BeLiEvEiNmIrIcLeS's Xanga

Don't Speak Liar...

Wed, 14 May 2008 19:42:40 GMT

"I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick"

Sorry for not updating sooner. Life has been pretty much at it's shittiest.

Right now, the only thing that seems real and that matters, is this. You guys support me no matter what, and I can't get that anywhere else. No one can see through my mask, and see how I really feel. My mom is always on my back, I am weighed down with work, and I can't seem to have fun anymore. But I plan to dance like a retard on Saturday. No one should be home, and I need to wind down.

Everyone just expects so much out of me, and the more they expect, the less I can give. No one knows what to say to me anymore to get me to the surface. I feel like I am drowning and I can't be saved. I am being drowned with drama, and stress. I really need to reach the surface...

I promise to update more soon. Possibly on Saturday. I love all you guys with all my heart and can't thank you enough for your support.

Say what you need to say....

Sat, 10 May 2008 20:47:27 GMT

"Have no fear
For giving in
Have no fear
For getting over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open"

I don't have any more energy to deal with my shitty life. I have final exams coming up soon, guy problems (as always,) body problems (obviously) and bitchy friend problems. It is just too much! I can't handle it. I did tell one of my closest friends about how I felt about myself though. She said the same exact thing everybody always says, then when I said I hated that people said the exact same things to me all the time, she couldn't think of anything to say. At first, it felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, then I felt exactly the same, because nothing had changed. So she knew! Big deal! It didn't help to say anything at all. I don't have the energy to deal with anything anymore. Everything is just way too difficult.

<That's how I feel all the time. She is gorgeous>

<Exactly.>

Scream It Like You Mean It...

Sat, 03 May 2008 20:49:54 GMT

"Run baby, run. Don't ever look back. They'll tear us apart, if you give them the chance."

"We are only here for one more night. Scream it like you mean it. One more time. We’ll tear down the building. Sing along. Stay young"

I wish I could be myself. I keep what I want to be inside, so no one will get mad at me for "betraying" them. Plus, my mom doesn't like the kind of person I might want to be, and that hurts.

I know I have had this problem before, but I really want it. I want so badly to be myself.

*Scene is what I wanna be.*

(Why can't I be that adorable?) <3

Sick of the lies....

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 10:38:04 GMT

I don't know what to do. I repulse myself and I am scared to fast. I really want to tell my other friends what is going on with me, but what if they don't support me. They will just say the exact same thing they always do to make me feel better.... "You are really pretty and you're not fat!" I am sick of the lies. I just want them to tell me the truth. I never know what to believe now. I just want the truth....

Hmm....

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 20:46:38 GMT

I think I might go on a liquid fast soon. I have never fasted before, and I just want to do it to see how strong I am and how much I can control myself. If any of you want to join, you are welcome to. Hope you guys support me! I will fill you in on my final decision, and what day I decide (if I do it) to do it. Thanks guys! Love ya! <3

Now I'm heels over head...

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 17:35:41 GMT

Sorry I haven't updated in FOREVER. Hope you guys didn't worry though! I am doing okay. Everything is about the same at school. I am feeling a little better about myself, but I still get pretty down. Hope everyone else is doing okay, and I will update on everything eventually. Love you guys to death!

p.s. I am soooo fucked off! I was this close to going to the Boys like Girls/ Avril Lavgine concert yesterday, but since my sister thought she was too busy, we didn't go! I totally cried. They are my favorite band and I REALLY wanted to go!

I hope you dance...

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 12:48:10 GMT

I took one of my friends advice... and I danced. Like a comeplete retard I might add. :] I am feeling better about myself and yesterday I just kinda relaxed. I learned that I need to learn to love my body, and if I want to change it should be for "me". HUGE thank you's to all of my friends who have lent me their support, and I think I might still need it... Thank you and I love you guys with all of my heart. :]

(Don't think as this as thinspo, just think of it as cute pictures that make you smile...)

Fuck this!

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 16:15:55 GMT

I don't know what to do! I need to think, and vent, and talk to someone! I really don't know what to do. Some of my friends say yes, I should change and that I can do it. But some of my other friends say I shouldn't change for others and I should love my body, but I still don't know what to do. This has become to complicated for me to handle, and I am only so calm that I can't take it all! No thinspo today because I don't think it will make me feel better.... here is something a little different....

Still nothing...

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 22:01:02 GMT

I might as well disappear into the background. I have nothing to say, and I don't stand out like I used to. I am just kinda silent and I have words unspoken that I can't seem to say. Enjoy some thinspo and thank you ladies for everything you have done for me. You are my inspiration and I love you all to death! <3

Thinspo <3

No words...

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 22:48:45 GMT

I don't have anything to say.... just enjoy some thinspo, and comments and support welcome. :]

Thinspo <3