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| sorry guys, i've been mia.
check pp.
happy dog year lovelies.
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| Tis the season to be jolly...
... and I have yet to get around to do my christmas shopping.
I dread shopping, let alone, for other people. I kid, I kid..I'm selfish but not that selfish.
.
.
.
I find every reason in the book of excuses to not shop. Reasons include but are not limited to:
(1) Transit Strike
(2) Watching my bootlegged family guy episodes to catch up to this season
(3) If I buy some people a present, I will get angry responses from those whom I haven't bought anything for.
You see, gifts are only a way to divide the special people from the losers. It's just like in fifth grade, when the popular kids would get invitation cards and the others just ended up blowing up their schools. It all started because of that one christmas when everyone got a present but that one kid in the corner (poor jewish boy) and gosh darnnit, I refuse to be a part of that! Whether I like you or not, everyone will be subjected to no gifts--dont thank me now but you can thank me later.
Yes, so rather than concoct a list of how tos for gift-giving to people (my original plan) I'd like to introduce:
How to avoid awkward moments when you receive a gift with nothing in return. :) because as the saying goes, isn't it better to give than to receive?
1. Tell them you "left" their gift at home, and if they had only mentioned they were meeting you up today (of which they reminded you three times), even the universe, itself, wouldn't of stop you from giving it.
2. Tell them your last finals/work related matter kept you so busy, you didn't even have time to buy your poor mother a gift.
3. New Yorkers-- we had a transit strike. And you, my dear, like to "personally" buy your gift. What's with this whole impersonal ordering gifts online anyway?
3A. Tell them you were forced to order their gift online because of the transit strike and it should be coming anytime soon. Anytime now. Avoid them until next christmas.
4. Smile-- and run. Lick your present and you'll offically claim it as yours!
5. Keep cards with you at all times. Excuse yourself to a bathroom break, fill out the card, and include a folded twenty buckeroo into a cute origami design. (I swear..I've never done this, and if you got one from me, it really did take me hours to fold that darn thing.)
Happy Holidays Everyone!
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| The necessity of a vibrator.
Am I lewd or am I lewd? That’s right. I said it.
Whether you are single or taken, I think every woman should have a vibrator. We should all be armed.
Some girls tell me their sex lives suck—for lack of a better word. No fireworks. Just chirping frogs. Ribbit.Ribbit.
I have heard horror stories of “Guys gone wild” on the nether region (I’ll save stories for another day). The truth is no one should know your body better than yourself. If you don’t know what feels good, how will he?
Another reason to keep a vibrator handy?
The progressive male. This man would like to feel in control of sex and would like to believe sex has no power on him. That this is the 21st century and the power of the pussy has no power at all. No sir-ree. He is strong man number one. He can go on a sex strike if he wants to. He is almighty for the whole of 20 seconds.
I woke up craving some morning nookie one day, when my dating partner REJECTED me. REJECTED REJECTED.
#()*$@)(*!.
Sex rejection. This is the FIRST. The feeling I had right after was new. I had never felt it before.
Ah, yes- frustration.
My dating partner went on a sex strike and I was out of handy options. My double A strikebreaker was at home. What was I to do?
That day, I reminded myself to buy one of those portable ones and make him sorry for thinking such strikes have any effect on me. ANY!! None whatsoever.
I bet we’re all wishing right now we had strikebreakers for today’s strike. | | |
| Flowers and chocolate no more.
Tis
the season of gift giving so welcome to the world of customized gifts.
Never before has it been so hard to impress a girl. Lets face it—we’re
not easily impressed. Call it high maintenance. Call it snobby. But
flowers and chocolate just doesn't cut it for a gal anymore. Sure, it’s
a nice gesture. I’ll give you a look of approval, a pinch on the cheek
and maybe a slap on the butt (if you are lucky) but five minutes later,
expect those flowers to be a long gone distant memory (sorry).
Leave an impression.
  
If
you know me, you would know I am a lip gloss/balm whore. I’ve tried the
twelve step program but always end up quitting after eleven. My little
idiosyncrasy has morphed me into a chapstick nut of a sort. If I stop
at a drugstore, I can’t leave before checking out the new “goods,”
whenever possible. The same goes for Sephora.
Knowing this, a
special gentleman decided to nix the flowers and chocolate route and
opt for the gift above. It looks like a new brand of Chapstick, but all
the small details are modified and are actually inside jokes between
us. In monetary value, it’s probably no more than two bucks but believe
me when I say this gift will have a lasting impression on me.
Word
to the wise: If your talent is drawing, don’t try to sing to her. Take
your best quality and show it off better than the pig judging contest
at the tri-county fair. Don’t just give me a peek—moon me. In this case, he is a graphic designer so his gift made perfect sense. | | |
| Nice guys finishing first, for the first time. hey, it was bound to happen sometime.
"He's different."
I shoot my cousin Frankie with the what-do-you-mean-he's-different look. He understands my facial expression.
"He actually looks down to earth, unlike most of the guys you date."
Okay, so I admit. I have had my share of the oh so chizzled jocks and model-esque duds who talk about nothing but themselves. Or, the financial investment banker that lived in a penthouse duplex (sweeeeet). Or, the guy who thought he was complimenting me by saying he wanted to date a "normal" girl for once and not one of the usual beautiful girls he was usually chasing after (fucker--die! but only after I take your little heart and squish it to little pieces... muhahahah, uh no anger here). 
I am guilty of dating the egotistical maniacs. In my defense though, I thought it was confidence and confidence is sexy. That, or I just wanted to fuck 'em. Ha.
I had a complex. I wanted to changed the guy to my idea of perfection. I might as well of put one of those name tags on me that said "Hello, My Name is 'C', and I want to be your life altering savior."
No more.
Most of my girl friends (and myself) are at a point where they've tried their bad boy, had a first love, and are ready for the guy after "him."
There's good news for the nice guys out there, in case you didn't get the memo:
Don't fret. Nice guys are this seasons new black.
I wouldn't even give the bad boy a look (alright, maybe just a glance) today.
You give me a choice between the bad and the good, and I will hands down go for the good in a heartbeat.
I have a theory. It's called the good boy darwinism of dating. If we keep ignoring the bad boys, and only go for the good, we're only going to get more of the good, and the bad boys will die, and disintegrate, and go extinct and we'll live happily ever after with our seth cohens in the world. The end.
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