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Andrewofthecross
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Name: Andrew
Birthday: 1/5/1982
Gender: Male
Interests: Being, knowing and being known, worship (hymn singing, receiving the eucharist, etc. etc.), digging more deeply into whether or not there is a difference between "I" and "Thou"
Expertise: Procrastinating, not letting go, forgetting, having anxiety...and sometimes loving
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
12/2/2004
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| Spider KillahSo I just killed a spider. I don't know what kind it was, but when it was walking around it looked kind of like a slow moving cricket that didn't hop.
Now don't think I'm blood thirsty or like killing innocent creatures, but it was kind of nice because my wife doesn't like spiders. After I had done my duty she said I was a good bug catcher....so that made me feel good. Plus...reflecting on it, I don't think I would've liked to have had that bug crawling around and getting into Thomas' crib. So it was a good move.
I have been taking care of Thomas at night for the past 48 hours because Susanna had one of her wisdom teeth removed. She has gotten a couple of really good nights of sleep, so I'm glad that I could help. Lots and lots of Jello has been made the past couple of days. Unfortunately for her, I've eaten a lot of it! HA. (I just laughed out loud!)
Anyway, this has been my school's spring break, so we have been cleaning and cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. And cleaning. We are also painting...which is kind of like cleaning the walls....so...more cleaning. It's cool because it'll be really nice to have a house that looks somewhat nice on the inside. A textured ceiling would really finish it off, though (just kidding Susanna). But really, even though it is a poorly built house, we are making it look really good.
Not only are we cleaning the house, I spent two hours with my parents in the band room and we went crazy. We organized all of the hats and uniforms, we tightened all of the stands, we moved all of the risers and crappy stands back down to the auditorium (since the spring musical is over), and we started tackling ALL of the random pieces or music laying in and around the band office that have collected over the past 6 or 7 years. It is insane. Music out the ears. They need to have a class in college called "Organizational Techniques for Band Directors"...seriously, this stuff is out of control. I am a messy person, but I can proudly say that I did not create this mess.
In other news, Thomas is eating solid food pretty regularly now! Very exciting. He likes peaches....a lot.
Finally, I am reading a great book. It has a lot of meaning for me. It's one of those books that I will want to read again and again and again. Unfortunately, I got it through Interlibrary loan so it has to go back soon. (Not that interlibrary loan is unfortunate...quite the opposite...Interlibrary loan makes it possible to read ANY book....absolutely free). I think I might buy this book eventually kids. It's just that good....just so I can read it over and over. Then I'll donate it to the library when I'm done with it so other people in this area can read it for free whenever they want AND recheck it out when they need to. It's listed as the book I'm currently reading if anyone wants to check it out. It's called "Halfway Up the Mountain: The Error of Premature Claims to Enlightenment" by Mariana Caplan.
What I find most amazing about the book is that people talk using a certain vocabulary that no one that I talk to really uses....
words like Kundalini Energy, Enlightenment, Mystical Experiences....people don't really TALK about those things because there's no context in which to bring them up. So it's quite amazing, refreshing, and inspiring.
Anyway...that's all for now. It's been a very refreshing spring break. Even the cleaning...and the spider killing.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Andy | | |
| A Long Time Ago......I used to write in here.
So an extremely quick update for all the inquiring minds out there in internet land(t). (just a note...these are in chronological order and by no means in order of the value I placed or do place on each event).
Since I last wrote over a year ago:
-I went to Disney World and spent New Years in the Magic Kingdom!
-I got MARRIED! Susanna (the girl I mentioned in my last post) and I got married early in 2007 and we spent our spring break/honeymoon on the amazingly beautiful white sandy beaches of Siesta Key, Florida.
-Over the summer, I was again the local pool director for the outdoor pool in Rensselaer.
-I went to my first two Irish Festivals.
-I played Euphonium in "Urinetown: The Musical."
-I read the entire Harry Potter series for the first time.
-I took my final two college classes in the summer and graduated with a music performance degree and philosophy minor from Saint Joseph's College on July 26th!
