AnatomyOfThisGirl's Xanga

Friday, June 13, 2008

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 01:02:32 GMT

I don't come here often. In fact, it has been a long time since I have been here, but I need to write. My friend Colin (the co-author of a great book called You, Me, and Morrissey) told me once that you need to write through the pain. Tonight, there is a whole lot of writing to do.

I have been trying to be strong. I have been trying to be positive. I know that I did what I had to do. I know that part of being a mother is making decisions that are difficult, and that sometimes that hardest decisions to make are the ones that hurt us the most. Inside, though, I am dying. When I go to the microwave and can hear Sophia saying, "Order UP!" when she took her turn cooking. Cooking with me is something she loved to do. When I sit down to watch Bryce play a video game and imagine Xander sitting next to him, watching him, and asking to play his Cars game over and over again. When I pick up their room and see their toys - the toys they were told not to take with, to erase every bit of their life here with me. Xander chasing me down with hugs and kisses obsessively. I feel bad about the times I shoo-ed him away, the times I told him to go play, the times that I should have been holding onto him tight. I just never imagined them back in his care. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. It does me no good. I miss doing Sophia's hair and the big hugs she gave me. I miss her telling me that she loves me super duper much and that I am the best mom in the world. I miss the way she felt, sitting on my lap.

I feel like I have been robbed by the justice system. No. I feel like I have been brutally raped. I can say that. I feel that there is no justice in family law because if there was, they would really give a damn about kids instead of about the legalities and jurisdiction.

I am so angry. He left them and when he did, I picked up where he couldn't. I loved them. They thrived with me. They were happy. He didn't call. He didn't write. He didn't visit. And there they are, with him.

I got to talk to them on Tuesday. That was the first scheduled phone visitation. They sounded great. The conversation was forced. He had us on speaker phone and they were driving to the grocery store. That is against the agreement. Neither one of us can listen in on the call. He cut my conversation with them short, by half of what I was allowed. Another break in the agreement. Later he harassed me by text message. Violation number three. What was I thinking when I believed he would have the maturity to follow a plan we both worked together on? He has no maturity at all. He doesn't love those kids. Those kids are his way of not having to pay child support, of getting back at me for leaving, for being happy.

When I want to hear their voice, I go to my phone. Before they left, I recorded both of them saying something to me. I hear Xander saying I love you over and over again.I hear Sophia telling me she is going to miss me. All I want is to hear their voices.

Tonight I was supposed to have my second phone visitation with the kids. I called at 6:00 and no answer. I called at 6:03 and no answer. No answer at 6:07. No answer at 6:10. No answer at 6:22. 6:30 came, the time when my visitation was over, and again, no answer. I should have known better.

I try not to be sad around Emily. When she does hear me, she says, "Mom, you still have me."

Yes, babygirl, I still do have you.

I am getting nervous. No sign of the papers that were supposed to be sent to me. Everyone involved knows a settlement has been agreed upon. The GAL, his lawyer, everyone. Before I would release the children I made sure he called my cell phone and left a message stating that he was agreeing to the settlement in place. I wrote a letter ot his attorney asking where exactly in the process we are, since this should have been resolved this week. he had everything he needed to take to the courthouse. He just didn't do it.

I feel so worn.

It is because I didn't get to talk to them tonight. It is becuase it triggered in me, August thru November, before a court order was in place, when I didn't get to talk to them. The pain. The hurt. I didn't have Emily then, though, and I do now. That is good. I have Emily now.She is safe and she is really thriving. It has been fun with her. She is such a cool kid.

Please, Lord, give me strength. Help me be strong.

Rest In Peace, Mom

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 23:51:53 GMT

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavour by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.
Washington Irving

Dear Mom,

April 22 marks that anniversary of your departure from this world until the next. I remember that day, two years ago, when the phone rang and the nurse told me that Dad needed to talk to me. I remember hearing Dad say Mandi with such pain in his voice. I remember hearing him hold back the tears and I remember him letting them all out. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe you were gone. Sometimes now I can't believe it either.

