Have you ever felt like you have no idea what is going on in your own life? Experiencing the feeling of watching your life on a huge screen, where everyone around you is watching, ready to analyze and give a critique. In sorts a reality show. You sit amongst the audience not knowing what to say or expect, cry or laugh, run and hide, or bask in the glory of it all.

On one hand, you like the fact that people are watching and giving input. Yet, on the other side, at times, everything from your fashion sense to your common sense is met with an unmistakable and unwavering, harsh-eye from your critics. It seems as though everyone else has everything so put together, so sure of where they are going in life, making your life seem so uncertain, so unpredictable, so empty, so alone, so rocky, almost without reason.

With so much uncertainty in this world, how is anyone supposed to know exactly what to do, what to say, where to go, whom to love… who to trust? Aren’t we all pretty much on the same page? No one knows what the next second brings in their own life, so why do we all have everyone else’s life planned and set? I have found people lined up, ready to judge on the drop of a hat. Isn’t that a form of denial? They would rather focus all their attention on the life of the person sitting next to them, rather than dealing with their own. Just because someone chooses to follow his or her heart and another to follow his or her head, does that really make either one a better person?

As I look back and review where I came from, where my life is, and which direction it seems to be going, I find myself at a sort of crossroad.

I was always the one to follow my head, my common sense if you will. I was headed straight; listening to all that my critics had to say. For a while, I thought my purpose was to do everything people told me to do. I was always afraid of feeling. I was never taught how to express what I wanted or felt. I was taught how to work, respect and stay quiet.

One day, after much contemplation and self-realization, I concluded that if I ignored what my heart was telling me, it would forever be silenced, leaving me cold, with a huge, unbearable void.

With a brave face, but a scared heart, I did what I was never taught to do...I did what I wanted! For once, I felt so liberated, so free and in-touch with my reality. Others tried to crush my newfound glory, but with tear-filled eyes and a wounded heart, I persevered through it all.

What I went through and accomplished was not meant to defy others, it was meant to find myself. In my solitude, I found who I really was and tried to understand what it was I really wanted. I wanted to feel. I wanted to feel the beauty of being loved, the pain of losing, and the glory of accomplishing goals I SET. After being so numb, all these new feeling were at times unbearable. Although, I knew that if I survived and persevered, I would be a much better person from them all.

I now know I am a survivor. I can hold my own. I have learned to follow, lead, learn, teach, love, forgive, choose whom to trust, when to guard my heart and when to give it all away at the same time. I have learned to let go and be ok with not knowing, yet I am learning how NOT to be a doormat in a sort. I speak my mind, and love with my heart.  

Even with all this new stability and peace that I have found. I still find myself wondering what my next step will be and where it will lead me. I find myself being content, but I am not sure if I am truly happy yet. I think I know what it is that will make me happy, but what if I am wrong? What if what I think I want is not what is best? What if I choose the path on the right when I should be choosing the one on the left?  I know it is a choice I must make for myself and I will accept the outcome of it all. Yet, I cannot help wondering….Will the one that has helped me find happiness and peace within me, be the one who will continue to be bringing peace and joy? Should I persevere through the rough patches and the empty valleys that I find myself in or should I just keep trudging forward towards the mirage that I think I see?

Should I change my entire world for the chance to be “financially successful,” in spite of it possibly ruining everything that I have worked so hard to have and keep? Everything seems to be so complicated and I do not want to find myself being so jaded and getting the incredible urge of just running and hiding from everything and everyone.

Am I truly living my life or am I just on the verge?

Am I making a mistake by staying with what I know, rather than taking that next step in love and life that could possibly be the best thing ever?

I do not want to live with a closet full of regrets, what if’s, should haves, could haves, ghosts or skeletons. I want to live sure of myself with no regrets.

I write all this not for sympathy, but in hopes of taming the whirlwind that I feel is crashing down on me. I am trying to make sense and sort out all these questions in my mind in hopes of figuring out what it is that will give me a sense of being calm and sure of myself.

I have so many thoughts and so much to say to people about my life, how they have affected me, both positive and negative, I just do not know where to start. I guess this could be my weak attempt to begin.

Rest in peace my sweet Kitty...

You were and always will be my world...

I will always miss you...

Thank you for giving me the best 17 years of my life...

You will forever be in my heart...

Ed

Best friend and companion

April 1, 1990 - July 12, 2007