i have something to say...so take me seriously for a moment...
I have never previously come forth with my confessions within the walls of a church, let alone through word of mouth, pen, or even the words that I type as you read them...but it seems that if certain thoughts and emotions are not released within the immediate time span, my mind will explode unto something unpredictable. For the first time last night, since i was 7 or 8, "I cried". Man enough to own up to his actions, i bare no shame in saying tears fled from these eyes, only wishing that they were manifestations for my own despair and fear of what shall happen to my future.
For some reason, it just seems my philosophy of the ying-yang symbol constantly reminds myself of me...nothing bad happens without a little shine of luck, but the opposite also is implied...It seems that everytime i achieve some level of success, there is one detail which is liable and/or responsible for my downfall. Can the best of all men, be broken down by just one bad deed? or can certain foul events be overshadowed by a man's accomplishments...
I can feel it! I myself, can feel it in my own blood and veins, that something is wrong. that like a water fall, my flow of things is going downhill with no chance of redemption...but what can i do? seemingly hopeless in every effort, one almost feelts obligated to put up two certain fingers and give an "I dont care" attitude, but yet I'm still sane and smart enough to realize that that does me no good in the long. Realizing my own potential seems to be shadowed by my own fears and doubts, and the fact that certain aspects of these mal-thoughts come true. And even though, in my opinion, that certain infractions may not seem as bad as they are punished for...they are none the less infractions...so as i try to fight for my own good, i grow weary from trying to over justify myself...but refuse to buy into the thought of putting my tail in between my legs when unecessary. Do not get it wrong though, i will own up to my mistakes as a man should...but...the line between justification and back talk are so blurred to me that at times i dont even realize what is going on...i must learn to keep my mouth shut...
It hurts to be told that sucess is not an option, and at the rate things are going that failure will be inevitable...coming from anyone. and even worse is the feeling of being walked out on, or disowned...a feeling of abandonment overwhelms the mind until thoughts become blurred and a moment is needed to gain composure to ensure that reckless actions are not to be pursued...
Father, I realize my wrongs...give me the strength to proceed in trying to correct them and watch over me as i try my best so as to further my hole that I seem to be digging myself...and somehow let those that are caring for me at this moment know how grateful that I am for their support, because it is a true blessing to receive genuine concern today...and to those that I am hurting...let them know that I am sorry and apologize for what i have done, and that i am trying...and that no matter what happens between us that i realize that they are just looking out for my well being...amen
-=Nomad1C=-
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Ok, so notice i dont get too specific cause basically, its none of yall's business...but i jus needed to vent...i appreciate any support and hopefully my next entry wont be so lengthy or gloomy...i know this type of entry is showing many a new side of me, that most were probably unaware of...but just a reminder: I am human! for those who wish to acknowledge this serious and somber side of me I, again, thank you...for this who wish to carry on...have a good day...
~Andrew~ | 