There are so many times that I wish you were here. No matter what difficulties I was going through, I knew I could depend on you. You were my best friend and when I was no longer able to call you every day to tell you what Emily was doing now, to ask for advice on how to cope with my life, or just hearing that someone out there loved me no matter how badly I was hurting inside, something died with me when you did. You gave me courage. You gave me strength. I escaped. It is because of you that I was able to.

You were such a good lady, Mom. I couldn't even call you a woman, because you were more than that. The way that everyone - EVERYONE - cared about you and how you were so kind, even when you really didn't want to be. All of the lessons you taught me about the quality of people in my life being more important than the quantity of people in my life. The way you told me to just listen to what was inside and how you would always tell me that when it ws supposed to work, it just would. You held my hand when Zachary died. You wiped away my tears. And when I spiraled down a dark and horrible path, you sprinted after me and blocked me from going down the path any further. You lived life with grace.

I admit, Mom, sometimes I am angry. I am only 31 years old and I feel so alone in this world. YOU are supposed to be here to guide me and teach me, to help me cross over that bridge from girl to woman. I feel like such a girl. I feel like I don't know how to be a woman. I wish you were hear to grant me your guidane and show me the way. I wish you were here on the days where it all feels like too much and I just need someone to tell me that I am strong and that I will make it through it and the burden isn't too heavy. I wish you were here to wipe away the tears and hug me and hold me and just make it all feel better. I wish you were here. I wish you were here.

You should see the kids now, Mom. They have grown so much. Emily is such an amazing little girl and she has gone through such horrible things, and despite that, she still tries to make people feel good and smile. She has so much love to give despite the pain and fear she feels continuously. She is so smart. She is such a talented artist. She is such a good girl. You would be really proud of her and how she is holding her head up high, investing in those she knows are worth it, and separating from those she knows that aren't. He hurt her, Mom. He hurt her and his cousin hurt her. It is so hard to see her go through that. It is so hard to see how badly she feels about herself and to see her nights terrorized by dreams of him. But she carries on, she smiles, and she fights. She fights with all her might like you fought and fought and fought. And Sophia! Sweet, sweet Sophia. She is such an incredibly intelligent little girl, wanting to know what her sister is learning and learning her kindergarten lessons along side Emily's second grade lessons. She always begs for me to teach her math and to read and to spell and she loves the monkey bars and is stronger than all of the boys in the grade above her. She has such an understanding of emotions and feelings and what is good and what is bad and what she is going to allow herself to feel. And she is kind and appreciative and so beautiful inside and out. And then little Xander. He looks so much like Zachary, at times, ti scares me. He is such a sweet boy, always wanting to spend time with his mom and telling me how much he loves me and how happy he is that he has me. He loves video games now, which is both a curse and a gift. He loves to spell and he will ask me how to spell words when we are watching television or when we are int he car driving and he would rather have a notebook and pen and draw and spell than have a Hot Wheels on the floor. He is protective of me and his sisters and is reading to go kick the bad guys butts. They are all amazing and I wish you were here to know and see the people and the personalities they have turned in to.

I am doing great, Mom. I am actually happy. Really happy. I escaped him and all of the emotional games that came with him. I built my own life on my terms. I finally moved to the South and live in New Orleans and for the first time in my life, I actually feel a peace and happiness that I always wished I could have but didn't believe really existed, at least not for people like me. I have a home now. Not just a house, but a home. I have the kids with me and am doing my best to be to them what you were to me. I love it here.

I wish you could have met Bryce. He is absolutely incredible. He is the most intelligent, funny, sarcastic, handsome, kind, caring, loving, understanding, and supportive person that I have ever known. He is my best friend in this world and I am lucky that my best friend also loves me to no end. He is really good to me. He treats me so well. Although he isn't Irish, he has the loyalty of the Irish. He wants to honor me and to take care of me for the rest of my life. He is a great father to the kids, better than they have ever known, and he takes care of them because he loves them like they were his. And he's going to be a lawyer. I know, I can't believe I ended up with one of those snakey bastards either and you can imagine how thrilled Dad was not to hear that, but he's one of the good ones. Dad actually told me to try to talk him into being a fireman or a carpender. You know how Dad is. You would know how much he loves me if you could see him look at me just once and you would know how much I love him back if you were able to see me do the same. I finally fill full, Mom.

