextdate=10%2f14%2f2004+20%3a42%3a47.110&direction=n

Here's a comment that was left on this girl's site, and after reading it, it makes a lot of sense:

you say you're a 'true ana'.. you have been anorexic for all of a month or something.  not long anyway.  i know people who have been anorexic for years and they don't treat the disease in the same way as you.  their outlook is totally different, and they don't speak about Ana in the same way as you.  Also, your weightloss is seemingly ridiculous.  you appear to have dropped something like 40lbs in a month or something.  i really don't think that's possible.. maybe i'm wrong?  also, the pictures you posted of 'yourself' at 88lbs or whatever, were almost definitely not you.  i saw the same picture as the second one of 'you' on someone else's xanga, and it was a picture of a model called Sara, not a girl called Kylie. Another thing is your birthdate.  it changed recently.  your first one had you at twelve years, and your location was different.. and now you're 15 or whatever, and in Germany.  What's going on? The truth would be nice.

Posted 10/22/2004 at 2:42 PM by Bro_keN

I didn't know that this girl has only been Ana for about a month, becuz i guess i made my site after she made hers. There's no fucking way you can get down to 60 pounds in a month. I promise, I am speaking from experience. Now I know this seems a little ironic, almost like "the pot calling the kettle black" because I was recently dealing with accusations that my site is fake, but I have actual proof. And if u just read through her site, it doesn't make sense. I know there's a definite chance I'm gonna get a lot of shit for writing this, but I really don't care. I felt it needed to be written. Anyway, there's my daily rant. Stay strong girls!

~Ash-uh-leey~

CW: fluctuating between 64.5/65

Nothing eaten since last post except for gum, which I limit to one piece per day (green Orbit)

**mistake on my stats posted on the left side of this site: my HW is NOT 101 (I wish) it's 121. I always check my typing because I mistype all the time because I have difficulties concentrating on what I want to type, but I guess that error slipped past me. another reason why it takes me so long to update, typing up one entry takes an hour because I always mistype and I always write long entries

Thank you to all the sweet girls that left me nice comment, y'all are the best! To the bitches that left rude comments, fuck you. I think my favorite was the one from Ana_Inanna saying I'm a faker. And here's the entry she felt the need to post in her Xanga, and a comment somebody left her that apparantly doubts me as well:

Hmmm I just posted on a girls site saying I thought she was a faker...and I do think that...I've never posted on anyones site saying that, but there was just something about this girl that made me think ok this is bullshit. She claims to be 66 pounds at 5'8...which is a BMI of about 10...now I know girls who have been as low as that and lower and they have been almost bedridden or at least have had a lot of trouble walking and she's claiming that her mother asked if she was losing weight (hello I think it would be obvious) and when she weighed her she had 20 pounds strapped to her legs to trick the scale...I'm sorry but I find it hard to believe, based on girls who have actually been as low as this girl claims, that you would be able to carry 20 pound weights on your legs and walk at a BMI that low. Why the hell do people want to fake a disease???Attention maybe??? It's not exactly doing the people who are really struggling with an ED any favours...how are we supposed to be taken seriously with our battles when you have people pretending and shit like that. I don't know whether I'm angry at her or just really pity her....probably pity. There's another girl around as well who I do believe is Anorexic, I just don't believe her height and weight....she's posted pictures and yeah I seriously doubt she's as thin as she claims to be..I mean yeah she's very thin and gaunt but noway is she as small as what she says...I've compared her pictures to someone else of the same height and weight and even taking into account frame size difference I have to say she's a good 10-20 pounds heavier than what she's claiming...

	i know exctly who you're you're talking about does she go by the name *anatildeath* or something like that?  i must agree with you; i doubt she is really as thin as she claims to be.  i mean, 5'10 & 65lbs? gimme a break!
	Posted 10/16/2004 at 6:10 PM by Narcissistic_Martyr

