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Aznfool
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Name: Michael
Country: United States
State: New Jersey
Birthday: 5/19/1986
Interests: You suggest and I'll listen.
Expertise: Looking sharp. Living smart.
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/20/2002
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| the last entry i asked when do we know to say yes.
but now i ask when do we know to say no.
and what is it that causes our inability to say no. truthfully its finals time and i should be using this time to study but things just float through my mind, things i wish i could get rid of but find so hard at the same time.
i sometimes think i don't know when to say no. well that's not true. i guess what i realize is that i don't know when to say no when i want something yet i know its not good for me. is it desire? hidden desire that makes pursue unwanted acts? am i the only person out there doing this? does this make me a bad person? sometimes i don't know how to control myself and i am afraid.
i guess the truth is that i am afraid a lot. i'm not unconfident, because i am confident. i'm confident in my abilities. like i said before, if i don't want something there's very little chance of persuading me to do something, but when i do want something, i scheme, i think, i find twisted ways to get what i want. now of course that last part was pretty extreme. i don't mean extremely twisted ways, i don't hurt anyone, at least no intentionally.
i guess this all stems to dating. when i was younger all i wanted to do was date a girl. but now i'm very unsure about dating a girl. why do i need to date, i ask myself sometimes. i find as i grow older i seem to think i have less time to do these things, to go out and have a solid relationship. or rather is this my excuse for not having one? does this make me an extremely selfish person. i think so. i know i am selfish, and i can't change that. i'm sorry
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| so when do we say yes? when do you definitely know? if only i knew | | |
| this entry is for those of you who still read my xanga. i'll
entertain you this time, altho i do have an exam in a day which i
should be studying for, but i thought this would be funny.
i'm going to recap the different periods of my life in terms of my girlfriends.
I) The Bronze Age- Jenny Randolph. I was young and naiive and this was
the perfect time start a relationship. I think we started to date after
a Fun Night in middle school. I asked her to dance a few times that
night and the next thing you know, I'm her boyfriend, or rather we're
going out. I remember she cut her hair and she actually looked decent.
But I eventually ignored her because I was afraid she was going to ask
me to have sex. and I wasn't ready. so that didn't end well.
Vannesa Wotasek. Technically my first kiss. Oh that sofa. How is reaked
of smoke. cuz she was a big smoker. I remember I went over her house
that day, cuz I knew she was going to hook up with me. And we did, and
we started dating. That lasted a whole weeks as I never paid attention
to her. This was freshman year in high school. Then she left me for
another guy. oh well.
II) The Silver Age- So I grew up a bit. I was now in high school and I
thought I was cool. sure. then Kerry Xie hit. It was Christmas. I was a
sophomore now and she came over with her mom for our party. Four hours
later and after she smacked me silly, she making out on top of me. Damn
I was so good. Then I realized she was a psycho bitch when she screamed
and kicked Wenhai in the balls. obviously it didn't work out. but we
dated for a month. New record for me. then I found out she asked Wenhai
to the junior prom. damnit. sigh.
Then there was the Hsu. Lillian Hsu. four months we dated. I loved her.
I was a junior now and she came into my life. or rather I made an
abrupt pass in her life. Her mom found out about us one day and bitched
me out. But that's ok. Lillian remade me into a pensive, depressive,
wholly pessismistic person. And she made me a better person. I grew up
with Lillian and while I did experience my first true heartbreak. I
think I was a better person for it.Until I found out she got with
Richard. then I hated her for a while.
III) The Kristin Age
The Kristin Age began when I was in 7th grade in Mr. Kunich's class. I
swear one day she came in wearing a yellow sundress. which she
denies...whattever. So I tried asking her out in freshman year. didn't
work. Then we started dating in Senior year and did so all the way into
college. When we finally broke up I can't say I was devastated, but I
knew I found the love of my life. or at least thus far the love of my
life. She was everything to me and we did everything together. for 2.5
years I didnt' know anybody else and I didn't want to. Picture
everything you could want in another person, and that was Kristin for
me. I loved Lillian, but I truly loved Kristin. there's no denying it.
Although sometimes she drove me crazy. OMG she drove me crazy.
IV) The Gilded Age. Jennifer Kong. My first distinct memory was us in
Chinese Classics Class and her telling me she was going to cheat on the
final exam. I didn't know her and I gave her a stare. Then I remet her
sophomore year in college after the Kristin Age and we hit it off. Or
rather things happened. It wasn't all bad, but we were so similar that
now I know I can never date someone the same as me. We didn't work out
nevertheless cuz I was an asshole. This I'll admit, altho I dont' feel
bad. We were just too different. But during this time I became very
depressive. I dont' know why. She was pretty girl, nice,
intelligent. Everything somebody else could want. Just not me.
So there, I hope whoever reads this is amused. Cuz I'm amused typing it. Its my life in a nutshell and how I grew up.
so yeah you know what
peace out guys
my style.
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| so what do you do?
you had somthing, and in some ways you really wanted it, but you didn't
want it at the same time. and you stopped, and you ran away.
now on nights when you're lonely you think of everything good that was
there. but then you think of everything bad. and for some reason you
can't think of anything bad?
do our memories leave us? are they skewed somehow by time? what is this that we feel that we need to feel?
to be honest, i ran away from my problems, i enjoy running away. its weak i know, i'm not denying it, but it feels good.
the first time i ran away i came back to where i started and that
didn't work. but this time i ran away, and i made sure i ran away. how
could i do that? i still don't know. in truth there are times when i'm
not fine, that i want to pick up the phone and make a call, but no
phone number is listed anymore, no screen names, no facebook. so then i
think to myself, i really did it this time. i cut out everything.
but is this what i want? i don't know altho i'm not entirely as confused as this entry makes me seem.
i just don't know what else i would have done. face it like a man? maybe. maybe not.
i hate complaining altho i do it often enough. hypocritical.
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