I wonder if you are with Zachary right now. I cry for the two of you. Twelve years this year since he has been gone. He'd be twelve this year, which I cannot believe, but it's true. And you have his bear with you. That makes my heart smile.

Things are really difficult right now, with what the children have gone through and with what J keeps putting all of us through. There are so many times I have said this thing would all be easier if you were just here. It would be because I would know that you were in my corner, believing in me, knowing I could keep them safe. And now it is all in the hands of some stranger that I have not even met before and it just seems so wrong. I know that you would be able to make this all make sense to me in the way that you could always make everything make sense to me.

I think that you would be proud of me, though. I am writing and you know how important that was to me, even if you did tell me it was a bit of a pipe dream, I am making it happen. I think you would be proud of the person I have turned into and the mother than I am. I think you would be proud of the partner and soon wife I am to Bryce as well. I am really lucky that I had you as an example and someone to strive to be like because you made it all work and you made it all seem so effortless.

I want you to know that today, April 22, I think of you. Today, I honor you.

I Love You. I miss you. I remember you.

Mandi

"Brad Paisley - When I Get Where I am Going"

When I get where I'm goin'
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

2nd Verse

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop 'a rain

Chorus

Yeah, when I get where I'm goin'
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah, when I get where I'm goin'
Don't cry for me down here

3rd Verse

I'm gonna walk with my Grandaddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I've missed him
Every minute since he left
And then I'll hug his neck

(Repeat Chorus)

Bridge

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
And so much work to do

Tag Chorus

But when I get where I'm goin'
And I see my Maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of His amazing grace
Yeah, when I get where I'm goin'
(Oh when I get where I'm goin')
There'll be only happy tears
(I love you, yeah)
I will love and have no fear
(Yeah, when I get where I'm goin')
Yeah, when I get where I'm goin'

Quack, Quack

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 01:41:11 GMT

Be like a duck. Calm on the outside, but paddling like the dickens underneath. - Micheal Caine

I canot believe that it is already the 19th of April. Could someone please tell me where the time goes, because I have absolutely no idea? I am happy that it is the 19th of April. Resolve is nearly a month away.

The Viking and I have a new addiction together. A few weeks ago I went to GameStop and picked up a used copy of a game called Bully. We have spent a lot of really great time with one another after the children go to bed, sitting side-by-side, progressing through the game together, taking turns. It has led to a lot of really great conversations and, most importantly, an appreciation for the strong friendship that we have with one another. We dont' just love each other, we like each other, too. I have felt great peace at night with him, connecting and reconnecting over and over, laughing and flirting with each other. I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I feel blessed to be loved the way that he loves me. I feel blessed that we have built this life together in New Orleans for us and my children. He has proven to not only be everything that I wanted and needed in a partner, but those things I didn't now that I wanted and needed. Life has a really funny way of working out, doesn't it?

Cleo has had a difficult time as of late and that phase seems to have passed. I worry about her, my delicate little flower, and all that she has experienced. She seems to me working through things, though, in her Cleo sort of way. Her and I had a sleep over in the living room last night. By the time her brother finally fell asleep, though, so did she. I think that perhaps next weekend -- Friday night a sleepover with Cleo, Saturday a sleepover with Princess Pythons.

The Former called on Saturday. I find it odd that he hasn't spoken with the children for over 2 1/2 months and the day after speaking with the Guardian ad Litem appointed for the children, he decides to call. The call lasted 4 1/2 minutes. The kids really didn't have much to say or much interest in saying it if they did. He talked to Car Bomb for only a few seconds, mostly Car Bomb telling him about all the cool things that they have done here in New Orleans. He then talked to Princess Python for the remainder of the time - asking her about school and everything. He tried baiting her, telling her "We have crabs and lobsters now." meaning that him and the kids had them up in Wisconsin. She is so disconnected from him, though, that she asked, "You do?" not even considering that he was talking plurally about him and the kids. She ended the conversation abruptly with a , "Let's go play" to Xander and a quick good bye to him. The line went silent and then he asked - yes, he had the nerve to ask - to speak with Cleo. I told him that Cleo did not want to speak to him. He then hung up. I contacted him by text message, telling him we could still work something out between us instead of having a third party decide and he said it was up to the GAL now. This made me feel good, knowing he is going to abide by the recommendation of the GAL instead of fitting it and dragging it on further.

