..more than the heart can take..
07.23.07

i remember the night so clearly
as though i were not impaired
the quiet of the house
save the room we shared..
drunken jokes & poking fun
& the television on low
& yet that empty feeling crept in
with the knock at the door..
peace turned to chaos
friend to enemy
& i was pushed too far,
his hand at my throat
& the knife in the wall..
i slammed the bathroom door
heard screaming in the hall
while i cowered by the porcelin thrown..
anarchy claimed my mind
memories flooded forth from the depths
& the pain that laced them
shattered all logic..
small white dots in my palm
seemed the only way to get away
scooped into my stomache
& spilled across the floor..
the door broke loose
& threats rang clear
the cops were there,
out the back i disapeared
down the path through the soping grass
the rain disguised the tears
i stood outside the old folks home
& hopelessness consumed me..
a stranger walked from the building
held, comforted, & prayed for me
she persuaded me to go home
handcuffs restrained the hands that had been at my throat
his eyes showed relief upon seeing me
but his actions spoke differently
influenced far too greatly
his anger controlled him..
i felt cold, from the inside out
a feeling difficult to explain
the way out had started to kick in..
the lights came & the siren sounded
an iv dangled from my vein..
he didn't come along
i was alone, & felt it.

..& i whisper..

i thought that by loving so completely..
so many of the people that surround me..
that somehow..
somewhere..
someone..
could love me the same way.

it's quite dangerous of me
to follow such intimate morality.

love me?
or
lose me.