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| my heart is breaking......into a million pieces.
i woke up today with a painful reminder of why i started running away from home. now i feel like my heart is breaking all over again. its a painful realization that my heart still hurts and still feels like its being broken for the first time. i lost the first real happiness i ever had a long time ago. i still cry about it over and over again. so i hope i never loose the second piece of pure happiness that i have.
looking back, there's nothing i would have changed. If i ever went back and changed it, i know it still would have ended up the same. but i'm glad i'm going back to my home state. i'm glad to know that i'll have my childhood friends with me again. as long as i have my friends, i will gladly let my heart break a million more times. i can't always be the strong one.
so i hope that happiness reaches all of you.
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THE GHOST OF YOU AND ME - LESS THAN JAKE
I've been down
wandering past 2nd street
and looking at the ghosts
of you and me and thinking back on
all those memories of how we used to be
I've been hearing
I hear those voices
over the noises of the breaking glass
and all those plans we had to get us through
they're never coming true
And I hope and hope
that you won't forget
and I hope and hope you know
that I can clearly see
The ghosts of you and me
'cause I'm just a long-gone memory
and you're still alive
and I'm still getting by
on these dead end streets
the ghosts of you and me
I'm still talking
I talk of what we'll do
to the ghosts of me and you
and I'm still looking back into the past
when we were all we had
And I hope and hope
that you won't forget
and I hope and hope you know
that I can clearly see
[Chorus]
the ghosts of you and me [x2]
Hope you won't forget
hope you know that I'll always regret
those things I said
hope you know that I can clearly see
[Chorus]
the ghosts of you and me [x3]
Yeah | | |
| friends or love.so i lied. sue me! its been a week or two since i've posted. its also been about a week since i've talked to a certain someone. sometimes i'm scared to go back. scared of how well we got along and the fact that its probably a good idea that i dont talk to you as much as i used to. somehow it always lead to trouble. if not trouble, then problems.
we used to talk about everything. we're good together. we have fun. we talk about everything or anything. i dont have to be afraid of being a screw up. you understand completely. you're actually in the same boat. everyone seems to have lost confidence in you. you've helped me grow so much in the past few years and helped me be more of who I am instead of who they want me to be.. whats more important? having a friend like you or having love. as much as i am FOR keeping friends. i'm not sure how much longer wa can stay friends. its not like my boyfriend would be upset if i stayed friends with you.. he loves me and trusts me completely. he lets me do whatever i want. its the tone in his voice when you call or when i call you. it gives me this uncertainty. its the tone where you can tell they just think you're setting yourself up for disappointments. he doesnt say anything. so i still talk. i'm scared to go back and see you like i promised. sometimes hanging out with you just makes me feel like nothing else matters. you're only a phone call away, then everything feels better. you know how to cheer me up or you can tell when just listening helps. i know there are things holding us both back. someday i hope i can make a choice. someday i hope we will be good friends once again....
...growing up you see tv shows and movies showing you whats more important? having friends who believe in you and love you or you having a love who believes in you and loves you, starting a family. i always see it as one helps you find another. but which one should i choose. somehow i think it will end in heartache for me anyway. | | |
| seeing clearly.as of my last post, everything seems more clearly to me. i'm on a good feeling path. i'm walking this path that for the first time, i feel so sure that it's going to work.
in the past i've gone through good and bad relationships. some that were just bad to begin with. some that were always good, but just not at the right times. i'm not just talking about boys or friends, i'm also talking about my decisions for school and the way my life is heading. this is the most comfortable feeling i've had in my whole life.
most of you have lost contact with me. some of you think you still know who i am. i have those friends who i love dearly that i grew up with from high school or even earlier who i still talk to every few months or so, and some who i have recently made in my traveling. some of you think i'm still the reckless rebel i was in high school just because i refuse to let my parents make my choices for me. i know i have those friends who think that i'll never change.. i can tell in the tone of your voice. i'm letting you guys know, that i make my choices because they are my own. i don't want to graduate to just get a degree. most people go into college, get a degree, and don't even end up getting a job in the degree they graduated in. they get a degree, just to HAVE a degree. When I graduate, I want to have a degree in something i KNOW i want to do for the rest of my life. until then, i refuse to waste my parents money.
after i graduated high school, i did what my parents wanted me to do. i went to college. then they were scared of who i would become if i stayed in texas. so when my sister graduated and got engaged, she got a job in cali. i moved to cali because my parents wanted me to help out my sister with her wedding plans. so just when i was becoming comfortable, my parents moved me to cali. i adjusted. i got a job at starbucks and met some of the most awesome people i know living in cali. some who i know will always be there for me. just as i was getting used to things, my room mate lost her job. we couldn't afford rent so my parents wanted me to move back to texas. the reason i chose not to move back to texas was because my parents would have my brother follow me around. i wouldnt be allowed to see most of my friends who are the ONLY reason i would move back to texas. my parents would also make me get a degree in nursing.. which i do not want to do.