-On August 1st, I got hired as the Band Director of South Newton School Corporation!
-In the middle of August, Susanna and I bought our first house!
-On September 17th, Susanna and I had our first child!!! Thomas was born at 8:37 AM and weighed 7 lbs. 15 oz. and was 20 and 1/2 in. long.
-We got a kitty. Nora.
-I am currently taking a break from organizing all of our stuff in our new house.
So as you can see, I haven't had much time to write here even if I had wanted to. Circumstances really could not be any better. I love my life. I love my family. I love my wife. I love my son. I love my job. I love our house. And I love and thank the Lord for existence and awareness to be able to experience it all. | | |
| My Public Confession and Profession"Confession of errors is like a broom which sweeps away the dirt and leaves the surface brighter and clearer. I feel stronger for confession."--Mohandas K. Gandhi
Well, at the posting of this entry, I'll have turned another page in my life. Recently, I've been thinking about the reason I started this blog in the first place; and it seems that the more that I think about it, the more I realize how selfish my motives have been--I've only wanted to be acknowledged for the amount of "knowledge" that I've acquired and not for who I really am. It has been out of lack that I've been writing...out of my desire to escape from the "real world" in order to feel like I have a sort of control over my life.
So I have a few things to say to straighten out my so-called theology. Now, while everyone has there own theology--that is, the way they translate their experience with (or faith in) God into language, mine has been ill-represented throughout this whole blog. I suppose anything that is put in to words is a step away from the actual experience itself, but even still, my words go one step beyond that into self-glorification. I get so wrapped up in the image I want to portray that it turns into self-worship. So first to be exposed is where monasticism fits into my theology--that is, it has been based on the image of saintliness and purity that I wanted people to see in me through my blog (in spite of their absence). I've realized that someone can be chaste in mind within marriage while still being able to have sex, because chastity is purity of mind and purity of motive. The only reason I see for joining a monastery now would be for the acknowledgment...which is absolute nonsense. My desire to be "loved" as a rock star in high school has simply transferred to a more intense desire to be "worshipped" as a monk. (And I should probably take off the quotations from "worshipped"...because that's what the desire is). It's like "I" want to be able to live on into eternity through the worship of others...or like I want to be God...very Luciferic of me, I suppose. But with that confessed, I wanted to apologize to everyone who has ever thought that I was worth reading...or who has ever seen me as a role model for what I wrote. Writing might be a talent that can be viewed as something to be looked up to, but not if the philosophy behind the writing is self-serving, and not for the good of all or for the benefit of self-improvement. This blog has been for neither. I've realized that a person does not have to become a monk to live the monastic ideal. You don't have to be enclosed in a cloister to "pray and work" (Ora et Labora) as St. Benedict says in his rule. You also don't have to be labeled as a saint to act like one. In fact, I could probably say that to succumb to the glamour of any title is to lose the ability to devote yourself to the work which the title has brought about. And besides, what good is a title without the work to begin with? Nothing but a title...which is not salvation.
So with that said, I wanted to let everyone on here know that if I decide to post on here again (which, if I do, will be a long time from now), it will be of a much different flavor. The problem is not with posting itself, but the fact that I it takes great effort and willingness to post without thinking of myself as self-important. So until I can find some way to control that more consistently, I see no reason to keep posting.
So part of this new "flavor" that I mentioned earlier is the desire to mention my experiences from a subjective point of view. That is, my opinions stated as opinions (i.e., not stating them as objective scientific provable fact to make anyone think higher of me). This will also help allow me to be honest with myself...to understand what I am truly feeling. So with that said, I simply wanted to let everyone know that currently, I am seeing a wonderful girl. Her name is Susanna. She's helped me realize so many things about myself that it is hard to describe her effect on me. She has forced me to re-evaluate my actions....in other words, take responsibility for myself and not be so concerned about what others think about me. It has been amazing to see us grow closer as persons. We seem to be able to challenge each other to grow as people...and sometimes, we hit a snag and we then know that it's time to talk things out. It's a constant rediscovering of self-respect as well as respect for each other. We force each other to face our "demons" (so to speak). She's wonderfully amazing and I feel so blessed that God has decided to teach me so many lessons through allowing her to be in my life.
