"Well this is kind of off topic, but i'd really like to meet somebody with the mentality of a child. not the immaturity, but the view and outlook that the entire world is one big playground. little kids obtain the best years of our lives. where all they do is build sandcastles and mudpies. and no overwhelming thoughts determine their actions. everything is carefree and fearless. I think once everyone ages, they overwhelm themselves with stress, worry, fear, and the idea that everything has to be perfected. We all think, if we try hard enough, things will eventually fall in place the way we would want it to. But i don't believe that it comes easy as it seems. Everything that occurs in this reality can never reach the perfection that we desire it to be. Because, in my opinion, perfection doesn't exist. But who ever said that was a bad thing? Failures, dissapointments, flaws and obstacles all navigate us through a more complicated, yet worthwhile, path. Without these complications and bent forks in the road, the pathway to contentment would be dull and boring. And success at the other end of the road would not be as grand as we intended it to be. So I guess all this stress about college apps, school, your low paying job , friends, relationships, parents and all other chaos in life will eventually smooth down the speed bumps that they created. Because after all, they're only little speed bumps right? big enough to slow you down, but never stop you from getting to the the other side of that road that was built for you..."

So I wrote that quite some time ago. October 2005 to be exact. Its funny. I look back on what I used to write about, and still find it evident to whats racing inside my head as of now. So much has gone by. So much has changed. So much has declined in greatness. & so much has blossomed. All at the same significant moment. Well, Im sitting here. 12:43 at night when I should be sleeping for school. Just a bit ago, I cruised past the internal playground & ventured into adulthood. My birthday has passed, & I am now of legal status & yes it does feel good. Although I haven't done anything worth mentioning yet. But hey. It is still early & I have my whole life ahead of me to experience all these highs.

These moments are ever changing.
Live fascinated. Live curious. Find it.
& then start to look up, because your
countenace sure is a sore sight for eyes.

Highly anticipating whats left to come.

Sometimes I forget how to just be ok. Im so used to this empty space & pessimistic attitude that I just simply forget the bright side of life. And when contentment starts to overwhelm my soul, the mix of two just doesnt react properly. Am I really supposed to feel like this? Its like I know I can be happy with myself & I want to untighten this impossible screw, but something forbids me to twist the knob. I find myself seeking every inch of negativity in a well defined moment. As time strings along, little problems get resolved, but at the same time, heaps of burden gets placed upon my shaky shoulders. Maybe I just underestimate those solutions and overanalyze those "giant" burdens. Its as if when something postive happens, I feel obligated to knock it down with 10 times the negative impact. Sometimes I feel like I am allowing myself to continue walking towards this dark path. It feels weird. Maybe its just what Im now used to. Hard to adjust when Im just used to occupying this empty cave. Its like I stopped running away. and just settled down in this abandoned space. Not even thinking that I could just get up and walk back to what I thought was contentment. Its dark. Lonely. Empty. Negative. & what makes it fearful, is that Im comfortable...

Currently Watching Grey's Anatomy - Season 1 see related

i am running away from my problems. yes. im fully aware of that. but i cant seem to stop running. faster and faster and faster. until ill run out of all breath. until it feels my heart is going to pump right out of my chest. until my legs finally decide to give out from the constant forced pushing. i am running away from the past, yet still find myself dwelling among it. endless. neverending miles. eventually the present is going to catch up with me. knock me off my blistering feet. and ill get a chance to slow down, catch a breath. and walk. not away. but towards my issues. and im going to face everything before im way too far a distance from the truth. your past affects your present actions. and those actions reflect the future ahead of you. stop running and turn around. you dont know how many times i imprint that into my stream of thought. im still learning. slow learning. slow progress is some progress. right now, im running away. still running, but without so much effort to leave. the present has already caught up to me. snapped my eyes open. im 10 times more stressed and worried than i was before i took off running. im scrambling. scrambling to fix the present and set my future. so i guess running away does nothing. in fact, you find yourself both hands full of more things to fix. we all run away, seeking the easy way out of confrontation, dilemmas, reality and our biggest fears. stop running and turn around. life starts from there.

took him for granted. took life for granted. took memories for granted.

please give me strength. im bursting at my seams. holding this all in. its been over a year.

i cant find myself. i want to help others. but i cant even help myself.

i dont need anyone to make me happy. when i dont even know what makes myself happy.

i abuse myself. glided over breaking points. you only see this mask.

nothing seems to make me happy anymore. its been so long. im still lost.

