last entry in this xanga

new one> http://www.xanga.com/f_a_l_l_a_c_y

i look at the shining waters

i reach out with a yearning arm

the suface broken by my stroking fingers

i longed to drop into oblivion

sinking in2 the depths

my image broken by the ripples

shards of my shattered dreams painfulli reflected

i tried to grasp at the shards in vain

escaped me at every attempt

draining away from my useless hands

 my dreams are haunted with reflections of nightmares

the broken shards scattered about my feet,

my knees and palms bloody for havin knelt down

upon the brutal shards....

sharp pain blazing thru my numbed senses

trying 2 hold and cling onto my sanity with little avail......

i so desperately wanted 2 let go

to fall away from this reality

to have it all cease to spin

let go of everything

simply sink down and forget

drifting away like the fallen leaves of autumn......

melt away like the snow of winter's eve.....

trickle past like the blood through my fingers.....

hide in the shadows away from the rays of light......

my crimson fingerprints streaked across the windowpanes

glass smeared and smudged

this looking glass between the realms

the intangible shards

desperate grasps as they turn to smoke

shattered dreams as insanity turns

waltzes on2 the dancefloor

spinning a dizzying pace

swirling in a storm of chaos

----------------------------------------

i'll become a mute

just because you want me to shut up

i'll disappear from terra firma

just because you told me 2 go away

i'll become everything i'm not

just because you want me 2

::::EDIT::::

if i've been rude or somehow offended u in some way, plz leave a comment bout it. i'm more than willing to personalli apologize for n e wrong i have done 2 u, whether it was intentional or not.

after readin over my last post about my anger i realized that those who's always told me that i'm not good enough is completely ryte

i realized that I'm complete inadequate and have just been in denial about it. I was wrongfulli angry over the constant criticism and lectures.

i was in complete denial about the issue but i see that its all been true, i'm just not good enough no matter wat and i finalli accept that.

-my poems are of little, if of any quality

-my drawings are a waste of time and no effort

-i'm horribly rude and irritating

-i'm just plain stupid 

-i have no substantial talent in any area at all

-the books i read are for no purpose

-i will never b successful in life

-nothing i ever do is ryte

-any work i do has little value

-i don't care about anyone but myself, < i guess i fooled myself all this time in2 thinkin that i wanted 2 just help others >

-my anger was completely pointless and had no reason for it

i finalli accept these truths that have been constantly told and lectured 2 me and i came to see that i was in denial of it all

its alryte, i now kno that i'm just inadequate and don't relali have n e value 2  anyone, i'm a nuisance and its not like n e one realli needs me in n e way, i just get in their way instead.

its a big relief to not feel any anger anymore, just accepting it all and knowing the truth of it. i can see everything now and i can understand.

example/story::>

wen i was in kindergarten and 1st grade........

i wanted to become an artist being that i loved art. I adored drawing and making paintings but was constantly told i wasnt good enough to become an artist and that i wuld never make enuf money or stay happi.

being an artist was the onli ambition i had i aboslutely knew i wanted or had the will 2 aim 4. i gave it up after being told time and time again that i wuld never make it as an artist but i never found another area that interested me that much or gave me as much motivation even now, even the possibility of being an artist or going in2 an art related field appeals 2 me in an abstract way now.

i see that i was never good enough to do n e thing with art and it was just a pointless goal 2 attempt 2 pursue even then wen i was in kindergarten.

i have no talents in any area and therefore i am completely lost as 2 what 2 aim 4. but now that the truth has been finalli come 2 light i see that i will always fall short in w/e area i go in2 so i no longer feel any anger at being discouraged in everything i do, it was for the best and my fault 4 thinking i had at least a little bit 2 offer wen i in fact have nothing of value.

thank you for all those who kept telling me the truths

i finalli see the truth 4 myself and no longer filled with anger as i now accept it all.

officialli pissed, one thing i cant stand is being spoken to as if i was inferior, i absolutely hate it, ppl assume things about me that are very far from the truth whther i led them 2 that conclusion or they just come up with them. i've had enough of ppl tellin me that i'm stupid, useless, or w/e, theyr prolli tru but no need 2 shove it in my face at every chance they get. but i take it all trying not 2 show how much it affects me, just act like i'm rather simple-minded and pathetic, mayb i am simple-minded and pathetic but it still hurts. I dont even know why i take it all with a blank look.

"Oh dont wry, Mei isn't that sensitive"

or......"she doesnt even know what we're saying"

just cuz i dont do n e thing bout the crap i hafta take doesnt mean i dont feel it. Better yet i get compared to my younger sisters about how i'm so inadequate and stupid while my sisters are put on a pedestal. its funny how they over over my sisters and scream at me for even implying something that culd even remotely make them upset even if i was trying 2 tell the truth.

questions/ statement my parents never bother 2 even ask or say to me:

-how was ur day ?

-what do u think of  [ insert subject]? <no conversation has ever been about my opinion or feelings on something

-are u ok?

......i realized the list culd go on 4ever, they dont kno a thing about me, from my favorite colors to how my day was

amusing in a sorta ironic and biting way how they come to so many conclusions that are based on nothing except wat i choose 2 sho them, guess its my fault for always showing them the side they want 2 see.

one day i'm going to disappear from my family and they prollli wuldnt even care, more like good riddance with the constant disgust they sho 4 me and how i'm such a mess. itd b priceless 2 sho them all that i dont need them, not like i ever told them n e thing bout me. not like i havent tried over and over again foolishly thinking that somehow i'd gain some sort of encouragement or at least acknowledgement.

My mom was giving my another one of her " you're so stupid" lectures and she commented on how i'm so willing tomake friends and get to kno ppl, and open myself up 2 ppl who sho they care even if it was a small thing when i barely look my parents in the eye n e more, in my mind i'm saying to myself when has she ever thanked me for anything or even sed n e thing without including the fact that i'm so stupid. if there was a time where she bothered to ask if i was alryte, its been long lost in the past, all i have now is the present and future.

......realization: i disgust myself

hectic, but hilarious day

typin up the menu 4 tomorrow for some kid's bar mitzvah gonna b 80-90 ppl and mayb more, at least i dont hafta deal with a bunch of 7 yr olds.....hopefulli lol

ima have my annual bbq on july 4th, this yr its gonna b at my new house 4 the 1st time. so itd b great if a few of my friends dropped by 2 chill a lil, id realli aprreciate it and mayb we'll play a lil tennis, who knows lol

give me a light peck on the cheek,

just a little acknowledgement,

a bit of freely given love

take me soaring in the sky

Last day of school finalli over, i'm gonna b takin all honors and i'll have AP history, already have a stack of books for that class ><

not gonna have a study or lunch period which will suck but o well

well i hafta get rdy for the senior graduation, i'm playin in the band so catch u all laterz***

<3

:::EDIT::::

tired as hell, after playing the graduating song about a million times, had 2 sit thru the entire ceremony and went straight 2 work afterwards, so glad i can sleep in now without wrying bout takin a test, late hw or n e thing like that.

SUMMER so we gotta chill, chek me if u wanna hang out ^_^