Mysterium is is exactly ONE WEEK.

:D

I wish I could go back to last summer.

There are moments I'd even trade the unwatched season 4 to be able to go back to last summer. And that's saying something because B5 is my crack and season 3 left us with Sheridan having thrown himself into a crevasse on Z'Ha'Dum and blowing up shit and is now presumed dead, and Garibaldi was randomly yoinked by a Shadow ship and taken away...yipes! And Anna was creepy and awesome, especially after having read everything that led up to this point...how much training had to be done in order to get her to sound like she did to Sheridan today. And knowing the cool shit Galen was doing behind the scenes. And Sheridan was Kosh'd and I want to see more Lennier and Marcus needs to take off his shirt right now is awesome too and...

Wait, what was my point again?

That I wish I could go back to last summer.

I still do.

"Confessions of Light and Dark" = tragedygasm!

I suppose part of being an author is having crushes on fictional characters and I make no secret of my hopeless fancrush on Lennier :P Though seriously, I really know how to pick homeslices, don't I? I'd love to someday have a homeslice that lives and doesn't have tragedy. And is a major character. But no, my homeslices are always awesome minor characters who are tragic and then die. *le sigh* Either way, Lennier is made of win and awesome and I totally flailed and fell off the couch today when he admitted he loved Delenn. My parents laughed at me. I flailed some more.

That aside, what an amazinggg episode. It had like, everything I could want in an episode in it.

"I think I loved Talia." did I mention that I love that pairing? It was so well done and so sad!

This show is freaking crack, man.

In conclusion, if I can one day end up as half the writer J. Michael Straczynski was, I will consider myself a success.

Seriously, I don't even feel worthy enough to write fic in that universe. And this is coming from the girl who wrote a dang essay on Sirrus from Myst and had a blast doing it, yet I shy away from even contemplating a Talia death scene or a potential future story with Lennier. Why? I love these characters; I love them to death. They're all wonderful and dynamic, and I cried when Londo made that speech to Vir after deciding to keep him on as an assistant, and I almost cried when I was watching the second movie today and it showed Londo as emperor many years later, and I got teary eyed when Londo was speaking to Lennier when Lennier was in the coma after saving Londo and Delenn from the bomb. I felt warm fuzzies when Sheridan and Delenn embraced after Delenn was interrogated at the end of season 2. Hell, when Talia died, I felt the same as when Sirius died in HP...like I lost some distant, distant person who I was close to.

These characters are incredible. I'm so attached to them, so deeply involved in their story that I feel like it is my own. I know that I probably won't be the same by the time this show is over and I'm glad for it, really. Because I cry when Londo made his speech to Vir, and I want to hug Lennier solely because he is my homeslice, because I thought that brief moment of Talia/Susan was so freaking fantastic and wonderfully done.

I'm glad most of all, perhaps, because characters *can* still do this to me. Battling mental illness is...well, before I was confronted with this, leaving colorguard was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Then this came along, and fighting anxiety/panic/depression all at the same time...god, I thought I was going to lose my mind in May, or die, or lose my mind and THEN die. I sit here now looking at that all like a bad dream, a distant terrible memory...like Jill and Eustace at the end of SC when they reach Narnia and think of Underland as a bad distant dream. That is what it feels like. I still fight it now, though it is nowhere near as bad as those terrible weeks upon returning from school in May. If there is a hell, it is just like those weeks.

Then I start watching Babylon 5 at my dad's insistence. The next thing I know I'm crying at Londo's speech to Vir and wanting to hug Lennier because he's my homeslice and feeling so terribly sad when Talia died, and I realized today during the movie that I could do that again.

I cry for solid reasons...instead of hysterical breakdowns for seemingly no reason (other than the depression having spiraled wildly out of control), I sniffle over the tragedy of Londo's story. Instead of feeling completely ambivalent towards everything, I look at Lennier and he's my homeslice and that is the first time in so long that I've gotten the homeslice feeling from a character. Babylon 5 is insanely intricate...everyone's story is intertwined with everyone else's. The characters are deep and dramatic and...best of all...there's enough tragedy in this show to last me a lifetime. Tragedy and backstory whore that I am, this show gives me more than enough. It is emotional and epic and wonderful, and best of all, I can feel it. I feel their story, I live their story as if it were my own.

I suppose that it makes me nerdier than anything to admit that when I have a panic attack, the best thing to do to help me through it is to hand me a Voyager DVD and have me watch an episode. For some strange reason, Voyager calms me down and helps me feel better. I suppose it makes me even nerdier then, to admit that after this long battle, a tv show called Babylon 5 is showing me that I can feel again.

Babylon 5 is my crack. I think I'm going to have to go into rehab when I finish the last season. What a fucking amazing show, that. Every single character is way too awesome and dynamic for their own good. It's like...it has the Myst level of dynamics, which I've never seen outside of Myst. But B5 has it, and it has characters with backstory and lots and LOTS of tragedy. You know how much I *heart* tragedy.

So I'm going to go back to watching some more. Good stuff, even if I got super mad with what happened with Talia today and how she's gone and now we're never going to see her again because her personality is completely obliterated :( that made me so sad.

And I love Lennier to bits <3