I got a job!!!

YAY ME!!!! I start tomorrow! So excited about earning money, and having the opportunity to be a part of something huge. This company is just starting up at the location I will be working. I'm sure my days will be stressful, but well worth it. My girls will be happier because i will be providing the kind of life we like to live. and who knows maybe eventually we can buy a house! ah yes dreams dreams dreams its nice to have dreams..........its better than feeling hopeless! I actually feel good about this.........................hopefully it lasts hehe!

Thought....less

I am but a thought in her mind....... a word on the tip of her tongue....... a brief chill..... a moment of breathlessness with only a kiss! She said she would die if I didn't love her. I dont think she has anything to worry about, she has had my heart for nearly five years now! Its the test that cracks me up though............. she sits on me and lets herself fall backward.... if I catch her she says I love her......hehe she's so cute!

loving her is thought....less. I dont have to think about it, I just do!

DIRECTION

UGH! Mind fucked! So .......of 40 resumes and 3 interviews I still have no job! Only one of the jobs that I really really really wanted. Anyway...........I feel depressed........unsuccessful..

I'm so confused. I dont have a direction......I thought cool this last interview popped up last minute and maybe.....but no........ I can't possibly explain how distracted I am with life right now.... not knowing ... not contributing.... not feeling worthy. It is hard .... its nothing anyone can change but me and yet I can't seem to see the positive anymore. How can I see my own value if I have thus far been valued? How can I "sell" myself at an interview if I lack the confidence in myself given my experience thus far. Yes the old job sucked all my energy and patience, Yes I was discriminated against, Yes I was under paid, but that is just it...... I was paid! I feel so frustrated, I am now 28 years old and I live in subsidized housing....im unemployed.....and im in debt up to my ears for an education that has thus far gotten me NOWHERE! What am I to do??

I feel stuck.......................................................................................................................

Im clearly the problem?? I dont know.........Im full of uncertainty........

I feel like nothing is resolved.............I feel like there is an issue that I am unaware of and she refuses to tell me what is going on. I feel clueless.......helpless.......how can I fix somthing .....how can I fix the problem ME if I dont know what it is that I am doing, not doing that is causing the problem???? I know I dont make any sense .....none of this does!

I get conflicting information.......it has nothing to do with me.......but Im the problem...........and nothing is wrong, but every time I try to help out or even talk to her she grumps at me with such hatred...................................... Im starting to doubt my own existence.......................................................................I feel more worthless now than ever. Im so frustrated!

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

LALALA LA LA............................

I don't have much to write about. I am nervous about Friday..... I have an important interview on Friday ............. Im nervous because I am terrible at interviews..... I have a ton of what ifs, and after the last crappy job experience I am full of doubt and lacking in confidence. On a positive note............. I would be soooooo happy to return to work and be a "contributing member of society" again. Mainly a contributing member of our family. Although it hasn't been too rough because I make half of what I use to make from the unemployment that I was able to collect. So at least our combined income has paid the bills. I just have to keep reminding myself that I was too good at my old job, and posed a direct threat to my supervisors job................... OI! Ugh! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Fuck that doubtful feeling! this is me giving me a pep talk incase you couldn't tell. Ok so just so no one thinks I'm totally out of my mind I'm going to put my thoughts back where they belong..... inside my head! Not that anyone reads this..... but if you do........ I hope life is going well for you.....whomever you may be...................................................................................................................................................