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| many times i've tried and it all the same result.my mind is eating itself, just little nibbles.
i think i'm going crazy and I don't think it's a joke.
if anyone could predict it, here it is.
my mind is emploding and i feel myself fading.
i don't know what i think.
I can't breathe. I feel lost. I feel cold.
i feel dead.
I want to be beautiful.
to myself.
everyday when i wake up.
i don't want to question myself.
i want to feel it all.
i want to drive, and drive, and ride a roller coaster until i throw up, but not literally that long.
I want to lose myself in a day so carefree.
no worries. no talking shit. no rules. nothing.
if i could starve myself, you bet i would, and cut off it all from my veins, feel only what is nessessary, leave it all behind.
i'm going nowhere, but i am trying my best to get there.
would someone have a little faith that I can be my own boss.
let me live, because right now, i'm not.
this isn't life, this is dying.
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| What time are we upon and where do I belong?"I had been dreaming of him and wishing for him forever. When I met Valentine I wasn't afraid anymore. I knew that my soul would always have a reflection and an echo and that even if we were apart - and we were for a while in the beginning - I finally knew what my soul looked and sounded like. I would have that forever, like a mirror or an echoing canyon."
I am a girl. I love to swing, I get a lot of joy taking pictures, children make me happy, even annoying ones. I love the simplicty in children, the way they always seem so naive, but in that good kind of way. The way everyone is so naive at one point. I love colours, especially the colours of sunsets. I love reading stories by Francesca Lia Block, I love looking at art by monet. I like sitting at the park and talking, and I really like polka dots. I love to listen to kiss and black sabbath, but i love the beach boys and I really love blink 182. I don't have a favorite movie genre. I love Lords of Dogtown, and Breakfast At Tiffanys, I like detroit rock city, and i really enjoy garden state.
I am pathetic with money, I can't save a dime. I'm working on it, it's tricky to learn so suddenly if you ask me.
I want to be around children when I am older, and I don't mean that in a sick way. I want to colour with children and finger paint. I want to write a book.
I love chocolate ice cream with shell on it. I hate vanilla unless I have chocolate syrup. I like to be in water, like going to the pool or the lake. I really enojy driving with my windows down in the spring.
I love the idea of peace. I wish I had been born in a revolutionary time period. I wish I could have stood up for something, something big.
I'm almost scared to get best friends because I've lost everyone I've had. I wish I knew what it was that makes it so easy for me to let that happen.
My siblings are people I look up to. My brother is so smart, he is so itellectual and I love it. I love when he talks to me. My sister is so great. We don't get along perfectly, but I'm so proud of her, of both of them.
I love my dad. I'm happy with how he raised me, and my siblings. I love his patience.
I can say all of that, I know that everything in the blog is true. I can't give you one reason for any of it.
I know so much of me, but at the same time, I have no idea who I am. That scares me.
It also scares me that i have no idea what to do with college, with my life, with anything. | | |
| You know, i've been alive seventeen years. I've had a great life thus far. Besides, my mom getting sick, especially as sick as she is now, my dad going to Iraq, maybe twice, and my two uncles dying such tragic ways. I mean I haven't had very much bad come my way, i've got a lot to be grateful for. Yet, it seems almost every night I wonder why i'm bothering. I mean, I know, in all possibilities I could maybe get into college, but honestly, any of you out there that know me, really think i'll go, if i Do go, that i won't flunk out. I know that you get what you put in, i hear it so much. But i don't want to put in. But even that is a lie right there, I want to put something into someone's life. I want to make an impact on someone's day. Sometimes I find myself hoping a suicidal person will come through my line and by the way i treat them, they find hope, although most days i'd just make it worse. Like tonight, I was so happy, so bouncy, but what if that makes it worse, what if they saw how happy they could be, and how happy they weren't. It's so unabtainably hard for me to grasp the idea of going through life acomplishing nothing, only I can't get the motivation to do anything. YOu would think that my desire to help would be motivation, yet i find myself doing everythng but work. If my heart and my mind would work together I think that amazing possibilities could be worked out. But then again, what if they aren't, what if i get my act together, go to college, get a degree, teacher english to high schoolers, and touch no one. Could I, at the end of the day be fine with trying my best and not winning. I don't want to be a teacher for myself, although i'd find it fun, and somewhat exciting, its because who needs influence more than people my age. Who looks for a role model more. I want to show them the role models to look up to, like Voltaire who went out of his way to be an anticonformist. He lost his hometown due to his lack of ability to hold his tongue. Why should anyone settle, let the countries faults simmer until they all are so grand that nothing will be about anything good anymore. Greed and Power will rule. Why do we teach our children that what is better, is bigger, that what they want is new, and improved, and the best out there. When did life become completely about compition, what happened to the 50's sitcom families and their family dinners, cooked at home, where did fast food, bedroom eating and internet friend take over all of these things. Or maybe, all like ever was, was compition. Maybe my aspect of wanting to bring back some value to our culture is a dead end case because it was never really here. Maybe the world is just tired of people life me.
How did this become about me not fulfilling my life's ambition to the corporate imlications on society. | | |
| SuffocatedI feel myself gasping for air. Reaching out for somebody and finding only more wires. I want to breathe clean air and not chock on all the pollutions and not have to reach, to have my hand held. I want to know that I have someone right by my side, and I mean that in a very selfish way. I want someone there for me. I want to be free. I want to not be suffocated, but I want to drown in relief. I want the wires to be cut, but that is only solved by death. When I get to leave these wires, these restraints, I’m only met by stronger ones that only hold tighter and make me lost that much more of my youth. I want to be able to breathe. I want someone I can call mine, Until these wires are cut. | | |
| This is definately unforgettable. | | |
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