Hi girls,

How's life? Okay, I really have to talk about something here...

Today I was chatting w/ our school nurse, cuz she and I have become friends over the past couple of years. She told me that the grade 9's this year are having a hard time w/ EDs, and she's trying to get this councellor (the therapist I used to see) to come in and talk to them. She wants me and this other girl in my grade (who was hospitalized for 5 months when we were in grade10) to maybe talk to the 9s and tell them our story.  She thinks they might look up to us and go towards recovery because we're seniors and blahx3.

Okay...firstly, the humanitarian in me wants to very much if it might help someone or give someone hope who is younger than me dealing with the same thing. But, I would feel kind of hypocritical because it's not like I'm completely better, either. I mean, look at my last entry. Part of me really wants to tell them, and share with them what it was like and I hope that it will turn them away or encourage them to get help if they are dealing w/ an ED.

But, if I tell them one of the most personal, private things in my life, I'm going to feel really exposed. I know potentially saving/helping someone is so worth feeling exposed, but I don't want the whole school to know that "Acey has an eating disorder". It's really not  what I want to have happen and I don't want people to treat me differently.

Also, I'm going to feel stupid and useless when this other girl has been hospitalized and nearly died. Her story is going to be far more compelling, and I don't want people to compare my personal struggle with that of someone else. But (no offense to other grade 9s out there) these are grade 9s. They are going to judge, and I don't want this to turn into some sympathy/popularity thing, cuz that's just immature and corrupt. But what do I know?

These are just some of the thoughts going through my head right now. I just don't know what I should do. Do you think I should face it and just talk to them or do you think I'm not ready/shouldn't go there yet?

- Acey *~

hmm...i had this feeling i had gained lots of weight, but yesterday i went to buy some new jeans, and i bought a size 0 that fit perfectly. am i missing something here?  thanks for your comments, i'm a get back to all of you right now!

love you so much,

Acey *~

hey girls,

wow long time no update!! i hope everyone has been doin' well.

i'm trying really hard to get better, so i haven't been updating this journal as often as i used to. i'm proud to say that i haven't weighed myself in about 2 weeks, and i haven't watched what i'm eating. my mom is still all whatever that i don't eat enough, but right now i'm just going with what feels good for me. i don't think i've gained very much, everything is still too big on me. but it's nice not to be so clingy to numbers anymore. i hope i can continue along like this.

n2m is new with the rest of my life. university applications start next week - aahhh!!! >.< soo scary, i don't want to think about going away. *sigh*

today i'm hoping to get together w/ a friend, hoping that she gets my message and calls me back. i need to get out, go out, get some fresh air, and live a little.

miss you girls, i hope that life is treating you all well!

luv, Acey xoxo

hey all,

what's new? everyone have a good weekend? i binged really badly on saturday...i did nothing but eat. even when it got to a point where i felt sick, i couldn't keep myself from eating. i'm getting even more worried now because still no period!!! i hate that it hasn't come yet...i just want a normal period, which i haven't had since the end of July!!!

school is okay, lots of work. next month are Ontario university applications, woohoo. please let me get in somewhere, lol.

there really isn't nothing new or exciting otherwise in my life...i just wanted to say hi.

take care gurls,

luv Acey xoxo.

I think I have a knack for falling for guys that are out of my reach. It makes you want them more...but it's stupid. I think I only feel motivated to chase after someone who doesn't like me at first, cuz I want to make them fall for me. If it's a guy who already likes me, then I feel like why bother, unless I really like him which has never in my life happened to me before. Whenever somebody likes me, they're not my type and yet I try really hard to like them so that I could actually have a sincere relationship that works and also so that I don't have to hurt them by saying no. Why do I torture myself senselessly like this?

So, it's official. My size 3 jeans which used to make my lower half look super hot are baggy. Grr. I don't have the kind of money to buy a pair of jeans each time I shrink a size. I guess I could grow back into them, but that's too emotionally traumatizing as of yet. I'm not ready yet. Someday, I hope.

How are you girls?

-xoxo Acey