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| i cant hardly see whats in front of mei am all sorts of fucked up in my head.
i think its starting to work itself out.
i think i know what im trying to do. and not do.
but when i start thinking too hard it gets all fucked up again.
how does one not think?
girls always do this to me.
fuck with my head so badly.
today i sat on this very couch for five hours.
all by myself.
smoking cigarettes and wallowing in my
self pity and self loathing.
how fucking pathetic.
i layed here and cried for a good solid hour.
over what?
a week..a measley little week of hoping?
what the hell?
am i really one of THOSE girls?
no way.
im not supposed to be like this.
im supposed to have it all together.
i can hold my own
i am strong
where am i?
lost in rejection.
my ego is totally bruised.
why am i never good enough? never the one?
always always always someone better.
someone more worthy.
why doesnt anyone else see the beauty in me that i feel?
am i imagining it?
i sometimes confuse things. is this one of those?
do i see something that doesnt exist?
i do that alot. i know for sure.
i make things up.
i read so closely. too closely. just to find some tiny miniscule
particle that i cling to and hold forever.
something to wish on. to hope for.
is that so wrong?
to want to be swept off my feet?
for someone to fall in love with me?
but not at the same time...hah. my ridculous double standards.
i just want to feel the same way about someone as they feel about me.
relationships are always one sided
someone always feels more
someone always gets hurt more
good guy vs. bad guy.
im always the bad guy.
with boys anyway.
i just dont quite understand what im doing wrong?
i cannot be happy with anything.
most boys do not keep my interest long enough.
most girls let me down at every chance they get.
what the fuck?
why do i fall so head over heels so quickly for the ones that are just going to fuck me up. do i know they are going to? am i a glutton for punishment? i never thought so in my head. maybe the bad ones are just more interesting? they have a lure about them. i dont know
this one didnt seem like one of those. she was sweet and innocent. not a bitch. not a "rebel" or a musician. or anything of the sort. i was interested. still am. but...she loves someone else. someone who does not compare to me...not to be rude or egotistical..but really. fifteen and fucking nuts. to nineteen with most of her shit together...i dunno.
i just feel sooo confused and lost. im not sure where i belong anymore.
im at the point of not being able to function around my real friends anymore. the ones that i have known since i was 14 and 15. i cannot be myself. ive been through this before.
unable to speak. to laugh. to join in. i become reclusive. like i want to spend time with people. but i cant make myself. i have to force a smile. force myself to talk. to listen even. just try and try to get out of my head. but its sooo fucking hard.
i dont know how to get out of my head.
not now. not when its like this.
its like i become socially retarded. anxiety takes over. i do nothing but sit there and clench my teeth. thinking about anything else. holding back tears.
i hope it all comes back to me like it did last time.
i fear that i will be like this my whole life. and become a fucking hermit with 50 goddamn cats. just like that asshole predicted. i will be old and decrepid spending my birthdays alone. just me and my cats...how pathetic.
i do not want to become my grandmother.
i must push these feelings. these fears. away. out of my life. out of my head.
no bitter old woman. no more alone. i must do it.
im going to get on my feet. im going to function again.
im going to try again.
try try try again and maybe
no maybe.
I WILL SUCCEED. | | |
| the truth that is me
come out of me
let the truth spill from inside to out
ive been up for hours
seems like days
time is forever
the sun is rising in its radiance over the trees
like a turtle peeking shyly from its shell
and the world is new
my past is no myster
and yet i know nothing of it
no big stories no great hardships
just a middle class girl
searching for her place in it all
searching for wisdom
searching for love
in youth or in age?
which is which?
whats what?
am i growing in mind?
or just think that i am
my self is confused and my mind is lost
but i, i am found
love is all that matters
what is that?
love
love
love
will i ever find it?
will it ever find me?
this clever game of hide n seek
am i continuously looking finding searching
i am the question and i am the answer
so there it is
the truth that is me
i am nothing
i am everything
my mind is never made up
and yet always is
| | |
| im going to texas!!!!! im stoked. | | |
| fleeting stars
fleeting memories
i am transient
like beauty
forever running
escaping reality
you are the weight
that holds me down
keeping me safe
on the ground
sing with me please...
i need your support
your help and guidance
we are nothing
and yet there
is
always
something
something
anything
i need to fly
fly away away
far far
away
give me my wings
| | |
| my perception of reality is so off. i live in a dream world. its not as good as it seems. | | |
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