It makes me sad for the children, however, his lack of involvement in their lives. Do not get me wrong, I truly believe that the children are in a better place by not having a relationship with him. It disturbs me, though, that he just pops in and out with phone calls when he suddenly remembers that he has children and offers no consistency for the children.

Why is he fighting me for physical placement of the children again?

Since the phone call, however, there have been some behavioral issues with Car Bomb and Princess Pythons. This, too, is disturbing to me. All I can do, though, is love them.

We finally broke down and got DirectTV. I have to say, I am loving watching tv outside of the very fuzzy broadcast stations we were getting! I caught up on a few episodes of Mythbusters and a couple of documentaries. The kids and I watched some Scooby Doo and The Flintstones and The Viking watched some Metal documentaries on VH1 Classics.

Our peach tree is beginning to fruit. It is such a cool thing for a Northern Wisconsin girl like me having a peach tree in her back yard.

I am reading Escape - which is a memoir written by a woman that escaped the FDLS church. IT is quite interesting.

That's all I got. HOpe things are well for you.

Now I'm On My Own Side

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 09:17:08 GMT

Theme song of the day: It Ends Tonight by All-American Rejects

Today is it. The first day, the first step, the first movement in finally having peace from the man that I was formerly married to. It is the genesis to my new life, the promise of a brighter tomorrow, the hope that somehow, in someway, things will all work out. The only person that can make this happen is me. Today I am on my own, standing in my truth, defending it with grace, believing that the steps I take each day are right.

Today, I gain a voice. Finally, FINALLY, someone besides family and friends will know the spectoral force of the man that haunts me, haunts my kids, and haunts my life on a near daily basis. Today is the day that I exercise that demon, providing proof that he exists underneath his Don Juan exterior and his charming ways will do no good on anyone now. His only hope is that mercy is found on him from some force in this karmatic world. Somehow, though, I believe that even karma cannot save him. In order for karma to work to your advantage, you actually have to put something beautiful and positive into the world instead of sludge-filled hate and arrogance.

My children gain a voice today. Their fears, their insecurities, their happiness with their new life, their wants, needs, and desires all get heard. The pain they have gone through gets acknowledged, gets the understanding it deserves.

Maybe today, finally today, the rewards begin - the heartbreak had a purpose, the cruelty served as a stepping stone, the determination, motivation, and pure concern are no longer bad or unhealthy or nature's of the beast -- they are what gets us through these little moments in life when you have nothing to lose but everything at all.

Resolve

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 11:22:47 GMT

On Friday I have my phone interview with the Guardian ad Litem. Today I am finishing up my custody packet and am going to overnight it to her so that she has it in front of her on Friday. Breathe.

I am really nervous about this. I know that I am in the best interest of the kids, but it is difficult being forced to hand the power over to someone else's hands. There is something terribly wrong about that to me. Breathe.

I received in the mail the date set for this to hopefully be all done. Please, let this be done. Please give me peace. Please give my children peace. Breathe.

I am in a good place, really. I am prepared. I am confident. I am a Mama Cub trying to protect her babies. Breathe.

After Friday, I will feel like myself again without something so terribly important looming over my head.

Today I am rearranging my home. I am going through clothes. I am reading Our Band Could Be Your Life, autographed to me by the author, and I am looking up name change laws in the state of Louisiana for The Viking. I am looking for a job because, quite frankly, I need out of this house. We are going to go search for Louisiana Bar materials at the library sale.

I am trying to keep life as normal as possible.

