Once again I fail at updating haha.

Well a lotta shit has been goin down...weightloss, weightgain, suicidal thoughts, happy thoughts, got a job, family issues...problem problems problems...........whatever.... I guess im happy. Like I always yell these days when it becomes too much "ORKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!".....perfect word for right now tsss....(yeah its swedish)

Hmm...But one thing that kinda scares me is that  i almost look as skinny as i did at my lowest weight....i could be the muscles...but then again....i must have been much smaller.....cuz i weigh a lot..............what eh fuck. i cant see myself in the mirror....and i've stopped asking people how i look, because its always different answers  and it doesnt matter what they say. im still ugly and im still fat................... haha...

but then again...

im fucking fabulous......... ego-2000

haha

Hmmm i need to update more sorry

ANyway a lot has happened....people know about my ED now....but that just makes me wanna lose more weight muahahahaha

46 kg here i come.

this year its gonna happen ;)

56 kg..

Woohoo! Haven't been that low since like....in march :)

But oh man so much is happening...a lot in school. and shit....I'll tell you people about it later..........

My apitite is pretty much gone right now..................i like it

Bought a BUNCH of different kinds of teas today...I LOVE IT!

57,6...and thats good for being a sunday...

And concidering what happened last night, i'm thankful...
Because i took herbal sleepingpills to help me fall asleep...and sure i fell asleep, but woke up cuz my boyfriend sent a sweet textmessage saying he missed me :)...how can i be mad at him for waking me up when it was so sweet? haha..:But anyway, after that i couldn't really fall asleep....
Then i started feeling really hungry...and one thing led to another and i stole like 5 pieces of bread from different people in the house MWAHAHAHAH....i'm bad!....then i ate like 3 bowls of ovaltene (sp!?)....
But i purged it all up...and finally fell asleep at 6 am.................
Slept till 10.....Whats up with me!?

Now i feel like i kinda have a cold and i  sorta hope i do so i can sleep and be sick in my room, alone....haha....and feel sorry for myself

Also i'm tryin to go HARDCORE now till Dec 7th...cuz i have a audition to the acting academy in Stockholm....I need to be prepared in both MIND and BODY...that means, no fat, no binging to fuck up my mind, learn the texts, meaning i dont have time to think about binging and food and shit. and i need to try to workout more so i feel good...plus my boyfriend is coming along on the audition so i need to feel good when i'mwith him too :)....
But i've noticed my body is kinda "stopping up"....probably because i dont drink enough water and i haven't been exercising as much as i used to...So i'm upping all that shit!

Then my plan is to not lose control after th e7th, cuz i feel it could happen...so i have promised myself to not eat candy until Christmas Eve...cuz i hope to be at a nice low weight by t hen so i can try to relax on Christmas Eve....
Also i'm only allowed to eat 4 gingerbreadcookies up until christmas and 1 big and 1 small "Lussekatt"....so i need to like spread it out nicely...cuz i mean, i want to be social and sit and be all cozy with people and eat gingerbreadcookies and shit...so since i allow myself to eat some of it, i'll get to enjoy all that shit a little at least..................................And that way i wont have a bunch of anxiety about eating that shit......
I hope you guys get what i mean...i'm bad at explaining and it all goes together nicely in my head hahaha.

Oh yeah my best friend up here said she was worried about my eating habits and was all like "dont let it go to far"...and all i was thinking was "oh fuck off, its already gone to far.....A LONG TIME AGO!"....I assured her that as long as i'm this fat there is no problems haha....she said i'm not fat...and i'm on the verge of too skinny...well as long as im not too skinny in people eyes, i dont have a problem, right?
My boyfriend said the same thing, he didnt think i was anorexic looking or anything, but i was perfect and not too skinny or too fat....the way he liked it....but I WANT TO BE TOO FUCKING SKINNY! :(... I told him i want to lose more weight and he said that he wont stop me if its that i want, but that he doesnt think i need to lose more weight....but he hopes i wont "start with that anorexic or bulimic stuff..."
....I couldn't help but notice a weird vibe between us when he said that and the look in his eye was weird.....plus i couldn't really look him in the eyes either...it was weird....You guys think he was suspecting something....but then again...hes a guy...he doesn't care, right?.....................

Juice-fast= Success!
It's a mirecal! I've never been able to do a fast like that without fucking up or something...but yesterday went really well :)
And i feel lighter and a bit more pure today....So i can't fuck it up today...cuz maybe i'll be at a good weight tomorrow when i weigh in.......

Today is halloween...man i just want to eat candy till i puke...but we dont celebrate halloween here....but i remember when i lived back in the US...i lived for halloween haha. But i want american candy...i want candy that is so sugary that you get a seizure just looking at it.................. But no no no...with that kind of thinking i'll NEVER get skinny.

I ate oatmeal for breakfast and i'll probably have chicken for lunch and then veggies for dinner....I really dont feel like fucking it up today...i can't handle that today...
But i think i'm gonna go out into the woods and take some pictures and bring along my chicken and have a one-man picnic haha...i'm so lonley...but i like it

Then i have to go to IKEA to buy a new pillow...the kind thats good for your neck...and then i have to go buy a bunch of other shit...then i have to pack...then my aunt turns 40 so i SHOULD go and visit her, but i dont feel like it since there'll be too much cookies..............In other words, my quest of becoming thin is more important then family....IT'S SAD.

Oh well we'll see how today goes....