Flowerpot [translated]

<|---[John and my song]---<3

he is approaching from a far far far distance
how am i to express my shaking heart
stole my heart from the very start
and gave me an illness that i can't recover from
i want to become the flower pot
i pray all the time

i want to become a flower pot that stands on his small window sill
even if i wouldn't be able to say a word or expect anything
from time to time, i'll receive his smile & caresses
and just watch his sleeping face

he's leaving very far far far away
how am i supposed to soothe
these falling tears
stole my heart from the very start
and gave me an illness that i can't recover from
i want to become the flower pot
i pray all the time

i want to become a flower pot that stands on his small window sill
even if i wouldn't be able to say a word or expect anything
from time to time, i'll receive his smile & caresses
and just watch his sleeping face

i want to become a flower pot that stands on his small window sill
even if i wouldn't be able to say a word or expect anything
from time to time, i'll receive his smile & caresses
and just watch his sleeping face

Pathological

Something selfish and greedy in me is growing and turning ugly. I've lost John once and I don't want to be apart from him not now not ever. I'm started to more than dislike this person that has been taking him away from me and I can't seem to turn back. As nice as he can be to my lover, his perspective upon things is ALL wrong. I like my John kept pure as he really is but because I love him, I can't do anything but to accept it and wait. I hate this guy so much I actually want him to disappear from our lives and never return. I'm bad, aren't I? I want to completely wipe his existance away from our sight and to leave us alone to be happy together. I hate anyone and anything that stands in our way that I actually want to do something extreme and terrible. Lord forgive me for these sinful thoughts.

The violence in me is growing larger day by day. My patience are being tested constantly and I feel as if I cannot hold back any longer. Why am I always supposed to be the nice and understanding one? I'm started to act in rage and throw a fit by breaking things. I want to take it out upon people physically and hurt them until they bleed and beg for mercy. I only hold back because I don't want to be like my biological parental unit who gave me this behavior.

Only person who has been calming me down from this rage is John. Without him, I feel as if I'll end up hurting myself... or maybe even hurting others more. I'm seeing red.

I'm so scared of myself.

God help me.

Mind fight

Last night a miraculous thing had occured. John and I are back together and stronger than before. He was a complete mess while being apart from me and was lost from what actions to take next as much as I was. No relationships are picture perfect as fantasy books but it is a wonderous thing to have with someone. Fight for your love and give it your all. You may have lost the battle but there is a chance you will win the war. Before you give up look back and remember what kept you to hold on to it for so long.

During relationships it is a battle amongst yourself every single day. You wonder if this is worth working for or even small doubts cross your mind. Jealousy comes and you slightly distrust the other person. These feelings come because you both are not officially settled with marriage. A lot of doubtful and distrusting thoughts clouds one's mind because they fear the future with the person. These feelings are completely normal but you have to understand that in the end, a good long term relationship continues on being a good relationship. Its really sad to see someone throw something so good away just because of a small negative feeling and end up completely losing their luck of being able to be happy. You'll be kicking yourself in the ass for a long time for losing something so good.

Many doesn't seem to comprehend my feelings for John. Why him? As matter of fact I didn't really know at all but to answer with typical adjectives. Now I know how I can answer. My answer is 'Because I do and he gives me unlimited and unconditional love every moment. Because he cries when I cry. Laugh when I laugh. He is just him and accepts me for me being me."

Need I need to say more? ^o^

Psychopaths

"We're all a little bit of psychopaths."

My friend says that each one of us holds a small psychopathic personality that we unleash when we don't get our fries right or someone cuts in infront of us in line. Everyone has a split personality disorder and they let it out as a defense mechanism or just for the hell of it.

Well accepting that I'm a psychopathic maniac. I must be some obsessive daydreamer to be still holding onto something that I cannot reach. The moment I woke up today, I wished that I could sleep much longer. Not because I was drowsy or the bed felt warm but because I had a dream of being with him and doing all the things we had planned in the future. Its getting harder for me each time I wake up because the moment I splash cold water onto my face I realize that this is reality.

Many claims that time will heal but somehow its been doing an opposite effect on me and all I can really do is to pretend to be mature about this and act as if its not effecting me when its actually eating me up inside. People were surprised to see me take it so well but the truth is I'm not. Its a tug and pull war in my mind wondering if I should give him a call and try to talk to him again. Another part of me just wonders if I should not even bother with being in a relationship anymore because men has the tendency to always run away from problems and let the women solve it or just pretend nothing happened.

I'm almost 21 and I feel as if I'm an ammature with relationships. Pretty much stuck without knowing any real details and I feel as if I'll be a nuisance in the end to many of those that are helping me and listening to me. Some tells me to call him up and fix things because they just can't see us throw all this away. Others tells me to ignore him and let him be an ass and let him regret what he has lost.

I've never felt this much stressed with a guy before.