Protected Postings

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 11:16:21 GMT

There are two protected postings below. If you aren't on my list, for some reason, let me know.

And the mud gets thrown

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 01:02:28 GMT

It is impossible to win the race unless you venture to run, impossible to win the victory unless you dare to battle - Richard M DeVos

I stepped onto my porch, staring down the mailbox, wondering if the papers drafting me into this battle had finally been delivered. I had performed this same act at the same time of the day with the same apprehension for nearly a week. I knew that it was coming. Somedays I felt relief when the only thing waiting for me were paper prayer mats from some crazy religious organziation requesting money or an advertisement from Geico addressed to "Louisiana Resident." Other days, however, I wish that it would just arrive already to spare me the anxiety, to be able to push the pause button and unpause my life and begin to live it again, to be able to give peace to my household.

And then it came.

Her name is Rita. Her specialty is family law. She graduated from law school at UW Madison School of Law. She looks about my age.

The fate of my children's life, not to be dramatic, lies in her hands. She is the Guardian ad Litem appointed by the court for the custody case. She is the one who will be deciding if being with me is really in their best interest of if returning them to Wisconsin will better serve them.

The real battle has now begun.

This letter came after I received the letter from Cleo's therapist, detailing the emotional impact of the abuse on her, how she is afraid to even go outside by herself - not knowing if she will be locked out of the house or not, "incapable of currently being able to enjoy life" is what she said. To say this letter jolted me emotionally is a bit of an understatement. Any person with the capacity to care for the welfare of another would be disturbed by this. A mother trying to protect her child, well, it becomes personal.

I KNOW without a doubt that the children's best interest is in the home of the Viking and I. That being said, I find it ridiculous that we are finding ourselves in this situation with a man that mistreated and physically, emotionally, and with one child - sexually abused these beautiful little kids.

I do not understand why we are here.

I am confident going into this. I am preparing my custody portfolio this weekend so that I can overnight it to the attorney on Monday. Thankfully we do not need to travel back to Wisconsin for the interviews - we will be doing them over the phone and we will be doing the children's interviews with Cleo's therapist. She volunteered that service - bless her. This is a good thing for the children as they are fearful of returning, scared they will have to see him, scared that they will have to stay.

Over the weekend, under the guise of protected post, I am going to post my custody portfolio. I am doing this for a few reasons - to share with those who have travelled this journey with me the depths of this, to record these thoughts so I have them to look back on a year from now, and to safeguard what I have so that if all should find itself lost at one time or another, I have a place I can retrieve it from.

I am really proud of myself - standing tall and defending the safety, well being, and security of my children.

I am really proud of myself that I have done this, with the aid of some good friends and the Viking, on my own.

I am proud of myself that finally, FINALLY, after years of being the shrinking partner and then wife, I am finally standing up to the man that destroyed the person that I once was.

I am proud that I am doing this with grace, without playing dirty, and with stating the truth.

Today, with as much anxiety as I felt holding that letter in my hand and then talking to the assistant of the Guardian ad Litem, I was strong.

And soon, finally, this will ALL be done.

Ch Ch Ch Changes

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:14:28 GMT

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.

Charles Darwin

There are so many things that I could cover in this blog post that really, I do not know where to begin! First and foremost, I am working on finding myself in a better place in my life both mentally and emotionally. Some of you were here with me a few years ago when I was going through the difficulties of deciding to stay or leave, memorializing through posts the difficulties I was facing, and in many ways, crying out for someone, anyone, to just help me. Looking back at those post, which most have now been deleted or have been made private because of custody reasons, I cannot believe that I was the girl that I was then. I do call myself a girl then because I lacked so much emotional maturity and any real skill in dealing with life because so much had become scheduled for me and I was told how to feel so often. One of the first things that I did when I left was allow myself to feel every single thing. I realized, however, that as good as that can me, that can be very counter productive as well.