So to conclude, I'd like to rededicate my life to serving the truth, whatever form that might take, and not to fight against it. Acceptance and Confession are the first steps...now to Live the truth.
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.â€--Winston Churchill
--ANDY | | |
| So a question...
Why do we do things over and over and over again? This is a serious question. Well...as serious as any question can be. For me, I do them over and over again because I think that going around in circles will help me see the back of my head. I hope to discover more about myself when all I'm really doing is hurting people around me and making a fool out of myself. And I never see that it's happening until...well...AFTER it happened But why is it so easy for us to see these insane patterns in other people but not in our own lives? And why do we get so upset when other people point them out? We, as humans, and ESPECIALLY Americans think we have a RIGHT to mess up our own lives...but god help the person who tells us that THEY think we've messed it up. Why, they're unpatriotic, not moral, inhumane and downright rude to criticize us for doing what we think is right!...even if it is insanely wrong. And so what can we do when we know that we are stuck in hellish life-patterns? And more importantly, how do we help others to see that they are stuck while keeping the respect, integrity, and humanity of a person intact? Or should we even try to help at all? Is respecting someone simply letting them figure it out on their own? If only there were tools to offer to people...and not force them to take...but simply show them that they are there, and then walk away. And walking away would be the hardest part. Because we want them to be free...but I think what the desire for them really is...is a desire to be worshipped by them...idolized...the one who brought them to freedom. The victory cry "IT WAS BECAUSE OF ME..." that they came out of depression, that they were able to not commit suicide, that they quite smoking, that their life has meaning, that they converted to Christianity, and even if it gets bad enough...like in the mind of Sadaam Hussein or Hitler...I am the savior! Messianic Narcissistic Megalomania. They wish Christ had never existed, because even though he is not physically present, he is a threat to their belief that they are the true savior of mankind because of the fact that he lives in the hearts of the People of God.
The great commission requires us to go and "make disciples of all nations." And yet how are we to make disciples of the nations if we get the story wrong? If we are mistaken in our salvation, any "mission" that we set out on will be ill-placed. It is not ME or YOU who do anything...and yet we DESIRE to take the credit. We want to be worshipped. This is the part of us that gets upset when an atheist says he doesn't believe in God. Truthfully, I don't think God really cares one bit if the atheist believes in Him or not. God needs our help in converting people about as much help as Gravity needs in making an apple fall off a tree. It is WE who choose to get upset...and our upsetness is not so much a crying out for an injury towards God (which is impossible) as it is a personal blow! We get PERSONALLY upset when people do not listen to our message...(notice: OUR message...not God's).
We are simply blind leading the blind. We have not yet become humble enough to help even ourselves. And yet we want to "help" others. A lesson that I need to learn is that anything bad that comes out of my relationship with other people is a result of me. And anything good that comes out of my relationship with other people is a result of God...or in Christ-o-centric terminology, Christ-in-me. I think the quicker I learn this lesson, the better off I will be. And yet in the mean time, the temptation is ALWAYS there to do things to be admired...loved...worshipped. What I REALLY want is to always realize that I am ALREADY loved...and that I do not NEED ANYTHING! To become nothing. Gone, Gone, Beyond Gone...Gone to the distant shore. But how easily I forget. Why do we do the same things over and over and over again? So that eventually, it will drive us so insane that we must fall onto our knees and acknowledge that we don't know anything about ourselves...and that we must surrender everything to Him who knows even the number of hairs on our head. Nothing people say or do will truly change us. It is God's calling within us when we are at our most desparate that leads us to Him...
I read somewhere that the number one cause of Mystical/Unitive/Divine experiences is despair. Black despair. When we are in the pits of hell, we can still cry out to God and be (and I hate to use this word because of its bad connotation in modern society) saved. We simply must have enough humility to give up. And until we all do, a good prayer that is a tool available to all people that might help us humble ourselves is: Kyrie Eleison, Christe Eleison, Kyrie Eleison. "Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy."
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