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| Yep yep.
I'm back.
Workout back on, diet back on point, and head up. Workout starts tomorrow.
Multi-point depression suppression program:
1. Diet
2. Exercise
3. Meditation
4. Social Contact
5. Studies
6. Sleep Habits
Hoping to reach my 145 bench as soon as possible. Start off with basic/compound exercises. Soon as I hit anything close to a plateau, I'm switching to all dumbbell/isolation workout.
I'm gonna log everything on http://fittracker.shapefit.com/
Diet:
Protein - 1g/lbs daily. Meat, poultry, fish, eggs, dairy, whey, etc.
Whole Grain Carbs - Oats, rice, pasta, breads, yams, potatoes, etc
Fruits & Veggies - All kinds. Eat veggies and/or fruits with every meal.
Fat - Fish oil, flax seeds, olive oil, etc.
Water - 1 liter per 1000 calories you expend. 1US gallon a day will do.
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7 Day Workout Plan
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Day 1 - Chest, Triceps, and Abdominals
-Bench
-Incline Bench
-Pushups
-Close Grip Bench
-French Press
-Dips
-Crunches
-Obliques
-Leg Lifts
Day 2 - Cardio
-Treadmill
Day 3 - Back, Biceps, and Wrists
-Pullups
-Deadlift
-Barbell Rows
-Lat Pullups
-Upright Row
-Barbell Curls
-Dumbell Incline Curls
-Wrist Curls
-Reverse Wrist Curls
Day 4 - Rest
Rest
Day 5 - Legs and Deltoids
-Squats
-Lunges
-Leg Curls
-Military Press
-Side Lateral Deltoid Raises
Day 6 - Rest
Day 7 - Cardio
-Treadmill
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| I'm not sure what this all means. I'm not sure how to deal with it.
At the end of the summer, I made the most gains in fitness in my entire life. My benching went from a paltry 85 lbs to 145 lbs in an incredible 5-6 months. And then, I went on to make deans list for the first time in my life, ending with a 3.46 while juggling 18 credits (which later became 14 as I began to focus on the other classes). My optimism, confidence, and mental health was at it's peak.
But what happened? I'm struggling to pass my 3 classes that I have left after dropping Diff Eq for the second time down to 10 credits. I ran today for the second time in a week and I ran a pathetic total of 1/8 of a mile. My weightlifting has dropped at least 25% in everything. I'm incredibly depressed and haven't been this unhealthy mentally in about a year.
I feel that I have seasonal depression. With a multitude of factors, I can't pull myself up.
The vicious cycle: schoolwork that forces me to avoid social contact causes me to delve deeper into depression. By being depressed, I cannot succeed in academics because I am unmotivated.
I feel like I made a mistake in college. I'm frantically trying to catch up and fix it... As soon as I came to college... I vowed never to let high school repeat itself. I did not want to end up being an outcast again. So, I did my best to meet as many people as possible. I went around the dorms and introduced myself to people like I was campaigning for mayor of New Brunswick. I joined clubs and activities like it was crack. Three years later, I have nothing to show for it but 464 acquaintances (according to facebook) and a handful of ok friends. The problem? Everyone already has their tight knit group and I don't belong to a single one of them. I'm not the one people call to hang out. I'm not the one people think of when they think of their closest friends. Every day is a lonely endeavor where I eat alone, study alone, kill time on the computer... alone. Day in and day out, my loneliness eats at me. It's a pain no one should ever feel.
Depression is incredibly immobilizing. For someone who has not experienced it, it is impossible to understand. No one wants to be depressed. The individual sometimes simply has no choice.
Tonight I let the tears roll down for the first time in about 2 years. I let them roll down to wash away those lingering thoughts. It's incredibly therapeutic.
I need to get back in my mode. I must visualize what I believe is important in my life. I must keep those goals in mind and keep up my good work. I must remember that one August night when my life changed for the better from realizing my true goal in life.
There's one thing I don't want: I don't want to die alone.
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Now I'm off to finish this lab at 4:17 AM after attempting to write a therapeutic weblog entry. This lab was due last last thursday but I just never bothered to complete it. Dr. Huang basically gave me an ultimatum and forced me to finish this tonight. Looks like I'm getting very little sleep.
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| My Computer is like a an empty paradise that forces the wearing of chains.
You're stuck within the paradise, enjoying every minute of it. But you need more than just that simple satisfaction. Yet, you're tied to this paradise because of your own mental chains to the computer.
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I quit DotA for the semester. I need to stop my habit of just browsing sites nonstop.
PS: worst analogy ever. i know. lol
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| I have no time but heres wuts up.
1. Back to workout and shit. Been sore so bad i can't bend limbs. Lovin every fuckin minute of my pain.
2. Hittin those books with a fierceness thats unrivaled. Been actually doing every homework yet. Speaking of which. waking up tomorrow morning to get a book from a friend at 6 am because my book aint come in yet. Gotta catch him before he starts ROTC at 7 am.
3. Been makin up for lost time at DSP, CSO, and ASC.
4. Still gettin decent sleep... 7-8 hours a night.
5. Eating a lot, good for my physical growth.
6. Gonna hit up the internship career fair tomorrow and hoping to send out at least 5 applications this weekend.
Long story short:
I fuckin rock.
PS: u know that phrase "Behind every great man there's a great woman"? Iono. Maybe im the exception. Or maybe I'd be even greater with a woman by my side. Only time will tell.
Good songs I finally got into:
Trey Songz - Can't help but wait
J Holiday - Suffocate
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| It's always kind of lingered in my head until someone with good enough observational skills noticed it... And it's sort of a revelation to me. Like wow.
I'm scared to live life. I am so scared to live for the moment and instead, I always put my logic first. I'm scared of being hurt. Sometimes you need to act on your heart or act on instinct even when some facts are unavailable or when logic is impractical.
Utterly petrified.
Life is too short to always live with inhibitions.
Another thing to add to my Personal To-Do List but this time... I have no idea how to improve that aspect of myself. Absolutely inexperienced.
PS: Thanks CC and GQ.
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Give some shouts!