At any rate, I have been taking some time to really work on me and issues that I have. I have finally allowed myself to feel anger towards the appropriate parties instead of just feeling anger and never really expressing it in any way. I am coming to terms with attitudes that I have about things - parenting, religion, alcohol, live, love, relationships. I am defining what it is that I believe exactly, instead of having a genuine idea. I am also making an effort to be better to the people in my life - not that I was a troll to them before - but I have a wonderful man and three wonderful kids and I am trying to appreciate them with the level of gratitude appropriate for the lengths of which I have been blessed. I am working on being able to meet some of my own emotional needs instead of demanding others to make things better all the time. And I am working on holding my head high, deprogramming myself from the guilt and self-loathing I developed in the course of a relationshp and marriage that lasted much too long.

I have been writing bits and pieces, but nothing like my last writing marathon. I am thisclose to finishing Nicotine up, so you will be able to read it soon. That makes me nervous - the possible judgements that are bound to be thrown my way because of the content, the struggle, and the intensity of the story itself. When it is your real life that you are writing about and putting it out there, though, a thick skin is something that you must wear. I am also working on that.

The children are doing wonderful here in New Orleans. I worry about them - they do not want to see their father and have now stopped calling him dad, even though I correct them each time they speak of him. He has had no contact since Feb 2 when he talked to Princess Pythons for a few minutes before hanging up on her on her birthday. No Easter cards, letters, or calls. I am learning that I cannot control his actions. I cannot force him to act like a father. All that I can do is love my kids, be honest with my kids, do the best that I can by them, and be thankful that they have The Viking in their lives.

I am creating a parent/child liason program and the children's school. There is no PTA, PTO, or any other type of organization there. I am working with the Board of Trustees and am actually slated to get a position there. I may be getting a salaried job through the school, acting as a teaching assistant and the parent/child liason. I am really excited about that. I miss working. I was raised to work hard and not working outside of the home is difficult.

I am at a crossroads in my life right now and I need to get back on track instead of continually finding myself stopped in pause. Although there are certain parts of my life that I do need to just wait and see, that doesn't mean I need to keep myself paused in all aspects of my life. That is also somethign else that I am working on!

The investigation into pressing legal charges against the X is going well and the Det. said that there are many things in the interview with Cleo that has his eyebrows raised - things not sexual in nature but that question the environment and the physical and emotional abuse done to the children. Cleo's therapist is writing a report on the information that Cleo has revealed during group and she is giving it to me to send to the Det. and to the Guardian ad Litem at the appropriate time. She is doing better. There is still a lot of work, but she is doing better.

Writing has been coming difficult as of late. I am very drained right now because of the emotional nature of Nicotine, but am trying to decide which direction I want to take my writing and exactly in what areas I want to fine tune the craft. Freelance. Novels only. Memoirs. Etc.

The Viking has been working hard for us and I think has come to some decisions in regards to what exactly it is that he wants to be when he grows up. : )

Although there is a lot of emotional static and chaos, this is probably the most calm that I have felt in a very long time. I am taking things one by one, step by step and just rolling with it.

I am actually pretty proud of myself for this.

At any rate, that is the skinny of life down here in the Big Easy. The weather has been beautiful outside and I am somewhat dreading having to travel up to WI for the guardian ad litem interviews and leaving this behind - if even for a few days.

This is definitely the place that I am supposed to be at.

How are you and how is life in yoru world?

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 23:08:00 GMT

Life is getting back to normal. I had every intention on creating a long and detailed post, but one of my friends contacted me through AIM and is in need of a friend right now. I will be back, however, with that long and detailed post. A lot has happened in my brief vacation from Xanga!

Drive By Blogging

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 13:34:00 GMT

I have been pretty silent this past week - partly due to a busy schedule, partly due to new work that I have gotten, partly due to decompressing. I will be back this week, however, with some great topics like what being Irish means to me in honor of my Pops and St. Pat's Day, the Internet Island topics, and a snapshot of living life in New Orleans and how I could absolutely never go back to the bitter North. I also have a few writing prompts to share.

I am doing well. Probably better than I have been emotionally in a very, very long time. I feel strong. I feel normal. I feel - well, empowered.

The family is also doing very well. : )

I hope all is going well in each of your lives and will be back to catch up and comment later today and tomorrow.