I feel so insulted that somebody would doubt me. Anorexia (or really any eating disorder) is not a joking matter, it hurts me to read comments like that. You bitches don't fucking know me, you don't know what I've been through, you don't know what my life is like. And that part about my mother commenting on my weight loss really pisses me off, because maybe if this girl knew my living situation she might understand. My parents are rarely home. My father is a workaholic and is always either at work or on business trips. My mother is what I consider to be a "borderline alcoholic" and is always out drinking with her friends. Do you know what it's like to come to the realization, at 8-years-old, that your parents don't love each other? Basically my whole life I've never really had a family. My parents only stay together because they're afraid what people would say if they got divorced. My mother has had several affairs, and half the time I think my father's "business trips" are really just vacations he spends with other women. I honestly know that I was a mistake and my parents never meant to have children, and I honestly know that they don't care about me. About me not being able to walk with twenty pounds of weight strapped to my legs (ten on each, I'm not sure if people got the impression i mean 20 on each leg because there would be no way I could walk with 40 pounds of weight on my legs), it's called caffeine pills. I would have next to no energy without those. To be honest, I have neither the patience nor the energy to try and explain myself for everything that this girl has accused me of. If I get many more of these comments I'm going to delete my Xanga, because I started it to get support, not criticism. It just really really hurts me that anyone thinks I'm a fake, because ana has entirely taken over me life and it has taken me so long to get where I am. Ana is the one thing in my life that I'm good at, but what's the point if no one believes me. I have no friends, essentially no family, nothing except for Ana. I hate Ana so fucking much, and yet i love Ana because without her, I would be fat. My BMI now is 9.9, but what's the point in even posting anymore. The more I think about it, the more I think there's no point in maintaining this site if all people are going to do is call me a liar. My ana friend (from my old state) told me about how great xanga is and how supportive the girls are, so I decided to make one. But what's the point if people think it's a fake site? I know I just went on about this, but I really felt I needed to explain to any of the girls that DO actually believe me why i might stop posting.

Currently Playing Creep By Radiohead see related

I know it has been awhile since I posted, but I was determined not to post until I lost another pound. Thankfully, that finally happened. Down to 66.5, not just a pound lost but a half as well! I haven't eaten anything since the last post, but I stopped counting the hours. I'm usually fasting anyways, so what's the point in driving myself crazy with counting and recounting the time? Thank you so much to everyone that has commented. I'm sorry I haven't commented back yet, I'm still trying to get used to this whole Xanga thing. I just have had no energy lately, but I will eventually get around to commenting, I swear. Well I know a lot of you have been asking me to post pictures, and I would be more than happy to but I have two rather large problems. 1) I don't have a digital camera (or scanner) and 2) I don't know how. I think that Problem #1 will be solved soon because I'm getting a digital camera after weeks of bothering my mom about it. But can somebody please tell me how to post pictures without having premium? I would greatly appreciate it. I've been watching America's Next Top Model every week, and I was really hoping there would be an ED girl on it; I'm so glad Cassie came out! But I want Toccara (the plus-sized chick) gone. A model is supposed to be thin; she is NOT supposed to have fat rolls. I wish they would've picked that one really thin girl (Amy, I think? I don't quite remember her name) instead of Toccara. Tocarra is a nasty 180 pounds at 5'9; that's not fucking attractive! I don't even think her face is that attractive either. Well enough about that, moving on...lately I have been so tired. Does anybody know anything that could give me some energy? I'm seriously considering Meth or Coke, and they make you thin as well so that's a double plus right there. I suppose I'm lucky my parents aren't around that much so they don't notice my ED really. I don't know where my mother is half of the time, and my dad is a workaholic. And when they do comment on it, there's ways around it. Take yesterday, for example:

Mom: Ashlee are you losing weight?

Me: No actually I've been gaining like crazy lately.

Mom: Well then would you mind weighing yourself in front of me?

Me: Not at all. Can I go put on a different outfit though, this one will add at least 2 pounds?

Mom: (gives me a weird look) Hurry.

So i go into my room and get my ankle weights which conveniently fit around my lower thigh which is hidden by my pants. Change shirts, go back out. My mom is sitting in the living room with the scale ready. I step onto the scale and my mom is pleased with the 88.5 she gets. Although it's "still too low", I'm apparantly gaining and this knowledge pacifies her for now.

I'm sorry if this entry seems to jump from subject so subject. There's just a lot going through my mind and I feel the need to get it all out. I know I've already asked two questions, but here's my third: what do you do to prevent blackouts? I blackout/faint when I fast for awhile, and I was wondering if there was anything you might know of that would prevent that from happening, especially because I have to deal with school? Oh and I know a lot of you have been asking for tips on fasting, etc., and I'll post some of my personal favorites in my next entry. I love you girls so much, thank you for being so supportive! You're all so beautiful, and it's great to finally be able to freely talk about my ED. I need to get my ass to bed so I can wake up for school tomorrow.

-cheekbone kisses and bony hugs-