Currently Reading The Eye of the World : Book One of 'The Wheel of Time' (Wheel of Time) By Robert Jordan see related

The few of you who check this can thank my high school friend Amanda for this post.  She called me today out of the blue and we talked for awhile, and during the conversation she asked if I had xanga and it gave me the urge to post.  The conversation was really good though, not as long as I would have liked, but I had to go to Sig Ep and talk to TJ, and then I still haven’t packed for UIFI.  She brought up a good point as we were saying our goodbyes though.  It is so strange how her and I can not talk for months, and then when one of us calls its like we are still in high school and still see each other all the time.  We have both changed.  She has become the awesome woman I always new she would be, and I have grown into the man I feel like I should be.  We both still have the connection of being the only sane people in the mass of ignorance knows as Wellston Ohio.  We even planned to go to the Columbus zoo sometime in august, and you all know that I am excited about any trips to the zoo.

As the summer draws closer and closer to a close, things are becoming more and more busy.  I have this leadership conference (UIFI) tomorrow though Sunday, our family cruise the 5^th-15^th, concerts to go to, and a trip or two to Michigan.  

I have come to realize that it really isn’t feasible for Jaclyn and I to try a relationship.  As much as I didn’t want to admit it, it’s the truth.  I mean maybe sometime down the road, but the distance is too far to start a relationship.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends and still visit each other from time to time.  

The summer has been strange.  I have grown closer with some people I didn’t expect to, and distanced with people who I thought I would be best friends with.  I guess that’s just how life goes.  Sometimes I feel like I hold my friendships up to insanely to high standards. I think it stems from all the shitty relationships that I had in high school, and I won’t allow people to treat me like that now.  That and I think I kind of feel getting to close to people.  Too many friends have walked all over me or just fucked me over all together.  Who knows, I just think I get upset a lot of the time over trivial things.  Not to sound full of myself, but I feel like I am a lot more mature than a lot of people in college.  Not in the fact that the act mature, but I just feel like I am ready to get those friendships that I know are life long.  I thought that beta would do that, but as of yet I just feel like I have some friends, not brothers.  Oh well, that’s it for now, and probably till mid august.  Shits getting busy.

MArnold

So far this weekend has been pretty lame.  When I got off work on Thursday I went home.  I must say the longer I am away from that place, the more I hate it.  There is just NOTHING to do.  I argued with my family the majority of the time I was home, because they wanted me to stay until Monday night.  I dunno, I just wanted to come back, so I came back yesterday.  Probably pissed them off more than I know, but I don’t care anymore.  At least I drove down and hung out with them for 2 days.  Better than not going at all.  I come back here though and there is nothing to do.  It kinda sucks, but at least here I can bullshit with friends.  I expected stuff to be going on though, I mean it is 4^th of July weekend.  It looks like bob and I are just going to chill and get wasted, because we can’t find anything else going on.  Tim might come down, but I don’t know yet.  This damn empty house sucks.  Gives a guy to much time to think.  Part of me can’t wait till September for everyone to come back.  Yea I know, I’m crazy.  Well, hope everyone who reads this (if anyone at all) has a good 4^th of July.  It will probably be better than mine from the looks of it.

MArnold

Two days in a row, yea I know something must be wrong.

