.

So I guess I lied, it's been a very long time but I'm going to start keeping track of things again.  However, I'll be writing in a LJ instead for a while, so visit here if you're interested...

http://laynofthewired.livejournal.com/

Based on the response of the last post, I guess it's time to bury this thing for good.  It had already dullened to the point of uncommon updates and rare observance, but the few times I actually came here it was extremely important to me.  Some of the most recent posts have meant so very much to me, at times when my entire world was shifting.  They were, in a sense, testimonials, expressing qualities of myself that I'd only recently discovered, and had shared with no one.  I know it's just a journal, a public online journal even, but I wanted to try being honest for once.  But even in my attempts to open myself in such a manner, to make myself more vulnerable than ever, it's nothing others care to pursue.  This isn't a whine, this isn't emo, this is reality.  Based on some of the events lately, and the reactions people have taken, I feel I've closed myself off more than ever.  I'm not afraid of being seen, but I refuse to lay myself out; if ever someone comes along and wants to know who I really am, I'm not hard to find, but these senseless riddles are the only way I know how to open up.  This story will go untold until someone comes along with the ambition to connect on this level, which is extremely unlikely; such a happening would be nothing short of a miracle...

One more note, I've had this thing for years now.  i read a lot of random entries from the beginning and middle, and I've been one whiny, emo guy for most of it.  It brought me many great times, and it's enlightened many aspects of myself as well as some of those closest to me.  But what's made all this possible is interaction, which has disappeared over the years.  Hence I find little meaning in pouring out my innermost thoughts in my usually complicated format without any interaction.  To those of you that put up with the emo posts, and especially to all those that continuously posted remarks to try to make me cheer up and wisen up, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.  I may have been too blind to see the value of your words before, but they've grown to mean so much.  Farewell xanga, my dear friend through these years...

        Intentions are never considered, nor are other perspectives.  Everything seems so simple and defined while the mirror holds our attention.  The most disgusting act, however, is placing yellow tape on a beating heart.  True connection, be it true friendship or love, cannot exist without faith.  I don't speak of religious faith, but human faith.  Faith implies absolute trust; no lines drawn, no roads blocked.  Titles do nothing more than distract and excuse; words cannot define emotions, only actions can.  And yet even actions are subjected to human error; pride, lust, self-imposed sympathy -- a typical cause of tunnel vision.  Precautions taken against and condemnation towards a so-called friend can only numb the emotions that unite, prohibiting any connection."What does 'friend' mean to you?" 

        Love should never overshadow reason, yet so very often people (myself included at a few points in my life) blind themselves to a most vital sight: themselves.  What remains glaring at the mirror is a distortion; it's not as simple as a puzzle with a few missing pieces.  When one does not accept and embrace some elements of himself, he is not "partially himself" but rather something entirely different.  We are comprised of our connections, not by relations but by emotions.  When one censors such emotion, something is lost, and nothing is the same.  A man in love often eclipses the rest of the world, and inherently the rest of himself.  A man in love rarely takes hostages and often ignores the safety. Yet love claims no victims, only fools do.

Censor the friendship
Censure the scapegoat
Anything to survive
All in the name of Love

Nothing will ever be the same.