Baseballchik138's Xanga

Friday, October 10, 2008

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 02:31:18 GMT

We had another fight today :(

I'm tired of fighting.

He got mad at me 'cos I fell asleep. WTF seriously? so rather than just saying something nice, he says, "OMG your so dumb, you just fell asleep." ._.

URGH

oh and then he still says, "you say something stupid everyday and I stll put up with it."

So I'm just something he puts up with? Well gee that's great!

I feel like crying

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 23:27:19 GMT

The things Mrs. Fitzl does don't make sense. She reminds me of a more feminine Meg from Hercules.

I wish I were thinner, if I had known self-image would matter this much I wouldn't have had that second cupcake as a kid. The really skinny chic next to me has got on this really cute knit sweater. It's kind of sad though, 'cos I know the SKU number to most of the Hollister clothes she wears.

ap BIO tomorrow! I love that class, and Botany. No one can ever replace Mr. Paysse and Mr. Nelson are science teachers but Mr. Pittinger is cool. He's so passionate when teaching the course material that I want to learn about plasma membranes and enzymatic reactions and things I used to know freshman year. Oh! The Parsley grew! Its about 1 mm tall but damnit its growing!

I wanna lose 20 pounds, and finally achieve that "look." I would love to be the size of a Hollister mannequin. Everything they wear looks good.

If Mrs. Fitzel makes me get up and dance -.-

Una mosca parada en la pared
en la pared
en la pared

Spanish brings back memories I'm trying to repress. They include the happy times spent with my mom, whom by the way I've lost some respect for. A while ago, she yelled at me, and I said, "You never showed up to any of my games! And when you did it was becuase you found out I was the only girl on the team and you hate boys becuase you think all they want is sex! You never cared about anything I did." And she slapped me.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 04:21:32 GMT

Girl: Hey
Boy: Hey, what's up?
Girl: Oh nothing
Boy: Same, what'd you wanna talk about?
Girl: About how you wake up the butterflies in my stomach, make my heart flip and how I think you're just so adorable
Boy: (smiles)
Girl: (smiles)
Boy: (responds in a positive way, how? idk)

This will never happen

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 23:59:35 GMT

Boys make me...?

confused lol

My mind shouldn't trifle over these things, I should focus on bio and english and econ but for some damn reason it just won't do it.

One of my biggest fears in rejection.

And because I know you'd say no,

I'm just letting this all go.

Because it's pointless, I wish it wasn't but more than likely it is.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 04:00:23 GMT

He smiled at me this morning after making eye contact

O_o woke me right up

until I sat down on Nelson's bean bag lol

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 02:15:55 GMT

I have a test for both AP Bio and Botany tomorrow. Hmm same teacher...same test days for both classes

The book is propped open (Botany) and I keep thinking, "I should get my priorities straight."

But I've been thinking this since 4, and all I've done is napped and eaten.

It's a little scary when you know what it is you're doing wrong but cannot seem to do what's right.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 19:13:25 GMT

So I know this boy named Diego, whom I've known since I was little. He's two years older than I am and he grew up in Whittier. The only reason why we know each other is because our dads were roommates when they were younger. For a while, though, our parents lost contact. When my parents were able to track them down, we found out they had moved to Arizona. They invited us over, and we visited. The first meeting, I felt, went a little weird. When you haven't seen anybody in years, even though there is a lot to say, no one is willing to come out and say it. After returning home, I ran across Diego's myspace, and invited him to be friend. We hit off way more than I thought we ever would. Even though I hated him when I was little because he once played dinosaur while I was playing with my barbie, it felt as if we had always been friends. I don't have any brothers, but he comes pretty close. He's the brother I never had (cliche whatever) and I'm closer to him than I am with my own sisters.

Last time we saw them, was a year ago during Thanksgiving. I want to see them again, and my dad figuired we'd give them a call. When we did however, we found out things people wish never happened. They are on the v erge on filing for bankrupcy, Diego's dad has offered his wife divorce, they're moving back to California, and Diego and his little brother don't know any of this. His dad has been persuing him to go after a career in golf (he's an amazing golf player btw) and his mom wants him to continue his education. Their family is on the point of breakdown, and he doesn't even know it!