            At work today I was doing a lot of thinking.  I know a lot of people probably hear me complain some, but I must say that joining Beta Theta Pi has been the best choice I have ever made.  I honestly believe that it has made me a better man.  I now find myself thinking a lot about the choices I make.  Whether those choices I make are ones that a beta should make, and I think that the majority of them are.  I like to hope that our 8 founders would be proud of me as a beta, and know that I am doing all I can to make our chapter, our fraternity better. It is kind of strange though, I’m actually starting to feel like a little bit of an adult.  I have definitely matured a lot over the past two years in Cincinnati.  The last two weeks I’ve found myself asking a lot of spiritual questions as well.  I’ve never really said that I don’t believe in god, but I really never thought he was a guiding factor in my life.  Now I am starting to change my mind.   I have started to think about why things happen, and why I am where I am.  I really think that god meant for me to be doing what I am doing, with the people that I am with.   I think about all I’ve done, the people I’ve met, and hopefully the people that I have influenced.  I don’t try and preach, but I do try and guide people to make the right decisions.  I don’t know, I just like being there for my friends.  I think some of it comes from the fact that a lot of my friendships in high school were shit.  After talking about a lot of this with Renee, I’ve realized that one thing we have in common is the fact that we need to be needed.  The times when I’m most insecure and unsure of myself are the times when my relationships with the people close to me are being strained, and I don’t feel like I am having those close relationships.  This is definitely one of the things that have guided me to teaching.  After I have thought a lot about it, I really feel like I am making the right decision.  I know that the pay will suck, but I will be making a difference in people’s lives, not sitting behind a desk or a microscope.  I need that social interaction on a day to day basis.   I really don’t know where all this rambling has come from these last two days, I just really don’t feel like I have too many serious conversations about me.  I am fine with that though, at least for now.  Hopefully I will start using this more often and express what the hell is going on, because I’ve found out the hard way what happens when that shit builds up.

MArnold

Currently Listening When the Sun Goes Down By Kenny Chesney see related

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So, it’s been awhile and I am bored. I really can’t sleep for some reason so I’m going to make an entry. 

            Two weeks ago I went camping in Michigan with Tim and Bob.  We went up because Renee, my Futures Quest mentor was having a going away thing up there.  It ended up being us 3 girls and a guy friend of theirs.  It was quite possibly the best weekend I have had in a really long time.  Not to mention I met the coolest girl of all time.  Her name is Jaclyn and she is Renee’s best friend.  It is kind of creepy how much we have in common, not only personality wise but morally and our values coincide as well.  Since we left I have talked to her like every 2 days, it would be more but I don’t want to seem psycho.  We are already trying to plan trips to see each other.  Doesn’t it figure that once I find a girl that I don’t have to make any compromises for, she goes to school at fucking Western Michigan?  I can’t wait to go see her again, and hopefully she will come down too.  I don’t want to rush things, but I always seem to do that with girls.  When I was wasted that Saturday night I told her that I wanted to marry a girl just like her.  It may have been a dumb ass move, but I felt that I needed to let her know it at the time.   I think Renee thinks I’m crazy because she keeps telling me that I’ve only met her 1 weekend.  I have seriously never felt like this before though, I can really see myself with her for a long time.  She is one of those really fun girls, but you can still take her back to mom and know that she will love her.  We will see where it goes, but either way I think we will have a relationship for a long time, whether it be friends or something more.  Only time can tell.

MArnold

So, it’s been awhile.

I know it’s been like 9 months but it has been insane.  This quarter has pretty much sucked, and I am going to use this to vent because I know that like no one will check it.  I have doubted almost everything in my life.  Beta, UC, Biology.  I change my major a couple weeks ago, and I’ve just been really stressed out.  Usually I would be fine getting though it, but by going through this I realize the support structure that I have here, and the result is that I don’t have one.  I am always the person that everyone comes to when shit goes down, when there are relationship problems, when something traumatic happens.  I’m always that shoulder that people can listen to.  And I was always ok with that because that’s just me.  That’s how I treat my friends.  That’s the definition of friendship to me, and of more importantly of brotherhood.  The fact is that when I needed someone to talk to, when it was evident that shit was going on in my life that I really didn’t know how to handle, and when I needed help.  When I just needed someone to say its cool man, it will work out, no one fuckin cared.  There was no one to listen to me when I needed it.  It really makes me feel like a lot of my relationships are one sided.  This who thing may sound extremely selfish, but I’m ok with that.  For once in my life maybe I want to be selfish.  Sorry for anyone who reads this, I just needed to throw that out there.

Still doubting,

Marnold