im so glad he doesnt read this thing

I'm too tired to recount the unpleasantries one by one....

its official

im never gonna be good enough and hes always gonna think that hes always right because hes a narcissist and the only way that this is going to work out is for me to allow him to go on thinking that hes perfect but at the same toime to stop beating myself up for all the things he thinks are wrong with me because in all honesty.....i could drown in it. positively drown in it. i could commit suicide with all the motive he gives me....yet.....i cant let it come to that because....if i wasnt good enough then he wouldnt be here. i think his constant berratement is just some subconcious tool he uses to make him self feel more confident. he cuts me down in order to reassure himself that he is better than me and in turn make himself feel safe. because if im so screwed up in his mind then it wouldnt hurt too much if he lost me....because i wasnt worth that much to him to begin with....which makes him feel safe from the idea of getting his heart broken again. since i can see this i can also play along.....do what it takes to give him his false sense of security....make sure that no one gets hurt and everyones happy little bubble stays well in tact without causing any harm to myself. that was where i screwed up. i was allowing his devices of insecurity  to affect the opinion i had of myself and therefore tear me apart and damn near tear us apart. from now on its going to be kind of like looking at a child and simply allowing him to say what he wants....knowing in the back of my mind that he doesnt know any better. agreeing with him simply to shut him up.

this is what comes from no sleep, little food, and way too much old school nintendo.

good afternoon.

nickelodeon used to be good

Rocko's Modern Life, Ahh! Real Monsters, Legends of the Hidden Temple, What Would You Do?, Guts, Double Dare, Clarissa Explains It All, Pete And Pete, Salute Your Shorts, Finders Keepers, Nickelodeon Arcade. Doug, Ren and Stimpy, Are you afraid of the dark, CAt Dog... You know you miss it.

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keep that in mind...the way that it felt when the most i could do was to just blame myself

I don't know if it was just sleep deprivation last night or what but somehow we started talking about how he'd changed so much and how i just couldn't shake the idea that he was either a fake then or now but somewhere he turned phony. he laughed and said maybe it was just that i didn't know him as well as i thought. i felt tricked and betrayed. then he admitted that he was different before....explaining that i was the straw that broke the camels back. why do i always have to be that last fucking straw? why am i so good at not realizing how much i adore a person the way they are until ive fucked them up beyond recognition? why is it that the changes he says ive created in him seem so irreversable. why do they make me feel so hopeless. maybe god said no and i said why and he said alright then ill show you but you will regret not listening to my original answer.

at least im not on drugs tho.....as tho that's the worst thing i could do. sometimes i feel as though after what i did to him anything he does is perfectly and completely justified no matter how miserable it makes me....im lucky to have this chance and i should simply suck it up because i deserve it. but i miss the way it used to be so much and that makes me think that maybe i screwed things up to an extent that they will never be the same again and therefore im not lucky to have this chance im suffering merely as a consequence to my actions and its an optional consequence no less as im free to leave any time id like. i stay because i feel that i deserve this. and i still hang on to the hope that if we keep working itll get better no matter how weak i appear to him and how stubborn and insensitive he appears to me. i punish myself. what happens if i just say "yeah i fucked it up and it sucks and im sorry and i did want to be with you but not the way you are now....even though i caused you to be the way you are now.....im going to be selfish as you would be and simply say that this isn't making me anymore happy than being alone.....in fact i think im sadder this way and therefore....im done" would he feel slighted somehow? that i could realize everything id done and just walk away so introverted and uncaring. i dont think hes ever seen my particular form of self interest. and what would happen  to him then? if im worried about it now does that mean id be worried about him then? if im so worried about him then why would i ever even fathom the idea of leaving. is it selfish for me to want to be happy even though i know the reason im not happy is my own fault. since i made this bed should i have to lie in it? or can i just get a new one? and what about all the ways hes changed me? he doesnt seem too concerned so does that let me off the hook a little? two wrongs dont make a right, but is it really wrong to put the past in the past and simply say....no matter how we got this way we are just too different now so i give up. and then will i go on the rest of my life wondering what might have happened had i not given up so easily? if i stay here.....in what seems to be a muddled rut.....i may come out disappointed because he may never be that person again and it may just be a futile conquest in that sense. however, if i say good luck to it and walk away i may spend the rest of my life regretting it based on the notion that sticking it out could have proved fruitful if i simply hadnt whimped out at the first sign of discomfort which is what i always do. im so  confused. i dont know what i want. and what of the rainy days when hes all i need and the laughing and murdering cupcakes on the grounds of jealous rage. what about pulp fiction and butterflies and halloween and the nights when it wasnt just "get naked lets fuck" i dont know where this entry was going....guess maybe i was just trying to sort things out. like if i could look at it it would make more sense. but im still lost. if you read this far, then you know what its like inside my mind.

"baby say something nice to me"

"im not romantic like that"

"you used to be...what happened"

"i dont have time for fun and games anymore"

"what do you mean by fun and games"

"whispering shit in your ear and laughing and playing and all that romantic stuff ... too much fun and i dont have time for it now...i have to work and stay focused and get shit done"

"all i asked was for you to say something nice to me....is there no time for that either"

"im tired"

"oh"

sigh......*sticks handgun in mouth and blows jaw off of head in an attempt to distract*