For the past 4 years, my xanga has been considered the preeminent xanga for the true connousieurs (for cheap laughs and thoughtless gags, see Larry's xanga).  My vast reservoir of wit, scathing commentary and depth of knowledge was unmatched by anyone in the known world.  My movie reviews were so popular that I was actually offered positions at various newspapers around the country and I won an award for "Best Movie Reviews by Someone Who's Only Seen 2 Movies in the Theaters in the Past Year".

However, there comes a time when all great things must end.  Even MJ had to take his last shot, Gretzky had to hang up his skates and one of these days, Tiger will sink his last putt.  I don't have 1,000 pictures like Larry to go out in the sunset but I will leave you with this:

Rock on bitches

and...

Hail to the Redskins

P.S.  If something amazing happens like, the Skins win the Superbowl or Carrie stops harassing me and following me around, I'll probably be back.  Plus, I get bored at work sometimes.

Fall is just around the corner and you can feel the change in the air.  The days are beginning to shorten, there's a crisp chill in the air and most importantly all the cool shows (and football) are back on TV.  So yesterday, I had a chance to view 2 of the newest shows of the year:

Kid Nation (CBS)

The show begins with the dropping off of 40 kids, aged 8-15, in the middle of some New Mexico ghost town called Bonanza City.  They then, as a group, have to setup the town and survive on their own without any adult supervision or help.  The kids divide themselves into 4 groups (red, yellow, blue, red) and earn their place in the whole society through games and challenges.  It's pretty much like the caste system where the upper class look down upon the laborers and based on their place in the group, they can earn a specified amount of money to be used on things like gumballs and books.  One enterprising young girl does these ridiculous dances for extra money.  Yeah, the parallels are unmistakable... it really is the world's oldest profession isn't it?  There's also this group of 4 kids who act as the town council.  They are the designated (at least temporarily) leaders of the town, motivating their respective teams and most importantly, awarding one kid at every meeting a gold star.  This ain't like a gold star from school.  This bitch is a 2 pound star made of gold worth $20,000.  Guess who won the first one?  Yup, our ass-shaking "entrepreneur". 

The show is basically an overedited, whine-fest with annoying little snot factories bitching about seeing their parents and washing dishes.  It totally reminded me of CYO camp and all the whining, moaning and spoiled crap-faces just being annoying.  The only thing keeping this show on my playlist is the fact that it's on Wednesday.  There is nothing good on Wednesdays.  Top Chef... but that's going to end soon.  My favorite kid is this little girl Taylor, the leader of the yellow team.  When asked to do the dishes she said, "I'm a beauty queen, I don't do dishes."  Me neither Taylor, me neither.

Gossip Girl (CW)

I have to be honest, the only time I watch the CW is when they show Family Guy which seems to be all the freaking time.  I still don't know exactly what this station is.  Is it for kids?  Teens?  Adults?  Wasn't this channel the WB?  What happened?  Anyway.. they have a new show on called Gossip Girl.  Gossip Girl is this omnipresent blogger who writes about the latest happenings at an Upper East Side private school.  It just so happens that big news has just erupted: Serena van der Woodsen, the former IT (as in cool, not the girl that fixes your computer) girl, has just returned after a year of being exiled to a Connecticut boarding school.  Well, that just doesn't sit right with her best friend Blair Waldorf who didn't like being ditched and now doesn't know if she can share the cool-girl spotlight with the returning Serena.  Things get even more heated when revelations about Serena's past with Blair's boyfriend emerge and it's obvious that Blair's jealousy of S (as Marge referred to her when noteing she had a Coach bag) is beginning to bubble over.  To add to this big-ass train wreck is supreme asshole Chuck who knows all about this sordid tale AND tries to molest freshman Jenny, who happens to be the little sister of Dan, the non-rich kid who somehow stumbles into a relationship with none other than Serena.

Yeah, it's complicated, it's overdramatic and it's over-the-top.. I mean, I understand they're supposed to be the uber-rich Manahatten elite but, how high school kids can down 15 martinis in a random hotel bar is beyond me..  do they not check ID's in the Plaza Hotel?  Also, I've never seen a high school party with that much booze and sex in my life.  Is the staff at the venue not aware that the roof and the entire 2nd floor of the party are accessible to the students and they can just take champagne and bang each other upstairs?   Anyway, I guess that's the point of this whole show.  I don't think I can watch the 2nd episode, this was way too estrogened out for me.  I will say that Serena, while hot, has the biggest Chiclet teeth ever.  I thought she was wearing a mouthguard for half the show.  Also, who is Gossip Girl and how can she possibly know everything she knows??

Status update:

I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm coughing up balls of phlegm the size of a baby's head...  I have to spend a weekend with kids in a mountain.  All I want is sleep.

Status update complete.  And now, I welcome you to the.....

Periodic Mike Awards!!!!

Best program ever award:  Google Earth.  Did you see Google Earth added a "Sky" section?  You can see all the stars, planets, constellations, etc... it's freaking amazing.  Seriously, how does Google do it?  Their Earth program is probably better than the damn NSA and NRO programs!  DAMMIT!  I knew I should have invested in Google instead of Chinese toy manufacturing companies...

Best show from the summer:  Hell's Kitchen.  My boy Rock won, he was the chef at B. Smith's in Union Station.  Had a crush on Bonnie.  Her annoying, retard, blond thing did it for me.  Gordon Ramsey is straight funny.  This looks like baby vomit!  Where's my wellington??!  You're an idiot, yes?

Most Annoying Song:  Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston.  The dude took "Stand By Me" and put weird lyrics over it.  No talent and ugly. 

Best non-injury:  Jason Campbell.  Last week, this dude from the Steelers plows into Campbells knee and I swear, I stopped breathing and nearly threw my TV out the damn window.  Turns out it was just a bruise and nothing serious.  Let me tell you Pittsburgh Steelers' DE Brett Keisel, had you ended his season or career... I would have cursed your name with multiple voodoo monkey dolls. 

Most disappointing movie:  High Musical 1 and 2.  I was really looking forward to this and I finally watched both movies earlier this week and I have to say, they both sucked.  You know what the problem was??  The songs stink!!  Bop to the Top?  Are you serious??  What's that queer dance and song Troy did on the golf course??  Uhh..  Did you know Zac Efron and Vanessa Anne Hudgens are dating in real life?  NO WAY!!  Did you know Sharpay is really 22??  AND, her grandfather is the inventor of the ginsu knives and he is the brother of Ron Popeil, the most famous hack, infomerical inventor ever!!

New favorite gay show:  Hannah Montana.  I love Hannah Montana.  This show cracks me up.  Lily is my favorite but the big guy from Minnesota who churns butter is freaking hilarious!!!  Billy Ray's acting stinks like a wet sweat sock in a sauna but, it's ok.  I can deal with it because Jackson's overacting makes up for it.

Periodic Mike Awards over. 

Harry Potter dies and then comes back to life at the end of book 7.  :)