(this is getting way longer than i thought it was going to be, so i'm leaving out some details)
while i was living in cali in nov 06, i met david miller at the theater that i worked at. he didn't work there long, but he liked hanging out with us. so we stayed friends, randomly hanging out from time to time. a year goes buy and in sept. 07 i got plastered off my ass and asked him to make out.. one of my drunken moments, ya know? ever since then we've been together. i kept telling him that i didnt want to get serious b/c i knew i would eventually move again and he was moving to washington. well since i lost my apartment, he asked me to move with him to washington. so this is another reason i chose not to move back to texas. he's helped me a lot. we compliment each other. he keeps me out of trouble, but still lets me have fun. i can be myself and he doesnt judge me or tell me what to do. he treats me the way i want to be treated... no, not just the way i want to be treated, but also the way i need to be treated.
while living in cali, i lost contact with some of my friends. some i didn't lose contact, but we lost each other. the distance changed us. some just called because we had been friends for so long, not really saying anything, but just making sure we were alive. some only called when they needed something. some never called me, but would get upset if i didn't call them. and after talking to daisy last night for 2 hours, i realized that no matter how hard we try to keep in touch with all of our friends, some things just weren't meant to be. there are the friends who will always be your friend. i'm not just talking about an acquaintance, but a friend, who would be there for you no matter what or how long you havent talked. she reminded me that although we don't talk much, i still have friends out there who are willing to be there. those are my true friends. the ones that, if i would fly to texas (or any state where my friends live) right now.. i know who would drive a couple of hours to see me and who wouldnt. the ones that would do anything and make time to come see me, are the ones that will be my friend for life. i understand that there are some that can't drive.. those are the ones who would be calling me on the phone, welcoming me back to texas. i did my part. i flew halfway across the united states several times.
so to end this story, i can honestly say i see the path that i must go to have a happy life. i will need to work for some things, i know. like going back to school, but i know i made a confident choice about the comfortable path that i'm taking.
just letting you know (if you've gotten this far) this will be the first of a weekly update.
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| well hello to everyone who still checks my xanga for updates.. so i've been struggling a little lately... a little with friends, a little with work, a little with school, family, etc.. but surprisingly not so much in the love section. i'm happy with my new beau. my only sad story to tell is that i know it won't last long. he's moving to seattle at the end of december for family. a little upsetting on my part.. but you know, that's life.. i kinda get the feeling that i'm destined to be single for the rest of my life.. something always goes wrong. i'm trying not to think about when he leaves. honestly... he's perfect. if he'd ask, i'd follow him to seattle. | | |
| HELLO!
So, since April I realized that all guys are assholes.. not really. In all the rush of wedding preparations for my sister & Elliott, I was going through a lot of drama. I felt like I was in high school all over again. A boy got pissed off at me and our group of friends b/c they found out we had slept together. Two of my friends broke up, and the girl thought I had liked the boy... boy was she wrong. I was ditched by half of my friends when it came to my sister's wedding.. I'm still pretty pissed about that. I'm sorry unless you had a graduation, another wedding, life and death situation... I gave you a year's fucking notice. Be responsible.. it was a major thing for me. It was important to me. It's just hard to believe that most of you, I've been friends with for more than half my life and I have always been there for you guys, traveled hours and hours of driving just to help you through things. It's a real slap in the face.
Anyway, on the way I found out that my friend's 7-month old baby had an adrenal tumor and had to undergo surgery. On the night of my sister's reception, one of my friend's fiance died due to a drunk driver. He was walking across the street. A drunk driver was racing, ran a red light, was speeding, and ran over the guy. My friend was at my sister's wedding. She found out and was hysterical.. I'm pretty sure I would have been to. She was finally happy and had it all ripped away. Since we had to fly her back, I had to drive 23 hours straight back to Cali from Texas. I took off the following weekend to help my friend out. I also got a ticket, was dropped from my car insurance and now I can't drive for 3 years... unless my parents can find someone who can insure me.
In the midst of everything, I needed to find a place to live. I don't have good credit and everything is expensive in Cali as it is. After aimlessly driving around, looking for "for rent" signs, we went to an apartment complex. We found a really nice one as well. I'm excited about it and can't wait. Its right across the street from my work and about a 30 min bike to my school. Not too bad. I am extremely proud of myself for having the balls to quit my movie theater job. I got promoted at Starbucks. I am moving in with a girl from my group of friends. We get along great and have been hanging out with each other quite a lot lately. Her name is Casey Christiano.. She's gonna be on my ass about school. And so are her parents, who by the way remind me a lot of my parents.
As for other news, I am only going to be in California for one more year. Liza & Elliott miss Austin and are wanting to move back in June '08. After this year, I will be moving back to Denton. Hopefully by then I will have brought my GPA up so I can attend UNT again and finally graduate. I have plans to move in with my friend, Angie, and have the time of my life.
Take deep breaths.. I've got it under control. | | |
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