He calls me sis, but I feel horrible knowing things he doesn't. I can't do anything about it, it's none of my business but I wish his family didn't have to go through all this. What do you do when a friend's life, who is so close to you, is falling apart and he doesn't know it?

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 04:38:53 GMT

I dont know how much longer I can keep this secret bottled up inside.
I just wanna yell, It's Sean!

He's got me going crazy, and my knees are turning weak.

Oh boy.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 07:55:54 GMT

Its midnight, and he hasn't spoken to me all day. Why I sometimes bother, I don't even know. I do nothing but my best and I am constantly being shot down. It's midnight, and I sit here thinking. My biology book is open but my pencil and my eyes are far from the words that discuss Nucleotides. The thoughts that enter and never leave my head pertain two people: the one have, and the one I want.

I want the person I have, but he shuts me out so frequently that the one I want looks more appealing. It's midnight, and all I can think about is how the little things most girls do for attention, I do because its all I know to do. I trifle about my weight, I worry about the clothes I wear, and I do what I can to make myself appear smarter. I stand in front of the mirror and turn away in disgust, not because I'm just someone who simply cares only about appearance, but because I used to love the way I looked. I wasn't thin but I wasn't overweight, I was happy with who I was. And then I started hearing the words, "You're fat" from the person I care about the most. Although most of the time he's kidding, the words stayed. My sister grew up anorexic and bulimic and now we're the same size, that does nothing to help the situation. I enjoy AP Biology, and AP Economics, and AP English, and list doesn't stop there but how many AP classes can one person take? I sit in Economics, and as easy as the class should be, I struggle. I take it simply for appearance. The clothes I wore never seemed to be an issue, until I got hired by Hollister Company. He encouraged it and said, "You'd have nicer clothes" but clothes doesn't make a person- their personality does. So if he truly does love my personality, why do I worry about the clothes I wear, the number of AP classes I take, and my weight? It doesn't make sense to me, and it should be midnight and I should be sitting here talking to him. But instead I sit here, and wish the one I want would talk to me. He doesn't but why would he? What is there in me that could possibly make anybody want me? I am self-centered and now obsess over things I shouldn't (clothes, weight, intelligence). I've heard before t in a relationships one person can't change the other, but why is it that he's changed me this much? I've disappointed myself and I've lost respect for who I am. I am far from who I want to be. I am who he wants me to be. And as hard I try, I still get, you're fat, you're stupid and more things he shouldn't be saying to me. And the thoughts of breaking things off brings me to tears in split seconds. But the thought of being with the one I want, brings a smile to my face.

I don't know what to do anymore. I used to think everything would work out fine, but now I realize how stupid I was to think anything could ever just work out perfectly. Nothing can ever be meant to be, but two people can work things through and make them concrete enough to last. But when one person does most of the work, and both are ignorant high school students, can anything ever last?

I don't even know how marriage between two people can work. I see my parents fight roughly 7-8 times a week, but they're not divorced. How anybody can live like they do, I don't know. Twenty-five years with someone, you'd think is more than enough, but can you really love someone so much that you can spend the rest of your life with them? You know, when I was little I used to think that the person you fell in love with and spent your whole life with, was the one you spent every previous life with. That to me was true love. How you knew you spent every life with the same person, I have no idea but it seemed reasonable and it made perfect sense. But today I don't know how that could ever even work out.

I'm only seventeen, and why this even matters, I again have no idea. But he hasn't spoken to me all day and he wouldn't even say goodmorning. I never said goodnight and I'm afraid one day he'll wake up, and never say goodmorning again. But if he won't say goodmorning is he even worth it?

I may be shallow, but I do deserve someone who is willing to say goodmorning to me, whether or not they're angry at me (for reasons I'm not aware of?).

Why do I even bother with relationships if guys are just stupid?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 06:34:49 GMT

The Land Before Time fight scene between the T-Rex and his mother always tears me up inside. It hurts even more when he sees his shadows, and yells, "Mother!" and when he rubs his neck against the foot marking on the floor very lovingly.