my soul dropped. some time ago. i cant find solutions to lift it.

no one can lift it. i cant lift myself. im not happy with myself.

i have nothing going for me. i cant find what im good at. trying.

but not hard enough. i live in the past. because my heart still lingers there.

my mindset is chaotic. mentally fatal. emotional wreckage.

i want to leave happy. im going to leave with regrets.

ive tried so hard to seek reassurance in others, in myself. life isnt set.

one insignificant dot in the blur of the moment. i miss

too many things. thats my problem. events come and go. i want

too hard to create more. i try too hard. or i dont try at all.

im materialistic to the point where it creates damage.

material things only offer me temporary happiness.

maybe that explains why im so materialistic. desperately scrambling to

seize every temporary envelope of happiness floating dangerously around.

to make up for my lack of self-contentment. it started off with one significant

event. the most painstaking thing ill ever experience. so significant that it

killed my well being and opened other tightly nailed doors. im exposed.

to reality. to life. to myself. im growing. i fight endless obstacles.

conquered most. with the guilty pleasure of finding the easy way out.

but this one big obstacle. im stumped. jumbled and confused.

because there is no such thing as the easy way out. misguided turns

lead to wrong doors. im by myself. im alone. i cant depend on the

reassurance of your hand anymore. to make me happy. to keep me alive.

im so lost. i lost myself. i let my high spirits slip out from under my nose.

i dont understand my actions. but i do. my eyes are open, yet sewned shut

at the same time. i keep myself busy. in order to escape reality. there i go.

finding the easy way out again. im busy to the point where i cant think straight.

and that builds up more stress. i worry too much. i forgot how it feels like

to be carefree. theres always something to do. to be accomplished. i

cant even accomplish myself. im off balance. i am selfish. i am normal.

i need help. i really need help. i need guidance. i need light at the end

of this neverending tunnel. im so lost. yearning so desperately to be content

with myself. give me hope. give me faith. i need guidance.

Currently Listening Diamonds on the Inside By Ben Harper see related

- Walk Away

"And once again, that rising sun is a droppin' on down.

and once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found."

       Some interesting events have occurred i must say. The year is sailing on by & honestly, i cant keep up. Havent really realized that this is it. hit me already. because THIS IS REALLY IT. Im seeing that ive been living in the past still. And those lingering thoughts in the past keeps me from reaching my full potential in whats going on now. Ahh I am going crazy tonight and I have too many ideas why. Im so scared. Of soooo many things. Part physical, part mental & most emotional. Ive been so emotional this year. Whether its been times where ive been floating on the clouds with over-contentment, or whether ive been struck down so low where im crying for no reason. Im growing up alot. too much and too fast. Its scaring me so much becuase like everyone else, I dont want to grow up. Im trying so hard to step out of my comfort zone this time, because I want to caution and get myself used to what Im going to be experiencing within the next 6 months.

       The bad is that I havent really decided what to do with myself yet. My ideal career seems so far and out of reach. I beat myself up for too many things i DIDNT do. or DIDNT give enough thought to. Regret always lingers. What can you do. Its going to be over soon. 6 months. Im definitely counting down the days. The most of my senior year has already made my decision for me. Im eager to leave and never look back to be influenced. Anticipation. To start a new life, to surround myself with different people, to live in a complete different environment, and to just start over. I need refreshment from all things these 4 years have thrown at me. In the long run, Ill be estatic to leave. But I know that very last moment will be the most bittersweet event ill ever experience. Because the good memories are what makes it hurt the most. & i want more of those. More good memories to be created. but its hard to keep hoping for that, the ways things have been going. but hey. who knows. things seemed like they turned around for the better for a week or two. maybe next turn will last a bit longer.

     I hate the feeling when you want something so bad, but you feel you cant do anything about it. But in reality, that one thing you want can only happen if YOU decide to balls up and reach for it. In this case, I know better. I just dont know why Im so scared. It makes sense to be, I suppose. But you have to take chances. Make risks. Dont doubt yourself so much to the extent where you wont even try for anything. Yeuh. I need to imprint those thoughts into my head and follow them. Rejection shouldnt always be a bad thing. Once you fall down, pick yourself up and try again. You havent failed yet. The only failure is never trying or giving it up all together. I bet you, the worst u can gain from trying is perseverance. And who ever said that was a bad thing?

     Well that is all. Lets keep this sweet & short. Mhm maybe not short. but ok. Byeeeeeeee.